Chapter 2, Marching into something good [Part 3]

Recap:
We've covered about a week of the Zero and Meri's relationship in the first part of our Chapter 2 read through; they've finally met face to face! They even had sex, described with all the warmth and energy that you'd use to recount your last pelvic exam. Our star crossed lovers have made plans to head to Disneyland- the romantic-est  place on earth? We'll see.

Chapter 2:
So Meri and Mariah drive to Disneyland the next morning; I guess the Zero and Meri find time to sneak in a quickie, again, beforehand, not sure how that works. Mike and the Zero fly out to meet them, but not really them exactly, because Mariah never meets them or seems to know that the Zero is there. Supposedly, Meri sneaks off to meet the Zero periodically and leaves Mariah all by herself.  The Zero says, “She was swarmed with fans off and on and it made it difficult for her to really enjoy much time with her daughter.” You total asshole. Making her sneak off to hang out with you didn’t make it hard for her to spend time with her daughter? Talking to some fans did? This guy has no perspective. So supposedly the brief moments they shared were fun, but they were also weird because Mike was glowering over their shoulders the whole time; in the end he doesn’t even get to say goodbye to Meri before she left. Some date.

Meri was enchanted though and sent him a quote, which the author so thoughtfully includes a screencap of, that says “You are not a match. You are a goddamn wildfire.” The Zero writes, “That made me grin because I really am.” What the fuck. If your life had a face I would punch it.

Afterwards they both say “I love you,” for the first time, on the phone I guess or something, it’s not really clear but since all of their relationship is long distance it’s a fair guess. This would all be cute but the Zero decides to be a narcissistic ass again and says,“I can kiss you. And you can slap me and push me away. For dishonoring you. I am very good looking.” He doesn’t even stop there, we get an entire paragraph about how good looking he is, how he knows it, how he hears it all the time, and how he knows that Meri is so attracted to him.

Deeper than the Zero, let that sink in

Meri asks if Mike, since he totally saw her and all, will cause problems for the couple by running his mouth about them to whoever will listen- tabloids I guess. The Zero “reassures” her by telling her,“No he will not. He has bitten me in the backside before. He won't this time.” Because that makes total sense, oh yeah he's screwed me over tons of times over the littlest things but now that there's a potential cash payout involved he'll totally be cool, but Meri just tells him she wants to bite him in the backside and we’re back to sexy town.

Meri announces that she has to go to Utah pretty soon and invites the Zero along but he has half a dozen reasons why he couldn’t possibly go and I’m sure I could think of at least one myself… Before she leaves he urges her to, “Come spend the night. I will be alone. Lay with me. I won't touch you. Just hold you.” She says no and that, “there are boundaries. There have to be. Oh Sam.” How interesting that someone you already had sex with would say that- usually once you have sex all the boundaries go out the window because that line has already been crossed. It’s almost like… you didn’t have sex. Weird.

She leaves for Utah and it’s pretty uninteresting- they call and text. She’s supposedly clingy and say she fantasizes about what it would be like to introduce him to her family; they even talk “babies and marriage.” Fucking seriously? There’s no date for her trip, but at best it’s mid March, it’s been a week. A week and we’re talking marriage, that’s super reasonable.

The Zero takes this sweet conversation as an opportunity to introduce his creepily irrational jealous side. He says, “It sucks because I know when you get home at some point you will be in bed with him. Making love to him. It kills me. I'm just one guy that loves one woman. And you end up in bed with him.” Okay guy I’ve known for a week, tell me how much it bothers you that I have sex with my husband of 25 years, because clearly you own me. 

 Because aliens

Meri rushes to soothe his ego and tells him that when she fantasizes about the future she sees the Zero there and not Kody. They start talking about how she’ll leave the family, because it’s been a week and the Zero needs to lock this shit down already. She tells him she can’t risk leaving while the show is still airing, because it would kill the cash cow of a show that’s feeding and clothing 23 people.

On March 10th, Meri calls the Zero to tell him that her brother, Marc, passed away. Poor Meri, the hits just keep coming for this woman. The Zero offers to pay for his funeral and she refuses; I’m sure that’s supposed to be sweet of the Zero or something but I don’t find it appropriate at all. Unless she was somehow hinting that there was going to be a financial problem it’s not very sensitive to throw your money around, trying to impress your love interest, over something so personal. Just be there for her, really, it’s not an opportunity to score brownie points.

So freaking strangely, the Zero ties this event to the first voice mail he receives from Meri the same day. Meri leaves him a very rambly message in which she says, “Um listen. I know, I know you've had a really rough day and I'm really sorry about that and I wish there was something I could do to help you. You know. I just need you to know that I love you and I care about you and I care for you and I just. I'm just really concerned about you right now.” The Zero warmly remarks that it was so sweet of Meri to think of him while she was grieving the loss of her brother.

Yes, it is sweet; it’s also really odd. Meri seems like a pretty rational person- sure she got a little starry eyed over some hunk who strolled into her life, but she’s definitely someone who responds rationally to things. That is not the message of a woman who’s calling to ask about her friend’s bad day- that is the message of a rational woman who is very seriously concerned about someone who has given her a rational reason to be so alarmed. So this reader wonders, what the hell did this douche bag tell Meri was so terrible about his own life to make her more concerned with his plight than her own grief. We may never know.

