Chapter 2, Marching into something good [Part 2]

Recap: 
Welcome back! Not much happened in our first part of Chapter 2- we got to hear about Zero and Meri meeting on Twitter, again, in greater, but still totally vague, detail. We learned that Meri was in a very desperate spot, hating both her husband and her time in the TLC spotlight. We found out that the Zero is on a campaign to pin the entire relationship on Meri, despite our first glimpse of her rejecting the oblivious Zero's advances.

Part 2:
After the first day of talking (March 3rd if you’re keeping track) Meri tells the Zero that she’s headed to Disneyland on the 7th, “So if you were wanting to fly out this weekend, disneyland is a fun place to go. Just sayin'.” And honestly, I can’t even with this. Meri honey, if you actually said this, you are an idiot. Inviting anyone you  met off of Twitter two days ago to go anywhere is a really really dumb idea, even when you’re not a public figure. And if you think, ‘Oh it’s a public place, it’ll be fine, he totally won’t kill me,’ oh he could and he might. Sure, he’d get caught more easily and the chance that they’d secure a conviction is next to certain, but it won’t matter that much to you, because you’ll be dead and all. Seriously, dumb.

Later on that same day Meri starts telling the Zero about a stressful scene she needs to shoot with one of her sister wives where the two discuss making amends after years upon years of infighting. The author does this weird thing where he won’t mention Meri’s sister wives by name, presumably to protect identities or avoid a lawsuit, but he provides so much detail that everyone on the planet could figure out exactly who he’s talking about anyhow.

I can’t decide if it’s admirable or sleazy thing for the author to do but I’ll play along. So *cough* Janelle *cough* is coming over and Meri is feeling conflicted, “Lord give me strength to get through this next hour! I've got to say and do the right things... Say something funny to make me relax and de-stress.” So the Zero sends her a photo of the lamp he just broke by accidentally kicking one of his “designer pillows” into it. Designer pillows. Right. This guy is like no heterosexual man found in nature.

The Zero also gives her a pep talk and they talk about all the difficulties Meri has had with her sister wife, most of which the audience already knew about. Apparently Meri told the Zero that when they were younger there was a time when *cough* Janelle *cough* actually grabbed her by the shoulders and kneed her in the stomach while she was pregnant. And while somewhere out there, a lawyer is lifting his head, alerted to the sound of a potential slander and defamation lawsuit, I would actually buy that this is a half truth. They’ve implied numerous times that they hate each other's guts; the friction was so bad in the beginning that two decades later they still barely talk. Could this stem from some violent altercations in the early years? Absolutely. But I don’t believe for a second that Meri wasn’t throwing punches too if that happened. Zero tells Meri exactly what she wants to hear, that, “that sister wife … seemed very distant and full of shit,” and tells her to mend fences anyhow.

The Zero asks Meri why she talks to him; she asks him the same and they start arguing over who is more intriguing or actually intriguing and it’s one of those things that, unless you’re in the relationship, it’s not that cute and you just don’t give a shit. The Zero lays it on thick for his friend of three days and says, To that I said, “Forgive me but you aren't looking at this from my eyes. You are incredible. Beautiful. Kind. Mysterious. Funny. Smart. Intuitive. Sexy. Tempting. Wise and Meri.”

Meri- visual approximation

The Zero is a traditional Texan Southern gentleman; therefore “everyone,” of only the female gender, he refers to as honey, baby or sugar. Being the gentleman that he is, he lets Meri choose which pet name she wants.  And while this does make my skin crawl, I guess it could have been worse- at least she didn’t have to choose between being called sweet tits or just responding to a whistling sound. Thank you to all the feminists before us, for helping us get this far. Meri elects to be called baby and loves it. It’s two days into their “friendship” and he’s calling her baby…

On March 4th the Zero wakes up and decides that he has a crush on Meri, and I so wish I was being facetious with my word choice here but that is, almost verbatim, how it is written. “I let her know I was crushing."

I'm out guys, not going to make it

The Zero tells Meri of his desire and states, “You can't fall in love with me because you are faithfully taken. But nothing can hold me back. I will never push it beyond your comfort level.” So they essentially decide to do some bullshit 21st century version of courtly love. Courtly love, if you remember, was a love concept that drew upon notions of chivalry; in an era where marriage was chiefly for the purpose of increasing property and power or forming alliances, it was considered okay for unmarried men to worship married women from afar, showing them all the romantic love their marriages lacked without (wink) crossing physical boundaries. Basically, it’s a concept that hasn’t worked any time in human history outside of the medieval period.

