Chapter 1, Page 4

Three pages down and only two to go- what a long, strange trip it’s been. Good news is the pages are getting shorter and shorter. The last two pages are barely 3/4s the length the previous ones were- which is bound to look funny in a published work but I’m sure the author is in the hands of a capable publisher. It’s a stylistic decision I’m sure.

The Zero reminds the reader again that he’s Catholic, “We grew up going to Catholic school, Church on Wednesday nights and Sundays. Sometimes twice on Sundays.” I can’t say that I know a great deal about Catholicism but this sounds pretty standard- definitely something you’d expect of a devoted family that’s actively involved in the church. Apparently, church twice on Sundays was a form of parental punishment though, “That depended on how bad we had behaved all week. And I was usually not the cause of that.” No, of course not- you’re perfect and always have been. It’s been established.

Can't let those readers forget

Hanging out with the Zero’s uncles must have had a big impact on the Zero’s father because suddenly he’s described as an alcoholic too, “It became easier to deal with my dad as the years went on. After a while I figured out how to handle his drinking and being mad. I coped.” Again, the author is maddeningly vague with details- I couldn’t tell you whether or not “being mad” involves physical abuse towards the Zero or his siblings, towards his mother, or if it’s just verbal abuse. It almost feels like a catch-all thing to avoid any description or anecdotes (Lord knows there’s space on the page for them). It’s like saying, ‘Hey, whatever you can imagine, that’s totally what happened.’

He says he rode out the dysfunction, repressing anything he was thinking or feeling about the situation. “Then as adults all of this repressed anger comes out in our relationships and friendships,” which is true; it’s a pretty basic armchair psychological approach to childhood trauma, but it’s true nonetheless.

All this talk about childhood abuse, especially in a story where it’s not really warranted, has really let the wind out of my snark sails. You’d be a pretty callous person to pick apart someone’s traumatic childhood experience; that’s what first raised my suspicions that I was being manipulated, as a reader, by a skilled sociopath.

The term sociopath typically inspires an image of absolute evil; the average person may think they are limited to extreme examples the likes of Adolf Hitler or Jeffrey Dahmer. However, the actual occurrence of sociopathy in the human population is fairly high; some estimates state it may be something like 1 in 26 people. To put that in context the average Facebook user, in 2014, had 338 people on their friend lists; over a dozen of those, statistically, should be full-fledged sociopaths. Not all sociopaths make banner headlines or go on to kill someone- most are content to wreak small chaos in the lives of their friends and family members.

I’ve mentioned The Sociopath Next Door; Martha Stout, Ph.D author, lists quite a few criteria for identifying a sociopath- from impulsivity, a lack of empathy, to compulsive lying. And the most important criterion according to Stout? “The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness, it is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.” That’s right, the sociopath would like us to pity them- they need us to pity them to elicit our goodwill or to buy our silence. “I am sure that if the devil existed,” muses Stout, “he would want us to feel very sorry for him.”

 

Because knowledge is power

The Zero abruptly blames his father for his compulsive obsession with physical fitness, “It took me a long time to figure out why I felt I had to work out so much,” despite never mentioning previously that he gave a rat’s ass about such a thing. He describes uses this as another coping mechanism since he could be aggressive in the way that he wanted, and was unable, to be with his father. “That’s not how things should be. We all need to learn at an early age to communicate,” and sure, why not. Talking to someone is more beneficial to a relationship than hitting the gym- obvious things are obvious.

The Zero then switches gears on a dime to lecture the reader about child rearing; it’s this passage that my dislike of the Zero grew to a level where I would punch him in the face if I saw him on the street. “I also really believe you should take your kids individually on dates. Show them how a young lady or a young gentleman should respect you as their date. Maybe start around the age of 5 and go to dinner or a movie. Something that makes them use manners and open up to you. Lead them by example so when they do start dating they already have the necessary tools.”

I’m going to digress for a moment. I have a two year old; it’s a really crappy time in our society to be a new parent. The cult of parenthood is no joke these days; from the moment they’re born to the second they leave the house you are expected to provide the BEST possible life for your offspring. Which would be absolutely fine, admirable and understandable, if the definition of “best” didn’t change from second to second as overzealous helicopter parents try to outdo one another in a frenetic display of one-upmanship. It starts out innocently enough at birth, you’re advised sweetly, “breast is best,” when in actuality they are telling you, ‘if you do not breast feed this child you are worse than Hitler and he or she will be doomed to a life of mediocrity and failure.’ From then on you’ll be subjected to the random opinions of your friends and neighbors, who are frantically turning to Pinterest for new tips on raising their budding angelic prodigies, and will judge you for everything from providing your child with whole wheat when, really, they ought to be going gluten free, daring to use Johnson and Johnson's soap when, really, everyone is paraben, phthalate and sulfate free these days, and how could you use plastic clothes hangers? Why they only use hand whittled and decorated clothespins, made from wood harvested from select sustainable bamboo forests, thank you.