Anyhow, he tells the reader that he still has almost 300 voicemails from Meri, and that he won’t post all of them- just 194 of them. He won’t share any more of them because, “They are special to me.” Sure, special in exactly the same normal way a serial killer takes trophies from his victims. Special.

You ain't gotta explain Zero, he gets ya

That same freaking night her brother dies, they’re discussing how Meri can leave the family and the show again. She pretty much tells him that she can’t think of a way without speaking her peace and likely hurting a lot of people; supposedly, she asks him if he could help her find a way. He tells her that it’s okay if she wants to stay within the family circle and go to visit them, after she leaves, but that he doesn’t want any contact with them. To which I’m sure Meri was like, thanks ass, but I really wasn’t concerned with how the situation would suit you, a guy I've known for a week. Just kidding, she probably sighed, “Oh Samuel,” or some shit.

He takes another opportunity to damage Kody’s reputation and tells the reader how badly he was treating Meri; how Meri was only staying for Mariah’s sake. Meri didn’t feel loved and he, “he treats her like his assistant to get the things done he needs done.” And I kind of side eyed this one. At least she got to be the exalted special first wife for the entire relationship, how do you think *cough* Janelle *cough* feels? Kody’s pretty much said, point blank, that she’s just there to do their taxes and she doesn’t even get to be special, but whatever.

Zero tells us that Meri is neglected and that no one takes care of her. She seems like an able bodied woman, not past the prime of her life to me, but I guess she’s actually helpless. Her “strong sons” have to come to the McMansion to fix or lift things for her, when the Zero feels that should be Kody’s job. Now, I don’t dislike Meri but really. Fiddle dee dee. She has to have her strong sons wait on her in her personal Shang-rila, oh dear. She had to have her own private McMansion and wet bar, maybe more people would be around to give her the help she so “desperately” needs if she hadn’t sequestered herself in a gilded cage away from the family. You reap what you sow.

The Zero thinks pretty harshly of Kody and states, “that guy is a douchebag! I would probably do something about it if I ever met him around Las Vegas … He really needs a good you know what kicking just to get him off his cloud.” A good you know what kicking? Seriously. Personally, I think that if you can screw a man’s wife and threaten him with bodily harm you should probably be man enough to type the word ass. Call me old-fashioned.

But that's none of my nevermind

Zero dishes some gossip that when Meri and Kody’s legal divorce was finalized she went on a cruise with a friend of hers; they called it her divorce party. Meri bought Kodester a watch while on the trip and almost didn’t give it to him because she was so disgusted with him.

We’re now at March 12th, t-e-n days after the first phone call; the Zero is still in Vegas I guess but it’s not really described why. Meri leaves him a message and they had plans to go to Hobby Lobby. “I love that store. I can so many decorating ideas walking in there.” Well, on the one hand he's a narcissistic, mysogynistic, controlling stalker... but on the other he does love trips to Hobby Lobby, designer pillows and talking decorating. I'm so conflicted. The line just might form behind me ladies.

Every male at Hobby Lobby ever

Around the middle of March, Zero says the pair of them were feeling pretty guilty about the affair. “At this point we were having sex on a regular basis. It was usually 2 or 3 times a week. And sometimes it was 2 or 3 times a night.” He pins this on Meri, again, and says, “if she had told me no I would have backed off.” Right, because you’ve proved very adept at recognizing when Meri is telling you ‘no’ and responding appropriately.

At the end of March, Meri is attending the wedding of a crew member on the show and she’s in a quandary about what to do with her unruly hair. In a move seriously lifted out of the 50 Shades trilogy, Zero has his assistant make her an appointment at a salon, expenses on him. Really, it’s 50 Shades- I can say that and I’ve only read bits and pieces, everyone knows. Mega billionaire, misogynist, abusive hunk Christian Grey makes Anastasia a litany of appointments at salons and gynecologists because he’s a romantic scary control freak. Anyhow, Zero pulls a Christian and even advises Meri to have it cut shorter to reveal her neck, “because I was so obsessed with it.”

Mercifully, March is over and it’s the end of the chapter. “I met and fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. What could possibly go wrong in April?” Let's hope it's everything.

 Have a good weekend folks, the book club resumes next week with Chapter 3, Meri's Revenge. Kidding, it's some bullshit play on words about April. 

-Kate

Chapter 2, Marching into something good [Part 2]

Recap: 
Welcome back! Not much happened in our first part of Chapter 2- we got to hear about Zero and Meri meeting on Twitter, again, in greater, but still totally vague, detail. We learned that Meri was in a very desperate spot, hating both her husband and her time in the TLC spotlight. We found out that the Zero is on a campaign to pin the entire relationship on Meri, despite our first glimpse of her rejecting the oblivious Zero's advances.