However later in the day, Meri demurs and tells the Zero that she’s feeling a little conflicted and uncomfortable, asking, “Is it super weird to have conflicting thoughts and feelings? It is for me.” Zero instantly interprets this as a warning sign that the target of his affections might be preparing to bolt. “That got me to call her,” he says. I bet it did, psycho.

So he walks outside, where it’s snowing heavily, and writes her name in the snow and sends her a picture of it. It makes Meri smile and she’s back safely on the hook. He congratulates himself, patting himself on the back like a pompous asshole, for this last ditch frantic effort saying, “It wasn't a big expensive gift, it wasn't something I found at the store. It was a small gesture of love.” Thanks for stating the obvious? Geezes, it's impossible for this guy to interpret anything without using his own narcissistic filter.

 Oh, that's what book this is

They talk about what they’d do to each other if they ever should meet in person, which he feels Meri, rightfully, gauges isn’t very likely since he lives in Oklahoma and she in Nevada. She “giggles” like a 12 year old girl and admits that it might feel good to kiss each other but instead tells him that, “You can kiss me with your eyes all you want.” Eye kissing, for anyone who left first grade more than a decade ago, is apparently staring at your beloved with googly eyes whilst imagining kissing them.

The evening of March 4th, the Zero decides he really needs to get this courtly love contract finalized and he, “laid out my intentions with her.” He urges her to give into him saying,“Fall for me. I will catch you. I promise. Even when I know it's friendship only. Let yourself fall into me.” Of course she’s all hot and bothered by a command that would look corny in the lamest of romantic fan fics and breathes, “What kind of man can have this sort of control over me?!"

So, the deal is finalized and they realize that somehow they’ll be together and they adopt a couples motto of “not yet.” Supposedly they would tweet each other with not yet hashtags to symbolize their super serious pre-commitment to one another. And I just... can't even? I'm at a loss. I left high school almost a decade ago- I'm just too old to understand or explain this.

Still the same evening, he creepily tells Meri, “I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to know you. Every inch of your heart and  mind.” Yes, hold still, my love- I’m trying to remove your skin to make my Meri suit. That goes over Meri’s head though and she just replies in ye Olde English for some reason,“Is this some devil tempting us? We must not succumb!” Anyhow, this is the second or third “no” from Meri, but I’m sure the Zero isn’t counting.

They agreed to be best friends forever. I’m not kidding, it’s right here, “We agreed to be friends forever.” They “both” feel guilty though because obviously they’re flirting and seriously considering crossing lines. The Zero says breezily, “Funny how guilt flies right out of the window after you cross a certain line,” and since he had crossed that line, oh, ten seconds into the relationship he was feeling pretty carefree while Meri was probably fighting some serious inner demons.

 Exchanging the bff rings- visual approximation

March 5th, a whopping three days after hearing her voice on the phone, the Zero texts Meri, “I woke up in love. Don't fall over. Don't run away. Breathe in my truth.” Run Meri. That text says run, it might not look like it, but it does. Trust me; I have a degree in English.

Anyhow, Meri is rightfully having second thoughts again and she tries to persuade him that this entire relationship is unfair to him. He says he’s fine with loving her from afar, receiving nothing in return (I’m so sure) and she replies that he, “shouldn't have to. You deserve better. You deserve to get what you want for once.” Subtext: no. Tally another one.

“That's how sweet she is. I'm pouring out my heart to her, nervous as heck, and she's still being kind and reassuring to make me comfortable.” Dude, no. She’s telling you no. How dense are you.

Meri persists in trying to discourage him and tells him pointedly, “I wish you could wait.” In other words, hey bro, while I find you studly it would be awesome if you could back up and be my friend, like you said you wanted to, while I figure out what I’m doing with my life and marriage. That’s what I heard. The Zero doesn’t get it and interprets this as a green light, saying, “For me that meant she was serious all of the times she told me she wasn't happy in her marriage and she wanted out.” I mean… kind of… she is genuinely unhappy, but seriously, it’s just another no.

He manages to steer her back to flirting territory though; she admits that,“I'm having fantasies of walking around disneyland with you. Just being close to you. And catching your eye kisses.” Poor Meri. Poor, poor Meri. Her desires are so small and innocent and here’s this douche bag ready to prey on her. Run Meri. Anyhow, sensing her flagging desire to give into temptation, the Zero tells Meri, “Let's do it … I'm coming to get my hug.” So the Zero takes Meri up on her offer to meet her at Disneyland and partake in a hug.

