Chapter 1, Page 3

“That’s how it started. I don’t know why.” I really wish this author would stop being so lazy and flippant about things they claim were so significant in their own life. You don’t know why? Do you have any theories? It was sort of fleshed out on the last page- Meri was in a rough patch, steeped in childhood emotional trauma, and you swooped in all gallant and funny. Seems like a decent enough explanation, what more are you looking for?

Though the Zero can’t be bothered to question things too deeply, he is convinced from the start that their relationship is special and powerful. “I kept telling her stay open to me. Let’s see where this friendship goes. Stay open and open up to me.” Instant red flag. If someone you've just met insists that you need to be "open" and tell them everything about yourself- they are probably plotting to wear your skin.

Run!

So they start talking more and he surmises that she must really need him in her life. “She would contact me, I would reply. That’s how I am with everybody. I rarely initiate conversation because I honestly am too focused on work.” No, you’re not too focused on your work- you’re too focused on yourself. It’s pure narcissism to be the sort of person who never contacts anyone else and yet expects them to come to you like you’re some sort of deity. Ugh, why do you have any friends.

“I hate failing at anything. I’m very competitive with myself. I push way too hard, I self-criticize.” Man, this guy must be a total basket case over the state of this book then. He goes on to state that it’s immaterial what outsiders think of him because he has thick skin, or you know, because he’s a narcissist that rarely concerns himself with others, take your pick. 

“Growing up the way I did, you had to or you wouldn’t have made it out of that house feeling good at all.”

Something boring is coming

Oh no, I think I know where we’re going now. Remember when I said that most books begin with an unnecessary and painful exposition dump whereas this book had none? Well, we are about to get dumped on. Really, all I wanted to know was where this guy lives, what he does for a living, maybe if he has any hobbies- that’s it. Be careful what you wish for- why can I never remember that.

The Zero grew up in Nebraska and it was home for a “big portion of my life," despite leaving it almost as soon as he exited the womb. He describes his mother as coming from money, and way more money than your meagre brain can comprehend. “Not her family was well off. I’m talking money. Big amounts of money and they made everyone realize it.” This was another moment I had to run racing to Merriam- can you be more well-off than well-off? “1. In a good position or situation. 2. Having a lot of something.” So no, you cannot. A lot more money than a lot of money is still a lot of money. This is yet another instance I’d kill for some context. Well-off is so subjective; a person in a low-income family might consider a middle-income family to be well-off. What kind of money are we talking and where did it come from?

“My dad married her in spite of that,” because it’s such a burden to marry a wealthy heiress, amirite? Wait, he overlooked her annoyingly unfortunate wealth because he knocked her up with the Zero. His Grandparents threaten his father into a shot gun wedding by saying that he would be, “blacklisted for any kind of job in a 5 county area.” Seriously, who are these people? They have money and this kind of influence? They must be really important. I do genealogy as a hobby; I know from experience that you can find records of any family, no matter how humble or obscure, if you know where to look. Out of rampant curiosity that the author is unwilling to satisfy, I almost went in search of a fabulously wealthy and influential Cooper family of Nebraska when it hit me- they wouldn’t be Coopers. They would carry his mother’s maiden name; this would be next to impossible to guess or substantiate. Well played, well played.

Slow clap

So his father marries his mother because doing otherwise would have killed his construction business. Which proved to be all for not anyhow because when the zero turned three, his father killed his own darn business by moving the family to Texas to start a fresh one there. So I guess he could have said ‘see ya’ to his mother if he had really wanted and started again somewhere else, but whatever.

So his Dad is a really angry guy at this point- he can’t please his wife’s haughty aristocratic family and he’s saddled down with a wife and kid he didn’t want. His father works really hard to support them and it’s never been made clear why his mother’s family, who cared enough to force this union, did not care enough to help them out. “The man worked everyday of his life trying to provide for all of us. That much I can say made me proud to be his son.” Apparently he was mean and violent, but he worked hard, so it’s cool.

His mother gets pregnant again when they move to Texas. “This time it was planned,” kay, so your Dad apparently did want a family. I’m confused. And isn’t it a really shitty time to plan for another child when you’re working so hard to get a brand new construction business off the ground in a brand new state? Anyhow, his brother Danny is born and he was their messiah or something. 

“Being the baby you expect your siblings to get anything they want.” I… what? Danny expected everything to be handed to his brother? He was the baby. Is this supposed to be “being that he was the baby, I expected,” no idea what we’re trying to say here. The Zero says he was pushed way harder than Danny; both of them are expected to earn their way in the world, work hard, and not have anything handed to them. 

“That was throwing shade at my Uncles, my mom’s brothers.” Oh my, really, we’ve hit an age where it’s acceptable to use phrases like “throwing shade” in literature. What a time to be alive. A 42 year old man who is a self-professed business tycoon (I relented and looked it up, seriously just tell the reader what the hell you do) really talks like this? Kay.

"Throwing shade"

None of his uncles worked just because his mother’s family was so fabulously wealthy I guess. Still dying to know where this money is coming from- money doesn’t just appear and continue to generate itself with no effort. If it’s some sort of family business or industry you would think that the uncles would take some part in it. Even if they’re sitting on a gold mine that’s invested in stocks or real estate you’d still have to tend to it now and then; that’s work, not particularly hard work sure, but work- so I’m confused.

His uncles were super fun; they would always buy him candy and drive him places despite the fact that, I’m assuming, they would have lived in Nebraska and not Texas. They’d give him life lessons about women- mostly stay the hell away from them as they were all (not sure how many uncles there are) married and divorced half a dozen times each.

 Zero's Uncle- visual approximation

The Zero then drops this bomb, “I believe that’s because they don’t have a work ethic.” Okay… like because you need to have a certain amount of wherewithal to put in the time and effort necessary to have a long prosperous marriage? I can get on board with this. Wait, nope- “You tend to want to come home and stay home at night after a hard day’s work.” What in the actual fuck? Is this person seriously suggesting that if people aren’t working grueling enough jobs, they’re not going to have successful marriages? There are people who actually think like this? 

The Zero then mentions that, though he didn’t recognize it as a child, his uncles where alcoholics. “They had taught all of us to go fetch them another bottle. Meaning more scotch or more whatever was hanging out by the liquor cabinet.” The Zero didn’t even know it was alcohol, because he was just so darn naive and he admits he still is as an adult. And I’m sure I’m supposed to take away from this that the Zero is so sweet and trusting but it just made me wonder where the hell his parents were while all this drinking was happening and why the hell he is even mentioning this. Did this cause any issues for him as an adult? Did he become a teetotaler, maybe have his own brush with alcoholism? If it had no impact whatsoever then why the hell was it mentioned?

 Closing Thoughts:

Well, I believe we've been introduced to the entire dysfunctional Cooper clan. I'm pretty sure the gangs all here- we've got a set of stereotypically rich, disapproving in-laws, drunken uncles, a workaholic abusive father, a mother who merited no description whatsoever, one golden child, and one black sheep of a zero. 

I don't agree that all this information was really relevant to the story of an affair with a reality star but I guess it did develop the Zero to a degree. We learned that despite all this overwhelming dysfunction, he just took it all in stride, developed a solid work ethic, and became a better person- the sort of person who engages in nondescript work, ignores almost everyone around him and stalks celebrities online in his free time.