Part 2:
After the first day of talking (March 3rd if you’re keeping track) Meri tells the Zero that she’s headed to Disneyland on the 7th, “So if you were wanting to fly out this weekend, disneyland is a fun place to go. Just sayin'.” And honestly, I can’t even with this. Meri honey, if you actually said this, you are an idiot. Inviting anyone you  met off of Twitter two days ago to go anywhere is a really really dumb idea, even when you’re not a public figure. And if you think, ‘Oh it’s a public place, it’ll be fine, he totally won’t kill me,’ oh he could and he might. Sure, he’d get caught more easily and the chance that they’d secure a conviction is next to certain, but it won’t matter that much to you, because you’ll be dead and all. Seriously, dumb.

Later on that same day Meri starts telling the Zero about a stressful scene she needs to shoot with one of her sister wives where the two discuss making amends after years upon years of infighting. The author does this weird thing where he won’t mention Meri’s sister wives by name, presumably to protect identities or avoid a lawsuit, but he provides so much detail that everyone on the planet could figure out exactly who he’s talking about anyhow.

I can’t decide if it’s admirable or sleazy thing for the author to do but I’ll play along. So *cough* Janelle *cough* is coming over and Meri is feeling conflicted, “Lord give me strength to get through this next hour! I've got to say and do the right things... Say something funny to make me relax and de-stress.” So the Zero sends her a photo of the lamp he just broke by accidentally kicking one of his “designer pillows” into it. Designer pillows. Right. This guy is like no heterosexual man found in nature.

The Zero also gives her a pep talk and they talk about all the difficulties Meri has had with her sister wife, most of which the audience already knew about. Apparently Meri told the Zero that when they were younger there was a time when *cough* Janelle *cough* actually grabbed her by the shoulders and kneed her in the stomach while she was pregnant. And while somewhere out there, a lawyer is lifting his head, alerted to the sound of a potential slander and defamation lawsuit, I would actually buy that this is a half truth. They’ve implied numerous times that they hate each other's guts; the friction was so bad in the beginning that two decades later they still barely talk. Could this stem from some violent altercations in the early years? Absolutely. But I don’t believe for a second that Meri wasn’t throwing punches too if that happened. Zero tells Meri exactly what she wants to hear, that, “that sister wife … seemed very distant and full of shit,” and tells her to mend fences anyhow.

The Zero asks Meri why she talks to him; she asks him the same and they start arguing over who is more intriguing or actually intriguing and it’s one of those things that, unless you’re in the relationship, it’s not that cute and you just don’t give a shit. The Zero lays it on thick for his friend of three days and says, To that I said, “Forgive me but you aren't looking at this from my eyes. You are incredible. Beautiful. Kind. Mysterious. Funny. Smart. Intuitive. Sexy. Tempting. Wise and Meri.”

Meri- visual approximation

The Zero is a traditional Texan Southern gentleman; therefore “everyone,” of only the female gender, he refers to as honey, baby or sugar. Being the gentleman that he is, he lets Meri choose which pet name she wants.  And while this does make my skin crawl, I guess it could have been worse- at least she didn’t have to choose between being called sweet tits or just responding to a whistling sound. Thank you to all the feminists before us, for helping us get this far. Meri elects to be called baby and loves it. It’s two days into their “friendship” and he’s calling her baby…

On March 4th the Zero wakes up and decides that he has a crush on Meri, and I so wish I was being facetious with my word choice here but that is, almost verbatim, how it is written. “I let her know I was crushing."

I'm out guys, not going to make it

The Zero tells Meri of his desire and states, “You can't fall in love with me because you are faithfully taken. But nothing can hold me back. I will never push it beyond your comfort level.” So they essentially decide to do some bullshit 21st century version of courtly love. Courtly love, if you remember, was a love concept that drew upon notions of chivalry; in an era where marriage was chiefly for the purpose of increasing property and power or forming alliances, it was considered okay for unmarried men to worship married women from afar, showing them all the romantic love their marriages lacked without (wink) crossing physical boundaries. Basically, it’s a concept that hasn’t worked any time in human history outside of the medieval period.

However later in the day, Meri demurs and tells the Zero that she’s feeling a little conflicted and uncomfortable, asking, “Is it super weird to have conflicting thoughts and feelings? It is for me.” Zero instantly interprets this as a warning sign that the target of his affections might be preparing to bolt. “That got me to call her,” he says. I bet it did, psycho.

So he walks outside, where it’s snowing heavily, and writes her name in the snow and sends her a picture of it. It makes Meri smile and she’s back safely on the hook. He congratulates himself, patting himself on the back like a pompous asshole, for this last ditch frantic effort saying, “It wasn't a big expensive gift, it wasn't something I found at the store. It was a small gesture of love.” Thanks for stating the obvious? Geezes, it's impossible for this guy to interpret anything without using his own narcissistic filter.

 Oh, that's what book this is

They talk about what they’d do to each other if they ever should meet in person, which he feels Meri, rightfully, gauges isn’t very likely since he lives in Oklahoma and she in Nevada. She “giggles” like a 12 year old girl and admits that it might feel good to kiss each other but instead tells him that, “You can kiss me with your eyes all you want.” Eye kissing, for anyone who left first grade more than a decade ago, is apparently staring at your beloved with googly eyes whilst imagining kissing them.

The evening of March 4th, the Zero decides he really needs to get this courtly love contract finalized and he, “laid out my intentions with her.” He urges her to give into him saying,“Fall for me. I will catch you. I promise. Even when I know it's friendship only. Let yourself fall into me.” Of course she’s all hot and bothered by a command that would look corny in the lamest of romantic fan fics and breathes, “What kind of man can have this sort of control over me?!"

