Chapter 1, How did this happen to me?

Well, we’re back folks; I’d be liar if I said I ever thought we’d be here reviewing a full-length book. Think I lost a bet or two on that one. Just to make a small personal note before continuing, it’s an old adage that, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” In that spirit I would like to dedicate this review to someone who has faced a tremendous amount of personal criticism, harassment and threats, all because she would not be cowed into silence; because she dared to stand for a cause when it was not incumbent upon her to do so. That’s really a quiet kind of bravery when you stop to think about it; I dedicate this to her and to all the quietly brave out there.

Recap:

In the first six pages of Chapter One, we were introduced to the Zero, a super Catholic ex-Boy Scout from Nebraska/Texas with a troubled childhood and a predilection for dating the physically or mentally ill. He’s a 42 year old business tycoon who enjoys spending his free time at the gym, contemplating why everyone’s marriages are failing, and lecturing others on the ideal way to raise their children. Shockingly, this dream boat is often single; he found himself in a whirlwind romance with a polygamist reality star, that he was totally not stalking, whom he met on Twitter. We also learned that he is obsessed with humor and does a mean stand up set with jokes ranging from determining which direction is left to how stupid your sister is.

Chapter One Continued:

The cover we’ve grown to know and love is now gone in the final version of Almost Meri’ed; in its’ place is a black and white image of Noah Wyle staring wistfully at the red and white title. I’m not even saying that sarcastically - it’s seriously Noah Wyle, circa his ER days, in his Doctor’s coat and tie. Weird. The Copyright page credits H.E. Chilton for this cover art, though that seems like a smack in the face to the likes of Picasso to call this “art.” H.E. Chilton, apparently, doesn’t exist according to Google, but maybe he used a fake name because he didn’t want credit for something so freaking crappy.

NextPress Publishing takes the dubious honor of producing the work; bizarrely, Google suggests that they either existed several years ago or never existed at all. Maybe the actual publishing company decided to pull an H.E. Chilton and not claim any responsibility for this mess either.

The publisher copied and pasted the standard legal jargon reserved for works of fiction about “resembalance(s)” to actual people, events and locales being entirely coincidental and changed the verbiage to non-fiction. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works, since a non-fiction work is, by definition, about actual people whose description is both intentional and factual, but, hey, good luck with your subsequent lawsuits!

The book is dedicated to, “to anyone that has loved the right person at the wrong time.”

 It's going to be a long review

The book begins with a “Foreward,” some sort of unfortunate grammatical mash up of foreword and forward I guess, by S. Allred, a former polygamist. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark that S. Allred either doesn’t exist either or is also pulling an H.E. Chilton- by failing to provide a first name she can’t be readily identified in internet search engines. If she does indeed exist then she would be a member of the Allred family-prolific leaders of a rather large sect of fundamentalist Mormon polygamists known as the Apostolic United Brethren (AUB). She would actually be kin to Christine Brown, more than likely a cousin, who was herself an Allred and granddaughter of the AUB’s late leader, Rulon C. Allred. It seems like a huge conflict of interest to write the foreword for your cousin’s sister wife’s lover’s book about his affair with said sister wife but, hey, whatever floats your boat.

Her story is pretty run of the mill and nondescript- polygamy was hard; leaving it was harder but she’s healing. The take away is that love and support is important for those who are facing similar challenges. Which is all very nice, but has very little to do with a trashy reality romance; frankly I find its inclusion to be really culturally tone deaf and sleazy. Trying to class up your affair by appropriating the cultural struggle of a group, with which you are not affiliated, doesn’t make the book seem brooding and deep- it just makes you a dick. 

For real

Anyhow, we’re back to the conclusion of the Zero’s stand up set and the Zero declares that he’s not a particularly smooth guy. Thank you Captain Obvious. He speculates that the reason he’s able to get women at all is because, “The one thing that a lot of people say about me, other than my daily devotion to God, is that I'm sweet. And that's what does it.” You know what would be better than trying to ram the idea that you’re this angelic being down the reader’s throats by telling them that you’re amazing every five seconds? Showing them that you’re amazing. Seriously, tell me some stories, give me some examples- let me come to the conclusion that you’re a sweet guy on my own.

He describes the only three women he’s dated in his life as having “blessed his life.” Really? Lisa micromanaged you to the point of suffocation, you can’t say the second one’s name aloud without feeling the need to rock in a corner somewhere, and Meri, a married polygamist, humiliated  you with a very public rejection. “Blessings,” kay. Proof God may hate you.