He's comin' for it

The Zero thinks they’re getting closer and, “We literally could feel each other's feelings.” Fucking seriously? Feel each other’s… if this review wasn’t getting absurdly long we would stop and have a chat but just know that I hate you. So they devise a code to talk to each other publicly, you know, on Twitter where 80% of their relationship takes place. Whenever either of them would tweet something with a smiley face or a long series of ellipsis’s  they would be talking, secretly, to each other. High school is so fun.

That night he tells her he loves her verbally, for the first time, while she’s on the phone with him picking up Mariah from college. You know, a completely appropriate time to do so. Meri tells Mariah she’s talking to “Sam from Oklahoma,” and from then on he’s referred to as such. The Zero says, “I think she was embarrassed,” when she has to tell her daughter who has her hot and bothered on the phone. Good. Good. Embarrassment is such a healthy indicator that a new relationship is going well.

The morning of March 6th, four flipping short days after first speaking to each other, the Zero writes Meri a love letter and sends her a photo of it. Which struck me as odd, because supposedly he’s boarding a plane to Vegas, to pick up a friend, before meeting her at Disneyland- wouldn’t he just give it to her in person? Does not make sense, but moving on.

He picks up his friend, Mike, who is his designated third wheel. He offers some bull about how he’d needed to see him, never really explaining how either of them could pull off this trip on a day’s notice, but pretty much says he just needed the baby-sitter, “I also wanted someone there so I would behave.” Mike was there solely for the purpose of restraining the Zero from jumping Meri on the spot.

They go to the Zero’s house in Vegas for some inexplicable reason. Really, why would you hop on the plane to stay somewhere only to hop on a plane again the next morning to head to your final destination. The Zero’s house is his vacation home of almost a decade; he, “called a condo even though it was a million dollar home.”

And I bought this "condo" with some change I found in my tuxedo pants

He tells Meri what subdivision it’s in and, later, after she sort of pushed him on the subject, what street it was on. She tells him that his home is close to hers, ridiculously, entirely coincidentally close to hers. Seriously, if you look at the Brown’s home on a map, the Zero’s home would be somewhere on the first cross street  North of theirs, like 5 minutes walking distance. This is the moment, if I had been in Meri’s shoes and made this discovery, I would say 'Check please. I’m done. There’s no freaking way you live that close by and didn’t know it. You’re just a stalker who found my address on the internet and are pretending to live near me to play some sort of intricate mind game. Check please,' but she does not.

So the Zero is stunned that she lives so close and tells her, “I'm coming over. Which way. I will walk. I will run.” Lord, help me get through this passage. She just breathes, “Samuel…” and apparently it’s their “thing.” Really, their thing. “She would say my name, I would reply with her name back. We did that throughout the entire affair. It was one of those cute couple things that is unique to just the two people.” You seriously think no two people in human history have ever said each others names with an affectionate inflection before? Just you? You’re that much of a special snowflake? Geezes.

The Zero begs to come and kiss her, one kiss, “to last this lifetime.” And Meri says, “… but I can't. Samuel.” Another no. No means no! The Zero leaps across several boundaries and presses her suddenly and says, “Meri. Come stay in my bed tonight. Let me make love to you.” What does Meri say? No. “Oh Samuel, that can't happen,” but the gallant Zero is unmoved and simply replies, “I want you. I want to claim your body.”

 Ew, how lovely

It’s not described well, but Meri agrees to come over and the Zero has to get Mike out of the house in five seconds. He’s seriously pitching dollar bills at his face, telling him to hit the strip, and slamming the door in his face.

So, with Mike gone, it’s game on. Meri comes over and they have sex, “I will say we were both very shocked. Very happy. Satisfied. Neither one of us had done what we did in bed that night. Never. And it was amazing!” He spoons her for an appropriately short amount of time, whispers that he loves her, shoves her out of the door and calls Mike to come back and entertain him. A confused Mike returns while the Zero grins like an idiot and, “dance[s] around in my room a little.” You know the universal male reaction to getting laid. Normal stuff.

While the Zero prances I’m going to pause to say that this is all total horseshit. This would not, and did not happen. Meri has told him either no, or to hit the brakes on his lust at least half a dozen times so far. In her dizziest adulterous daydream, she fantasizes about walking around Disneyland with him, blowing him some eye kisses or engaging in some serious Christian side hugging. A woman like this, that sweetly naïve, does NOT, and I mean NOT, jump into a sexual relationship with a complete stranger off of the internet within FOUR fucking days of talking to them. This would have been almost maybe believable at any point in the relationship after four flipping days. Four days?! And then it’s not even a one night stand, it’s a quickie? Nope. So much nope. 

Shut it down, shut it all down

Coming up in our next installment, the exciting conclusion to this March romance.

-Kate