So, the deal is finalized and they realize that somehow they’ll be together and they adopt a couples motto of “not yet.” Supposedly they would tweet each other with not yet hashtags to symbolize their super serious pre-commitment to one another. And I just... can't even? I'm at a loss. I left high school almost a decade ago- I'm just too old to understand or explain this.

Still the same evening, he creepily tells Meri, “I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to know you. Every inch of your heart and  mind.” Yes, hold still, my love- I’m trying to remove your skin to make my Meri suit. That goes over Meri’s head though and she just replies in ye Olde English for some reason,“Is this some devil tempting us? We must not succumb!” Anyhow, this is the second or third “no” from Meri, but I’m sure the Zero isn’t counting.

They agreed to be best friends forever. I’m not kidding, it’s right here, “We agreed to be friends forever.” They “both” feel guilty though because obviously they’re flirting and seriously considering crossing lines. The Zero says breezily, “Funny how guilt flies right out of the window after you cross a certain line,” and since he had crossed that line, oh, ten seconds into the relationship he was feeling pretty carefree while Meri was probably fighting some serious inner demons.

 Exchanging the bff rings- visual approximation

March 5th, a whopping three days after hearing her voice on the phone, the Zero texts Meri, “I woke up in love. Don't fall over. Don't run away. Breathe in my truth.” Run Meri. That text says run, it might not look like it, but it does. Trust me; I have a degree in English.

Anyhow, Meri is rightfully having second thoughts again and she tries to persuade him that this entire relationship is unfair to him. He says he’s fine with loving her from afar, receiving nothing in return (I’m so sure) and she replies that he, “shouldn't have to. You deserve better. You deserve to get what you want for once.” Subtext: no. Tally another one.

“That's how sweet she is. I'm pouring out my heart to her, nervous as heck, and she's still being kind and reassuring to make me comfortable.” Dude, no. She’s telling you no. How dense are you.

Meri persists in trying to discourage him and tells him pointedly, “I wish you could wait.” In other words, hey bro, while I find you studly it would be awesome if you could back up and be my friend, like you said you wanted to, while I figure out what I’m doing with my life and marriage. That’s what I heard. The Zero doesn’t get it and interprets this as a green light, saying, “For me that meant she was serious all of the times she told me she wasn't happy in her marriage and she wanted out.” I mean… kind of… she is genuinely unhappy, but seriously, it’s just another no.

He manages to steer her back to flirting territory though; she admits that,“I'm having fantasies of walking around disneyland with you. Just being close to you. And catching your eye kisses.” Poor Meri. Poor, poor Meri. Her desires are so small and innocent and here’s this douche bag ready to prey on her. Run Meri. Anyhow, sensing her flagging desire to give into temptation, the Zero tells Meri, “Let's do it … I'm coming to get my hug.” So the Zero takes Meri up on her offer to meet her at Disneyland and partake in a hug.

He's comin' for it

The Zero thinks they’re getting closer and, “We literally could feel each other's feelings.” Fucking seriously? Feel each other’s… if this review wasn’t getting absurdly long we would stop and have a chat but just know that I hate you. So they devise a code to talk to each other publicly, you know, on Twitter where 80% of their relationship takes place. Whenever either of them would tweet something with a smiley face or a long series of ellipsis’s  they would be talking, secretly, to each other. High school is so fun.

That night he tells her he loves her verbally, for the first time, while she’s on the phone with him picking up Mariah from college. You know, a completely appropriate time to do so. Meri tells Mariah she’s talking to “Sam from Oklahoma,” and from then on he’s referred to as such. The Zero says, “I think she was embarrassed,” when she has to tell her daughter who has her hot and bothered on the phone. Good. Good. Embarrassment is such a healthy indicator that a new relationship is going well.

The morning of March 6th, four flipping short days after first speaking to each other, the Zero writes Meri a love letter and sends her a photo of it. Which struck me as odd, because supposedly he’s boarding a plane to Vegas, to pick up a friend, before meeting her at Disneyland- wouldn’t he just give it to her in person? Does not make sense, but moving on.

He picks up his friend, Mike, who is his designated third wheel. He offers some bull about how he’d needed to see him, never really explaining how either of them could pull off this trip on a day’s notice, but pretty much says he just needed the baby-sitter, “I also wanted someone there so I would behave.” Mike was there solely for the purpose of restraining the Zero from jumping Meri on the spot.

They go to the Zero’s house in Vegas for some inexplicable reason. Really, why would you hop on the plane to stay somewhere only to hop on a plane again the next morning to head to your final destination. The Zero’s house is his vacation home of almost a decade; he, “called a condo even though it was a million dollar home.”

And I bought this "condo" with some change I found in my tuxedo pants

He tells Meri what subdivision it’s in and, later, after she sort of pushed him on the subject, what street it was on. She tells him that his home is close to hers, ridiculously, entirely coincidentally close to hers. Seriously, if you look at the Brown’s home on a map, the Zero’s home would be somewhere on the first cross street  North of theirs, like 5 minutes walking distance. This is the moment, if I had been in Meri’s shoes and made this discovery, I would say 'Check please. I’m done. There’s no freaking way you live that close by and didn’t know it. You’re just a stalker who found my address on the internet and are pretending to live near me to play some sort of intricate mind game. Check please,' but she does not.

