Chapter 2, Marching into something good [Part 3]

Recap:
We've covered about a week of the Zero and Meri's relationship in the first part of our Chapter 2 read through; they've finally met face to face! They even had sex, described with all the warmth and energy that you'd use to recount your last pelvic exam. Our star crossed lovers have made plans to head to Disneyland- the romantic-est  place on earth? We'll see.

Chapter 2:
So Meri and Mariah drive to Disneyland the next morning; I guess the Zero and Meri find time to sneak in a quickie, again, beforehand, not sure how that works. Mike and the Zero fly out to meet them, but not really them exactly, because Mariah never meets them or seems to know that the Zero is there. Supposedly, Meri sneaks off to meet the Zero periodically and leaves Mariah all by herself.  The Zero says, “She was swarmed with fans off and on and it made it difficult for her to really enjoy much time with her daughter.” You total asshole. Making her sneak off to hang out with you didn’t make it hard for her to spend time with her daughter? Talking to some fans did? This guy has no perspective. So supposedly the brief moments they shared were fun, but they were also weird because Mike was glowering over their shoulders the whole time; in the end he doesn’t even get to say goodbye to Meri before she left. Some date.

Meri was enchanted though and sent him a quote, which the author so thoughtfully includes a screencap of, that says “You are not a match. You are a goddamn wildfire.” The Zero writes, “That made me grin because I really am.” What the fuck. If your life had a face I would punch it.

Afterwards they both say “I love you,” for the first time, on the phone I guess or something, it’s not really clear but since all of their relationship is long distance it’s a fair guess. This would all be cute but the Zero decides to be a narcissistic ass again and says,“I can kiss you. And you can slap me and push me away. For dishonoring you. I am very good looking.” He doesn’t even stop there, we get an entire paragraph about how good looking he is, how he knows it, how he hears it all the time, and how he knows that Meri is so attracted to him.

Deeper than the Zero, let that sink in

Meri asks if Mike, since he totally saw her and all, will cause problems for the couple by running his mouth about them to whoever will listen- tabloids I guess. The Zero “reassures” her by telling her,“No he will not. He has bitten me in the backside before. He won't this time.” Because that makes total sense, oh yeah he's screwed me over tons of times over the littlest things but now that there's a potential cash payout involved he'll totally be cool, but Meri just tells him she wants to bite him in the backside and we’re back to sexy town.

Meri announces that she has to go to Utah pretty soon and invites the Zero along but he has half a dozen reasons why he couldn’t possibly go and I’m sure I could think of at least one myself… Before she leaves he urges her to, “Come spend the night. I will be alone. Lay with me. I won't touch you. Just hold you.” She says no and that, “there are boundaries. There have to be. Oh Sam.” How interesting that someone you already had sex with would say that- usually once you have sex all the boundaries go out the window because that line has already been crossed. It’s almost like… you didn’t have sex. Weird.

She leaves for Utah and it’s pretty uninteresting- they call and text. She’s supposedly clingy and say she fantasizes about what it would be like to introduce him to her family; they even talk “babies and marriage.” Fucking seriously? There’s no date for her trip, but at best it’s mid March, it’s been a week. A week and we’re talking marriage, that’s super reasonable.

The Zero takes this sweet conversation as an opportunity to introduce his creepily irrational jealous side. He says, “It sucks because I know when you get home at some point you will be in bed with him. Making love to him. It kills me. I'm just one guy that loves one woman. And you end up in bed with him.” Okay guy I’ve known for a week, tell me how much it bothers you that I have sex with my husband of 25 years, because clearly you own me. 

 Because aliens

Meri rushes to soothe his ego and tells him that when she fantasizes about the future she sees the Zero there and not Kody. They start talking about how she’ll leave the family, because it’s been a week and the Zero needs to lock this shit down already. She tells him she can’t risk leaving while the show is still airing, because it would kill the cash cow of a show that’s feeding and clothing 23 people.

On March 10th, Meri calls the Zero to tell him that her brother, Marc, passed away. Poor Meri, the hits just keep coming for this woman. The Zero offers to pay for his funeral and she refuses; I’m sure that’s supposed to be sweet of the Zero or something but I don’t find it appropriate at all. Unless she was somehow hinting that there was going to be a financial problem it’s not very sensitive to throw your money around, trying to impress your love interest, over something so personal. Just be there for her, really, it’s not an opportunity to score brownie points.

So freaking strangely, the Zero ties this event to the first voice mail he receives from Meri the same day. Meri leaves him a very rambly message in which she says, “Um listen. I know, I know you've had a really rough day and I'm really sorry about that and I wish there was something I could do to help you. You know. I just need you to know that I love you and I care about you and I care for you and I just. I'm just really concerned about you right now.” The Zero warmly remarks that it was so sweet of Meri to think of him while she was grieving the loss of her brother.

