Chapter 5, June want to explain this? [Part 2]

Recap: 

And we're back. In the first part of Chapter 5 we met Lindsay Jackson and Kendra Pollard-Parra; the two engaged in an all out war, including illegal hacking, threats, and 24/7 harassment, because... some ladies asked who Zero was on Facebook. Makes sense. Zero blamed Meri for Kendra existing; he even broke up with her temporarily. Fortunately, these two crazy kids were back together after Meri worked her  trademark groveling magic. Zero bought Meri a house, a shiny new car, and opened a checking account for her, I guess, in his name with a cool 50k in it. Spoiler alert: I flipped to the back of the book and there's no photos of Meri enjoying any of this. Bummer.

Chapter 5:

Around the first week of June, Zero is planning an upcoming business trip; he’s going to Paris. He’s really fond of Paris because, “it is where I lived for a year during military training. I learned to speak fluently and made some lifelong friends there.” NOPE. So much nope. In 1966, when France pulled out of NATO, Charles de Gaulle, citing the need for French independence in world affairs, ordered US forces out of the country and closed all US military installations. France would rejoin NATO, 43 years later, in 2009; even though they returned to the alliance, the US has not been welcome to resume military operations there. So… no? Unless Zero was part of the French military, this did not happen.

Anyway, Zero’s planning on taking Meri with him. Gee, I’m sure this will go off without a hitch. I wonder how Meri enjoyed France. He’s paranoid that someone will discover the gifts he’s given Meri, namely, his love letters, a stuffed panda bear, and a Bible (hey big spender) while she’s away from her home. He wants her to put them someplace safe, like the new McMansion he’s purchased for her; I’m so sure she can do that. Good thing they won’t have to do anything with the items because there’s trouble on the horizon.

Zero’s Lindsay tries to be a voice of reason and tell the couple to stop posting things publicly on Twitter; they stop, “for a few days. Then we started back up again. It was our thing.” Nobody puts Twitter love in the corner, folks. Predictably, shit finally hits the fan. On June 9^th, Meri calls him, and leaves a voicemail- do I even need to say that part anymore, in tears. She’s apologizing like a mad woman for lying. Meri had apparently told Zero that, “she had handled a situation and that everything was going to be fine.” The first magazine article has just been published about Meri’s relationship with Zero; his business phone number was put online- which, boo hoo, was on his phony legitimate business website anyhow. Zero is irate and pretty damning of Meri, “Meri told me she handled it. She didn't. She lied. That's why she was crying and apologizing.” Okay bro, I’m sure she really tried and probably thought that she had resolved it- that’s not a lie. It's not like she wants an article out there either. The Zero has a three year old's perspective on the world- you told me this shot wouldn't hurt that much and it did! You're a liar! 

Zero- every chapter ever

He laments that, “this is what life is like dealing with her celebrity.” He hates it, wants nothing to do with it, and tells her so. Subtext- when I have you all to myself, you’re not going to be a celebrity anymore if you know what’s good for you. He says his business is going to be ruined by the article because, “a lot of my business contacts are Catholic.” I guess before every deal is closed his clients ask the obligatory, “Now before I go through with this, you haven’t slept with any married reality stars have you?” Now he’s going to have to say yes, and those clients are just going to walk. That’s Catholic Business Ethics 101. So they go through their cell phones, social media accounts, and emails to delete all their evidence- like that’s going to do anything, and like Zero actually did that because he has screenshots of everything she’s ever sent him, and all the voicemails to boot.

Zero must have been extra warm and cuddly during this period, because Meri calls him on June 9^th sobbing, “You asked me to stay open to you and I did. And you made me fall so in love with you. You made me fall really, really hard. And that's all I want. That's all I've wanted. Please call me honey. Please let me talk to you.” It sounds like Meri is beginning to question, subconsciously at least, the emotional manipulation tactics Zero has employed throughout entire relationship. Run with it Meri, literally, run away. When Zero bothers to call her back, he tells Meri that they can’t go to Paris together anymore because too many people are watching. Meri is in a panic, because she’s presumably shut up in her house like a fallen Hester Prynne, hiding from the wondering eyes of her friends and family; she can’t bear the thought of dealing with it alone for another week. She desperately needs this trip.

Things get worse mid June, when the other wives stage an intervention for Meri at their weekly group therapy session. Kody was not present and they begin asking her candid questions about her behavior, telling her that she seemed incredibly distant and withdrawn lately. Meri’s upset that they would dare to do this but decides to tell them that she’s done anyhow, that she wants to leave because her marriage has been a failure. *Cough* Robyn *cough* doesn’t have much to say and seems stunned but *cough* Christine *cough* rallies and suggests a girls day out, to get manicures; she offers her support, saying she just wants to see Meri happy.