So the Zero is stunned that she lives so close and tells her, “I'm coming over. Which way. I will walk. I will run.” Lord, help me get through this passage. She just breathes, “Samuel…” and apparently it’s their “thing.” Really, their thing. “She would say my name, I would reply with her name back. We did that throughout the entire affair. It was one of those cute couple things that is unique to just the two people.” You seriously think no two people in human history have ever said each others names with an affectionate inflection before? Just you? You’re that much of a special snowflake? Geezes.

The Zero begs to come and kiss her, one kiss, “to last this lifetime.” And Meri says, “… but I can't. Samuel.” Another no. No means no! The Zero leaps across several boundaries and presses her suddenly and says, “Meri. Come stay in my bed tonight. Let me make love to you.” What does Meri say? No. “Oh Samuel, that can't happen,” but the gallant Zero is unmoved and simply replies, “I want you. I want to claim your body.”

 Ew, how lovely

It’s not described well, but Meri agrees to come over and the Zero has to get Mike out of the house in five seconds. He’s seriously pitching dollar bills at his face, telling him to hit the strip, and slamming the door in his face.

So, with Mike gone, it’s game on. Meri comes over and they have sex, “I will say we were both very shocked. Very happy. Satisfied. Neither one of us had done what we did in bed that night. Never. And it was amazing!” He spoons her for an appropriately short amount of time, whispers that he loves her, shoves her out of the door and calls Mike to come back and entertain him. A confused Mike returns while the Zero grins like an idiot and, “dance[s] around in my room a little.” You know the universal male reaction to getting laid. Normal stuff.

While the Zero prances I’m going to pause to say that this is all total horseshit. This would not, and did not happen. Meri has told him either no, or to hit the brakes on his lust at least half a dozen times so far. In her dizziest adulterous daydream, she fantasizes about walking around Disneyland with him, blowing him some eye kisses or engaging in some serious Christian side hugging. A woman like this, that sweetly naïve, does NOT, and I mean NOT, jump into a sexual relationship with a complete stranger off of the internet within FOUR fucking days of talking to them. This would have been almost maybe believable at any point in the relationship after four flipping days. Four days?! And then it’s not even a one night stand, it’s a quickie? Nope. So much nope. 

Shut it down, shut it all down

Coming up in our next installment, the exciting conclusion to this March romance.

-Kate

Chapter 2, Marching into something good [Part 1]

Recap:
Hello again Book Club members! Last time we finished chapter 1; it was... an experience. We met our protagonist, the Zero- a super humble, down to earth, God fearing country boy looking for love. We met his entire dysfunctional family and got to see the inner workings of his multi-million dollar business conglomerate. Okay we didn't see that last part, but that would have been neat- I'm still curious about his Jay Gatsbyesque wealth. The Zero was introduced to our heroine, the fair Meri Brown, a married polygamist in a bitterly unhappy situation- saddled with a man child for a husband, three extra spousal partners, and lifestyle that is bound to dry up once her reality show gets cancelled. Luckily, the Zero is enchanted by our leading lady and promises to free her from her life of hum drum misery; he has just promised to teach her how to fly from her metaphorical cage. Let's watch shall we?

Chapter 2: 
Onto Chapter 2, “Meri’s Seduction”- woops, it's “Marching into something good.” Six of the chapters in the book are arranged in chronological order and named for the month of the relationship in which the events occur. It seemed asinine at first, but it’s a really confusing relationship and I constantly found myself scrolling back to determine when something was supposed to be happening. So cheers Author, that was actually pretty handy. See, I’m capable of giving compliments.

This Chapter is forever long. Seriously, it’s 31 pages, which is 20% of the entire book, so I’m going to break this review down into three parts.

The Zero already told us how he started talking to Meri on Twitter in March (literally less than 10 pages ago) but since this chapter begins in March with the start of the relationship he states he has to be repetitive and tell you the exact same thing all over again, but slightly differently. You know, like he’s a robot and if he didn’t start at the beginning again he’d hit some sort of infinite loop error and be unable to proceed otherwise.

I’m going to spare everyone from rehashing too much and just share any new insights, few and uninteresting though they may be.

Hmm, at the beginning of March the zero was living in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma and working in one of the offices of his many nondescript businesses. He was barely using Twitter and had all of ten followers, like he has any more than that now, but whatever, when he started talking to Meri. He gives a really boring speech about how he just doesn’t get Twitter or why strangers would want to follow strangers; I just don’t care. If you’re so above using Twitter then don’t use Twitter? Your ten followers will survive without you.

Forsooth, I hath nary a one

On March 1st the Zero tweets Meri about the Sister Wives finale; on the 2nd she followed his account because he was so gallant. When she messages him to wish him a happy birthday he responds with, “Thanks you are very intriguing,” and after rolling my eyes I about did a back flip because we are finally seeing some quotation marks. Seriously, people are going to talk to each other, stuff is going to happen, shit is about to get real.