Yes, it is sweet; it’s also really odd. Meri seems like a pretty rational person- sure she got a little starry eyed over some hunk who strolled into her life, but she’s definitely someone who responds rationally to things. That is not the message of a woman who’s calling to ask about her friend’s bad day- that is the message of a rational woman who is very seriously concerned about someone who has given her a rational reason to be so alarmed. So this reader wonders, what the hell did this douche bag tell Meri was so terrible about his own life to make her more concerned with his plight than her own grief. We may never know.

Anyhow, he tells the reader that he still has almost 300 voicemails from Meri, and that he won’t post all of them- just 194 of them. He won’t share any more of them because, “They are special to me.” Sure, special in exactly the same normal way a serial killer takes trophies from his victims. Special.

You ain't gotta explain Zero, he gets ya

That same freaking night her brother dies, they’re discussing how Meri can leave the family and the show again. She pretty much tells him that she can’t think of a way without speaking her peace and likely hurting a lot of people; supposedly, she asks him if he could help her find a way. He tells her that it’s okay if she wants to stay within the family circle and go to visit them, after she leaves, but that he doesn’t want any contact with them. To which I’m sure Meri was like, thanks ass, but I really wasn’t concerned with how the situation would suit you, a guy I've known for a week. Just kidding, she probably sighed, “Oh Samuel,” or some shit.

He takes another opportunity to damage Kody’s reputation and tells the reader how badly he was treating Meri; how Meri was only staying for Mariah’s sake. Meri didn’t feel loved and he, “he treats her like his assistant to get the things done he needs done.” And I kind of side eyed this one. At least she got to be the exalted special first wife for the entire relationship, how do you think *cough* Janelle *cough* feels? Kody’s pretty much said, point blank, that she’s just there to do their taxes and she doesn’t even get to be special, but whatever.

Zero tells us that Meri is neglected and that no one takes care of her. She seems like an able bodied woman, not past the prime of her life to me, but I guess she’s actually helpless. Her “strong sons” have to come to the McMansion to fix or lift things for her, when the Zero feels that should be Kody’s job. Now, I don’t dislike Meri but really. Fiddle dee dee. She has to have her strong sons wait on her in her personal Shang-rila, oh dear. She had to have her own private McMansion and wet bar, maybe more people would be around to give her the help she so “desperately” needs if she hadn’t sequestered herself in a gilded cage away from the family. You reap what you sow.

The Zero thinks pretty harshly of Kody and states, “that guy is a douchebag! I would probably do something about it if I ever met him around Las Vegas … He really needs a good you know what kicking just to get him off his cloud.” A good you know what kicking? Seriously. Personally, I think that if you can screw a man’s wife and threaten him with bodily harm you should probably be man enough to type the word ass. Call me old-fashioned.

But that's none of my nevermind

Zero dishes some gossip that when Meri and Kody’s legal divorce was finalized she went on a cruise with a friend of hers; they called it her divorce party. Meri bought Kodester a watch while on the trip and almost didn’t give it to him because she was so disgusted with him.

We’re now at March 12th, t-e-n days after the first phone call; the Zero is still in Vegas I guess but it’s not really described why. Meri leaves him a message and they had plans to go to Hobby Lobby. “I love that store. I can so many decorating ideas walking in there.” Well, on the one hand he's a narcissistic, mysogynistic, controlling stalker... but on the other he does love trips to Hobby Lobby, designer pillows and talking decorating. I'm so conflicted. The line just might form behind me ladies.

Every male at Hobby Lobby ever

Around the middle of March, Zero says the pair of them were feeling pretty guilty about the affair. “At this point we were having sex on a regular basis. It was usually 2 or 3 times a week. And sometimes it was 2 or 3 times a night.” He pins this on Meri, again, and says, “if she had told me no I would have backed off.” Right, because you’ve proved very adept at recognizing when Meri is telling you ‘no’ and responding appropriately.

At the end of March, Meri is attending the wedding of a crew member on the show and she’s in a quandary about what to do with her unruly hair. In a move seriously lifted out of the 50 Shades trilogy, Zero has his assistant make her an appointment at a salon, expenses on him. Really, it’s 50 Shades- I can say that and I’ve only read bits and pieces, everyone knows. Mega billionaire, misogynist, abusive hunk Christian Grey makes Anastasia a litany of appointments at salons and gynecologists because he’s a romantic scary control freak. Anyhow, Zero pulls a Christian and even advises Meri to have it cut shorter to reveal her neck, “because I was so obsessed with it.”

Mercifully, March is over and it’s the end of the chapter. “I met and fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. What could possibly go wrong in April?” Let's hope it's everything.

 Have a good weekend folks, the book club resumes next week with Chapter 3, Meri's Revenge. Kidding, it's some bullshit play on words about April. 

-Kate