He then launches into a pretty nauseating passage modestly describing his numerous Godlike qualities that he bestows on the fairer sex. “I do the small things throughout the entire relationship. I never stop trying to impress and show kindness. I am very compassionate and encouraging. If my lady is excited, I'm excited. When she has done something she is proud of I cheer her on. That's who I am. That's who I have always been.” Honestly, can we get this man a trophy? That's what he's looking for right? Why else would he feel a compulsive need to tell me that he's liquid Jesus at every possible turn.

 There you go pal

Sweet as he is, he wonders how someone like him ended up in a relationship with a reality star; he quickly surmises it’s, “because she wanted it as much as I did.” Whoa. I’ll take things a rapist would say for 500, Alex. Not cool bro, not cool.

The Zero says he quickly became Meri’s confidante; she was shouldering a lot of issues stemming from both the show and her marriage that few in her inner circle knew about. Apparently the pressure of living in the public eye and having every aspect of her life open to criticism was proving difficult; the Zero felt her sense of normalcy was gone and that she’d never get it back, even when the show had ended. Which, yeah, sure, but Meri Brown isn’t exactly a Kardashian and Sister Wives isn’t a super popular show- once it’s off the air for a year or two she’s not going to be recognized anywhere. She’s going to be just fine.

Anyhow, the Zero, a complete stranger off of Twitter, is all up in Meri’s finances and worries about her security once the show is over. He calculates that they’ve been living a lifestyle that they would be unable to support when the TLC money dries up. No kidding, there’s 5 adults and none of them have real jobs, there’s over a dozen children needing college educations, and they’re living in 4 McMansions they financed with cutthroat backdoor mortgages. I imagine they're on a shoe string budget even with the money from the show.

Meri is a total martyr and, unsurprisingly, abides by the plyg mantra of “keeping sweet,” a submissive obedience to one’s husband to produce domestic harmony. She rarely speaks up or defends herself and does what she can to clean up Kody Brown’s image on the show, ignoring his emotional outbursts and immaturity. The Zero is stunned to hear this, saying it didn’t match up with the three episodes of the show he’s watched and has already told us he barely paid attention to. And I'm not sure what show this dude has been watching, but this pretty much matches up to every second I've ever seen. Kody Brown is always being a complete idiot while one, or more, of the wives grins with vacant dead eyes. Hell, this is a man who can relate on national television, with zero fucks given, how he very nearly didn't marry Christine because he was so disgusted by the way she ate some nachos. No surprise here.

Pretty much

So the Zero, smelling emotional vulnerability in the wind, tells Meri everything she wants to hear. “Everyday I told her I thought she was perfect. I told her how beautiful she is and how much she needs to just be herself with me. I asked her to stay open to me. And she did.”

They fall in love and the Zero says it was God’s will, because if it wasn’t that would probably create some religious ramifications that the Zero, as a perfect being, shouldn’t be bothered to deal with. Adultery is one of the Ten Commandments friend, there’s no loophole there, but nice try. The Zero found “unconditional love” and Meri found “… solice and a way out of her life that she felt stuck in." He feels, "We both got what we wanted out of our affair.” Like, you both got what you wanted out of the affair… briefly? Meri’s love proved pretty conditional and, last I checked, she’s still stuck in the exact same spot she was before, albeit with a lot less solace than she could have possibly imagined. Way to be short sighted.

He thinks they had a very real connection and that they were able to move on once the relationship ended without any animosity. He muses, “If I had no empathy or was filled with anger I would not be still trying to protect her.” In fact, he cites this as the very reason he’s writing the book, not as a trashy tell all cash grab or an obvious attempt at revenge, but an opportunity to give her, “a ticket out of a life that no longer matches her heart.” Exactly. It's just like when the mama bird yanks the newly hatched baby bird from the nest and starts screaming, 'Fly damn you!' He's just trying to teach Meri to fly.

He begs the reader to love and support Meri because that’s “all she needs” to escape from her polygamy cage, you know, the opinions of total strangers who read her lover’s lurid tell all. The Zero admits that he tried his damnedest to help her but, “I wasn’t good enough … I wasn’t enough.” Which is quite possibly the understatement of the century- you weren't even a real person.

Despite claiming to be over his relationship with Meri, he demonstrates in the closing paragraphs, that this is clearly not the case. “I pray everyday for Meri and her daughter. I even pray for that family.” He lives with a “once in a lifetime” love in his heart that is just bursting; he had to immortalize it in print because, “I wanted us to live on forever. This is the only way that I can make that happen.”

  The fuck is wrong with you?

It’s so obvious that he had to write the book and asks the reader “How could I not?” Uh, pretty easily if you're a normal person? Maybe with some intensive therapy, medication or electroshock in your case? I don't know pal. Seek help.

Anyhow, with chapter 1 concluded, the Zero promises to introduce us all to “… this amazing woman I met.” Cannot wait.


 -Kate