He sort of changes the birthday story he told us earlier, again ten pages ago; now, instead of being so caught up in Meri’s charms that he doesn’t leave his house to attend his dinner, it’s also due to the fact that he’s busy throwing a pity party of his own. “I admit I was feeling sorry for myself. Another birthday with no parents, no little brother around. My immediate family had all passed away years before. I had no wife, no kids. No girlfriend. I was in full on pity party.” This is a really abrupt way to introduce that your entire family is dead, bummer. I'm sorry? I’m mostly sad that this means we’re never going to learn anything about the Zero’s mom other than that she existed. Farewell Zero’s Mom, we hardly knew ye.

When they talk the first day the Zero is surprised to learn that Meri has a “killer sense of humor.” He elaborates, “I did not expect that from her. I thought she was a conservative, quiet,kind woman,” because apparently those qualities are mutually exclusive from funny or something. Funny and kind, but that’s impossible!

They enjoy talking to one another and the Zero says, “She could have stopped at any time she wanted to.” And… I’ll take things a rapist would say for $1,000, Alex, to finish out the category. Bro, honestly, step back and listen to the crap that comes out of your mouth.

On repeat in the Zero's mind

They start exchanging childhood stories and discover that, “Both of us grew up being taken care of but not feeling completely sure of ourselves.” So pretty much, you grew up like average children. So interesting.

Their backgrounds were vitally different, obviously, since Meri grew up as a Mormon fundamentalist in a polygamist family and the Zero grew up Catholic to a degree that only the Pope could understand. He provides the reader with a very basic summary of what Mormon fundamentalists believe, which he pretty much boils down to if you feel called to live polygamy, you go find someone who feels the same, and you do it.

Meri felt called to polygamy; thus, she did it. She believed, and believes in it wholeheartedly, but, after 25 long years of marriage to an insensitive, self-centered jerk she was beginning to become disillusioned and “fall out” of love with her husband. Enter the Zero. “She needed me. She wanted to get to know me because I was everything he was not. I am the exact opposite of him. I'm kind all of the time. I'm thoughtful and sweet. I'm very affectionate and love saying sweet nicknames. I'm attentive and available 24/7. She was not at all used to someone being in her life like that. And there I was. All she was missing.” And there he was, so perfect, so modest, so not Kody, so convenient.

So the Zero and Meri quickly establish a routine where they are either constantly talking on the phone or texting. They talk about everything; “There was no topic off limits, including our sex lives.” Mainly, they talked about how they weren’t getting any. The Zero stopped having sex once the unnamed she-devil left that gaping hole in his chest where his heart used to be, and Meri had a fight with Kody about a month prior that had left her feeling averse to any more intimacy with him.

The Zero seems disinterested in being an actual friend to Meri, pretty much right off the bat. Instead of saying something like 'Gee Meri, that sounds terrible. You should do whatever you can to salvage your 25 year marriage- take a romantic trip, go to counseling, whatever it takes!' he just convinces her that he’s a hunk who happens to be the anti-Kody who can offer her anything she can imagine.

“She kept remarking how sweet I was to her. She didn't deserve my friendship.” Mmm. Because I’m sure you didn’t try to intentionally make her feel beneath you and undeserving of your attention when it should absolutely be the other way around right?

Perversely the douche bag of a Zero blames Meri for the direction their relationship was taking, “Meri was leading us into a really scary place.”  Meri was leading you? It's just Meri responsible for this now?

 You and me both

So they start flirting with the idea of crossing the line between friendship and adultery in the standard way, by flirting. “In my mind she was a divorced woman,” so the Zero rationalizes that it’s pretty much game on. Meri begs to differ, however, and says that, “she considered herself still married but it was complicated.” Much like her sister wives aren’t legally married to Kody, obviously because of bigamy laws, she is still spiritually married to him. And I think this marks the first official instance where Meri is like, um hey dude, no.

Meri starts sharing more about her marriage with Kody and it’s pretty much what you’d expect from a 25 year long marriage, even if you hadn’t seen a single episode of the show. Kody always picks where they go and what they do on their date nights; poor Meri is just along for the ride since her time with him is so limited. If Kody’s not busy sitting on his butt watching tv, he complains a lot. Common stuff.

Out of nowhere the Zero asks, “So when did we really start talking on the phone? Well here's my proof.” And the next two pages are screenshots of his cell phone bill along with a clinical description of what each call entailed. And they say romance is dead. Seriously, this is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Usually this stuff has no place outside of a non-fiction book about a murder, where this would be submitted as evidence or something. Maybe it’s just this era’s new version of the love letter, who am I to judge.

We’re back to talking about how funny Meri is, because Zero + Humor = 4 Eva. The Zero describes how dumb he is with, “She is so smart that when she says a smartass comment it hit me so hard I didn't catch it,” and “I told her stories about how dumb I had been. Or sometimes I would ask a really dumb question and she would just die laughing.” Nice, he’s that guy who laughs the loudest and has absolutely no idea what the joke means. Who wants to bet that Meri had to sit through that damn llama story, twice. Poor Meri.