 Christine- visual approximation

Meri comes home from the session and hides in her house once again. She’s sure that one of her sister wives is going to tell Kody and that he’ll be barging in at any second to drop the hammer. Despite her trepidation, Kody doesn’t show up until a few days later; when he does, he’s pretty agreeable. He asks if they could talk and he listens quietly to everything she has to say; Meri is surprised. She asks him to “remain civil” while she does some soul searching and they leave it at that.

Meri is still upset that she’s not going to Paris; the Zero tells her to go to Utah, “I told her I would drive up after her and we would spend a week in Utah together.” So, because going to Paris where absolutely no one would recognize them was so risky, they decide to stay in a state where all Meri’s friends and relatives know her, instead. Brilliant. He says he’ll need to make a lot of last minute arrangements but that he could send his “VP” to Paris in his place. They’re driving separately and I guess they’re not even staying at the same place, “I told her in Utah she had a place to stay, I would get a hotel and we would spend as much time as possible together.” Fun?

Meri stays in the Brown’s old house in Lehi, in *cough* Christine’s *cough* old section of it; she spends most of the trip visiting with old friends, some family, and even Mariah. Zero, presumably, didn’t see any of these people and just sat in his hotel room. There are at least three or four niggling sentences in this passage that give you the impression that he wasn’t there at all. He says Meri really enjoyed the trip, “She hadn't had a week off like that in a long time. Not by herself.” By herself, eh? He also praises her photography skills saying, “And the photos she took while we were there are incredible. She really could be a paid photographer. Amazing landscapes.” Landscapes, eh? No people in those photos, nope.

Zero and Meri enjoying a Utah sunset- they're so cute together!

We get another paragraph describing their sex life; try and contain your excitement. Zero sneaks up to the Brown’s house, probably because it wouldn’t needle Kody nearly as much if they had sex in his hotel room, and the two engage in a marathon of love making. “It was so special and the things we shared while we were there I will never forget. The sex was so incredible. One night we managed 4 times and by the end she was laughing and yelled out Oh My gosh Samuel! I just laughed.” Blech.

“We came back from Utah, completely in love!” Aw, how sweet, maybe there is really something there between these two after all.

Not even kidding... two

“At the end of June she said something to me that set me off.” What? No! You guys were in love again! If these two can't make it work what chance do the rest of us have. Zero thinks that Meri’s compared him to Kody again and hangs up on her. What a goddamn prince, I swear. She calls back immediately, of course, and she’s sent to voicemail, standard. She pleads with him, trying to convince him that he’s better than Kody and that their relationship is so much better, “That what I want with you is something deeper and stronger. And more passionate. It's what we have. We have something more passionate than I have ever felt and you know that.”

Zero seems completely disinterested in the fight suddenly and states, “In her own words, she has just confirmed we were having sex.” The fuck? Where is this coming from? And no, that message doesn’t confirm that. Passionate doesn’t, by definition, mean “has had sex” or something, it’s a strong feeling that you can have without ever having sex. He continues, “Comfirmed that we are in love, comfirmed she no longer wants him.” Sure, fine. It also "comfirms" that you’re a controlling nutcase, who will force his girlfriend to grovel before him, repeatedly, with only the smallest provocation.

He refuses to speak to her and starts texting her, saying, “something that got her fired up.” Meri’s upset enough to call back and he doesn’t pick up again. She says, “And I wasn't, I wasn't comparing you and anyway you know what. Guess what, if I were to compare you, you win on all counts. You win on all f-ing levels … So yeah, if I were to compare you, you win all the time. just. I am fighting my darndest for you right now because I feel you slipping away. It's you. You're all I want is you Samuel. It's all I want is you. And I just keep fighting for you and it just keeps pushing you away.” Meri, really. Stop. Just stop. No man is worth this. This is just a tiny glimpse of what you're going to spend the rest of your life doing if you marry this man.

Now that his ego has been thoroughly stroked, Zero condescends to return her call. “As soon as I heard that I called her crying and we both cried and talked. We worked it out. She was right … We both needed a good cry and then we were fine.” Good God. So dysfunctional. Oh wait, it gets worse. Zero says smugly, “That whole voicemail thing made the tabloids and it's the 2nd most talked about thing from the affair … People changed their minds based off of that voicemail. That changed people's minds. That's when people started to get interested in my side of the story.” WHAT IS THIS? I’m so glad your girlfriend’s inner turmoil, caused by your own hand, could prove your case for you. It’s like a serial killer, standing over the body of his victim, saying “Told them I could do it.” Does his guy realize what a creepy fuck he is?

Romantic at heart

“That was a hot month. A lot happened in June. But not as hot as July! Want to find out what happened next?” Hot month? Hot month. Sure. Geezes. I need a drink. We’ll be back in July… and I might mean that literally this time.

-Kate