Dinner dates with your five year old? Come the fuck on. Do you know how many great people there have been in human history; do you think their any of parents were doing this sort of crap with them? No. They didn’t have the luxury of time and indolence like we do today- they were running farms, cooking over fires, avoiding plagues, whatever. I highly doubt Abraham Lincoln’s mommy was taking wittle Abe on wittle hand holding dates. Geezes. Teach your children about manners and how to treat others by talking to them and by backing up that talk through demonstration- make sure they realize that they should treat everyone with same courtesy, regardless of gender, sex, race or sexual orientation. That’s it. The great secret to not raising an asshole.

 Stepping down now

However, the 42 year old business tycoon, with no marriage under his belt and no children, disagrees. No one took him on a dinner date as a kid so he says he had no idea how to treat his dates. He emulated his friends and, “said a lot of really dumb things and embarrassed myself.” The Zero kind of intimates that he’s gay, and I mean that in the most judgment free way possible. “I wasn’t using manners very well and I kind of blew off my date to go hang out with my friends as soon as we arrived somewhere.” Thinking back to my high school experience, I can’t remember a single date where the guy wasn’t a total octopus- teens are just so ruled by their hormones at that stage of life. There are late bloomers, sure, but it just strikes me as odd that he wasn’t feeling some sort of way about having an intimate relationship with a female. He says he wouldn’t behave so inappropriately now as an adult and, “I figured out how to deal with it better.” Deal with… it? With what? Your physical aversion towards dating women? That’s absolutely fine. Go date men. Don’t force yourself to “deal” if it’s not what you want.

So the Zero isn’t very good with relationships and he’s still learning. “But I keep trying because one of these days I’m going to meet someone who stays around and molds me into this perfect version of myself.” Nope. So much nope. There’s no one out there who can make you “whole,” and if you try to find someone to do so you’re just going to end up in some bullshit codependent relationship.

He must realize that his statement sounded all sorts of fucked up and tries to downplay with, “I can do all that I can on my own, but it takes a subjective and unconditional love to really get you fine tuned. Or trained, right ladies?” The Zero’s audience is just “ladies” now- great strategy, keep paring it down until your mom is the only person on earth who’ll want to pick up a copy. And can we just not with this sexist shit? 'Tee hee. If I understand anything besides shopping, it's hen pecking my romantic partner!'

 "Right ladies?"

We jump to another tangent, again having nothing to do with an affair with a D list reality star, in the last paragraph. He muses that you’ve probably noticed he has literary A.D.D. and veers from topic to topic without rhyme or reason. “That’s how my mind works.” See. There’s nothing wrong with his writing, there’s something wrong with you for not recognizing that’s he’s a special snowflake whose brain just works better than yours.

The Zero then makes some flimsy attack on spelling and grammar police; which honestly, comes across as an attack on anyone who has a more solid grasp of the English language than he does. You know, everyone. He thinks it’s super funny that they’ll be gnashing their teeth and banging their heads over how terribly this book is written, but he doesn’t care. “I’m not trying to pretend I am by using words I would never really use in my life.”

Okay, I’m a really lenient English nerd; I notice the grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes of others but I’m the last person on earth to point them out if I am able to understand what you meant in spite of them. I certainly don’t expect anyone to use an elevated diction in their writing if that’s not how they speak in real life. If your character is a stumblebum from Oklahoma, then they should probably sound like one (and yours does, by the way).

“You will get used to it. I make perfect sense without the guidance of grammar or sentence structure.” No, no you don’t. There have been half a dozen sentences (on only four pages, no less) where you’ve made little to no sense and I’ve had to guess wildly at what the hell you meant. It’s not just the educated who will be confused, I hope you realize; those who are poor readers will probably be worse off trying to understand you than I am. Your ideas are organized and expressed poorly; I can promise you will lose any reader with your lack of focus.

“I’m not a professional writer, obviously,” the Zero argues; while this is true, it’s a lazy way to minimize any responsibility for creating quality work. You are a writer- you write a blog entry almost daily; you’ve produced a piece of “non-fiction” that you’re charging people for. You are a writer. You’re just a really bad one.

Closing Thoughts:

This page was seriously completely devoid of fun; and I'm so glad to move on from it! What a disjointed mess- we were pity partying, lecturing on subjects we know nothing about, and then declaring we don't give a damn what our readers think. Get it together Zero.

Better luck next page.

-Kate