The Zero then describes his laugh, because that’s super important, “I throw my head back and if it's really funny I hold my heart, bend over a little and crack up laughing almost folded in half.” Maybe it is important though, if it weren’t for the laughing part it would sound like he was describing a heart attack. Might want to get that checked out.

Zero laughing- visual approximation

 

The Zero is so narcissistic, self-absorbed, and obsessed with this humor concept that he has the balls to say, “When she filmed the finale from the latest season where she was crying remembering our time together. The reason why she was so emotional is because we honestly laughed every day.” What the actual fuck? No, you imbecile. She was crying because of the emotional trauma your brief little relationship inflicted on her and, by extension, her family. You actually think she was sobbing because she missed laughing about how you couldn't move a couch that one time? This cannot be for real. No one can be this oblivious.

Would you kindly, Zero?

That wraps up the first part of our three part series on Chapter 2. Hope to see you again for our next segment, where things are about to get sexy. Vaguely sexy. Well, an approximation of sexy. Okay, there will be sex. There will be someone's idea of sex.

Awww yeah.

-Kate

Chapter 1, How did this happen to me?

Well, we’re back folks; I’d be liar if I said I ever thought we’d be here reviewing a full-length book. Think I lost a bet or two on that one. Just to make a small personal note before continuing, it’s an old adage that, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” In that spirit I would like to dedicate this review to someone who has faced a tremendous amount of personal criticism, harassment and threats, all because she would not be cowed into silence; because she dared to stand for a cause when it was not incumbent upon her to do so. That’s really a quiet kind of bravery when you stop to think about it; I dedicate this to her and to all the quietly brave out there.

Recap:

In the first six pages of Chapter One, we were introduced to the Zero, a super Catholic ex-Boy Scout from Nebraska/Texas with a troubled childhood and a predilection for dating the physically or mentally ill. He’s a 42 year old business tycoon who enjoys spending his free time at the gym, contemplating why everyone’s marriages are failing, and lecturing others on the ideal way to raise their children. Shockingly, this dream boat is often single; he found himself in a whirlwind romance with a polygamist reality star, that he was totally not stalking, whom he met on Twitter. We also learned that he is obsessed with humor and does a mean stand up set with jokes ranging from determining which direction is left to how stupid your sister is.

Chapter One Continued:

The cover we’ve grown to know and love is now gone in the final version of Almost Meri’ed; in its’ place is a black and white image of Noah Wyle staring wistfully at the red and white title. I’m not even saying that sarcastically - it’s seriously Noah Wyle, circa his ER days, in his Doctor’s coat and tie. Weird. The Copyright page credits H.E. Chilton for this cover art, though that seems like a smack in the face to the likes of Picasso to call this “art.” H.E. Chilton, apparently, doesn’t exist according to Google, but maybe he used a fake name because he didn’t want credit for something so freaking crappy.

NextPress Publishing takes the dubious honor of producing the work; bizarrely, Google suggests that they either existed several years ago or never existed at all. Maybe the actual publishing company decided to pull an H.E. Chilton and not claim any responsibility for this mess either.

The publisher copied and pasted the standard legal jargon reserved for works of fiction about “resembalance(s)” to actual people, events and locales being entirely coincidental and changed the verbiage to non-fiction. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works, since a non-fiction work is, by definition, about actual people whose description is both intentional and factual, but, hey, good luck with your subsequent lawsuits!

The book is dedicated to, “to anyone that has loved the right person at the wrong time.”

 It's going to be a long review

The book begins with a “Foreward,” some sort of unfortunate grammatical mash up of foreword and forward I guess, by S. Allred, a former polygamist. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark that S. Allred either doesn’t exist either or is also pulling an H.E. Chilton- by failing to provide a first name she can’t be readily identified in internet search engines. If she does indeed exist then she would be a member of the Allred family-prolific leaders of a rather large sect of fundamentalist Mormon polygamists known as the Apostolic United Brethren (AUB). She would actually be kin to Christine Brown, more than likely a cousin, who was herself an Allred and granddaughter of the AUB’s late leader, Rulon C. Allred. It seems like a huge conflict of interest to write the foreword for your cousin’s sister wife’s lover’s book about his affair with said sister wife but, hey, whatever floats your boat.

Her story is pretty run of the mill and nondescript- polygamy was hard; leaving it was harder but she’s healing. The take away is that love and support is important for those who are facing similar challenges. Which is all very nice, but has very little to do with a trashy reality romance; frankly I find its inclusion to be really culturally tone deaf and sleazy. Trying to class up your affair by appropriating the cultural struggle of a group, with which you are not affiliated, doesn’t make the book seem brooding and deep- it just makes you a dick. 

For real

Anyhow, we’re back to the conclusion of the Zero’s stand up set and the Zero declares that he’s not a particularly smooth guy. Thank you Captain Obvious. He speculates that the reason he’s able to get women at all is because, “The one thing that a lot of people say about me, other than my daily devotion to God, is that I'm sweet. And that's what does it.” You know what would be better than trying to ram the idea that you’re this angelic being down the reader’s throats by telling them that you’re amazing every five seconds? Showing them that you’re amazing. Seriously, tell me some stories, give me some examples- let me come to the conclusion that you’re a sweet guy on my own.

He describes the only three women he’s dated in his life as having “blessed his life.” Really? Lisa micromanaged you to the point of suffocation, you can’t say the second one’s name aloud without feeling the need to rock in a corner somewhere, and Meri, a married polygamist, humiliated  you with a very public rejection. “Blessings,” kay. Proof God may hate you.

He then launches into a pretty nauseating passage modestly describing his numerous Godlike qualities that he bestows on the fairer sex. “I do the small things throughout the entire relationship. I never stop trying to impress and show kindness. I am very compassionate and encouraging. If my lady is excited, I'm excited. When she has done something she is proud of I cheer her on. That's who I am. That's who I have always been.” Honestly, can we get this man a trophy? That's what he's looking for right? Why else would he feel a compulsive need to tell me that he's liquid Jesus at every possible turn.

 There you go pal

Sweet as he is, he wonders how someone like him ended up in a relationship with a reality star; he quickly surmises it’s, “because she wanted it as much as I did.” Whoa. I’ll take things a rapist would say for 500, Alex. Not cool bro, not cool.

The Zero says he quickly became Meri’s confidante; she was shouldering a lot of issues stemming from both the show and her marriage that few in her inner circle knew about. Apparently the pressure of living in the public eye and having every aspect of her life open to criticism was proving difficult; the Zero felt her sense of normalcy was gone and that she’d never get it back, even when the show had ended. Which, yeah, sure, but Meri Brown isn’t exactly a Kardashian and Sister Wives isn’t a super popular show- once it’s off the air for a year or two she’s not going to be recognized anywhere. She’s going to be just fine.

Anyhow, the Zero, a complete stranger off of Twitter, is all up in Meri’s finances and worries about her security once the show is over. He calculates that they’ve been living a lifestyle that they would be unable to support when the TLC money dries up. No kidding, there’s 5 adults and none of them have real jobs, there’s over a dozen children needing college educations, and they’re living in 4 McMansions they financed with cutthroat backdoor mortgages. I imagine they're on a shoe string budget even with the money from the show.

Meri is a total martyr and, unsurprisingly, abides by the plyg mantra of “keeping sweet,” a submissive obedience to one’s husband to produce domestic harmony. She rarely speaks up or defends herself and does what she can to clean up Kody Brown’s image on the show, ignoring his emotional outbursts and immaturity. The Zero is stunned to hear this, saying it didn’t match up with the three episodes of the show he’s watched and has already told us he barely paid attention to. And I'm not sure what show this dude has been watching, but this pretty much matches up to every second I've ever seen. Kody Brown is always being a complete idiot while one, or more, of the wives grins with vacant dead eyes. Hell, this is a man who can relate on national television, with zero fucks given, how he very nearly didn't marry Christine because he was so disgusted by the way she ate some nachos. No surprise here.

Pretty much

So the Zero, smelling emotional vulnerability in the wind, tells Meri everything she wants to hear. “Everyday I told her I thought she was perfect. I told her how beautiful she is and how much she needs to just be herself with me. I asked her to stay open to me. And she did.”

They fall in love and the Zero says it was God’s will, because if it wasn’t that would probably create some religious ramifications that the Zero, as a perfect being, shouldn’t be bothered to deal with. Adultery is one of the Ten Commandments friend, there’s no loophole there, but nice try. The Zero found “unconditional love” and Meri found “… solice and a way out of her life that she felt stuck in." He feels, "We both got what we wanted out of our affair.” Like, you both got what you wanted out of the affair… briefly? Meri’s love proved pretty conditional and, last I checked, she’s still stuck in the exact same spot she was before, albeit with a lot less solace than she could have possibly imagined. Way to be short sighted.

He thinks they had a very real connection and that they were able to move on once the relationship ended without any animosity. He muses, “If I had no empathy or was filled with anger I would not be still trying to protect her.” In fact, he cites this as the very reason he’s writing the book, not as a trashy tell all cash grab or an obvious attempt at revenge, but an opportunity to give her, “a ticket out of a life that no longer matches her heart.” Exactly. It's just like when the mama bird yanks the newly hatched baby bird from the nest and starts screaming, 'Fly damn you!' He's just trying to teach Meri to fly.

He begs the reader to love and support Meri because that’s “all she needs” to escape from her polygamy cage, you know, the opinions of total strangers who read her lover’s lurid tell all. The Zero admits that he tried his damnedest to help her but, “I wasn’t good enough … I wasn’t enough.” Which is quite possibly the understatement of the century- you weren't even a real person.

Despite claiming to be over his relationship with Meri, he demonstrates in the closing paragraphs, that this is clearly not the case. “I pray everyday for Meri and her daughter. I even pray for that family.” He lives with a “once in a lifetime” love in his heart that is just bursting; he had to immortalize it in print because, “I wanted us to live on forever. This is the only way that I can make that happen.”

  The fuck is wrong with you?

It’s so obvious that he had to write the book and asks the reader “How could I not?” Uh, pretty easily if you're a normal person? Maybe with some intensive therapy, medication or electroshock in your case? I don't know pal. Seek help.

Anyhow, with chapter 1 concluded, the Zero promises to introduce us all to “… this amazing woman I met.” Cannot wait.


 -Kate