Chapter 10, It will never be a goodbye

Recap:
Not much happened when we last met in Chapter 9. The tabloids start contacting Zero and the scandal starts to really break in the celebrity news circuit; as a result, the remaining members of his family turn their backs on him and he's kicked out of his church. Zero also watched the Sister Wives finale and cried a lot- same old, same old.

Chapter 10:

Welcome to Chapter 10, a two page long farewell and parting benediction from Zero to everyone even remotely connected to this sordid tale, reader included.

Zero informs us that he never actually said good-bye to Meri; “The last thing I said to her was in a text. I said I will leave you alone.” Which is sort of weird, because in Chapter 9 he let us know that the last time he said anything to Meri was on August 31; in Chapter 7 he told us it was on this date that they set up the Tropical Smoothie showdown. Why would you make a date with someone, that you intend on keeping, only to end by telling them that you’ll leave them alone. Anyhow, he feels that he was being so supportive in telling her that, “That was me accepting her for what she needed.” This “broke” him and caused him to lose Meri but he figures the whole relationship was probably a lost cause before it even started. “I believed in it,” he says pitifully, “I believed with my whole heart that one day we would be married."

He speculates that he forever changed Meri’s life; anticipating my Kate snark, he continues, “Not all bad either.” Thanks for ruining my good time there. He reminds that reader that he’s not actually a bad guy; in fact he’s, “I'm polite. I'm quiet. I can be funny. Know that I work very hard.” Since it's the last chapter, he's really got to drive home the point that he's God's gift to humanity since there might be some hold outs who are still on the fence about it. He also loves all his employees like family; “because they are,” he insists. You see, anyone he interacts with in his life is his family, because he’s an orphan, if you’ve forgotten in the last five minutes, with no immediate family.

Zero tells him that Meri had an impact on his life as well, “I am kinder, more compassionate, and more understanding.” Conveniently, these are supposedly the three qualities Meri used to describe who she thought she was talking to in the final episode of Sister Wives; it must have really impressed him that she could describe him so accurately. He says he has tremendously thick skin because of all that has happened to him since the affair became public; he hopes that his reader will speak kindly of him. “But if you read this and want to be mean,” oh hey, he’s talking about me! “… I will show you grace,” well now, that's convenient. I don't even have to go on my knees begging for Lord Zero's forgiveness- I already have it. He expects that he’ll be criticized about the book or even sued but it doesn’t matter to him, because he just had to share his side of things.

“Are we ready for the big twist?” Ready as I’ll ever be, dear Zero. “This book is a love letter to Meri,” he begins, “But I didn’t write it for her. I didn’t even write it for me.” Wait, what? Didn’t you? Let me check my notes. Book intent- Chapter 1. Aha, here it is, “Someday she will understand why I wrote a book about us. It's going to take her years to realize I wanted us to live on forever. This is the only way that I can make that happen.” Book written for immortality, it’s as clear as day. “I have already immortalized my time with Meri,” Zero announces. What the? When? After starting this book? Can you really change the intent behind your work just because you found a different way to accomplish the same thing along the way? Confused. He drops the bomb that he immortalized his relationship by getting a tattoo on his very mortal body. Apparently he has Meri’s name tattooed on his special snowflake back piece; “she belongs with me, always.” What a creep show. Congrats Meri? So then, what's the big twist? “I wrote this book for her family, her friends, and her fans.”

Perhaps you need to look up the word huh in the dictionary

Talk about a let down. Guy, that's really not a twist; M. Night is probably the only person on the earth who'd be in your corner on that one. He urges her fans to love and support Meri. “She deserves to be listened to,” he insists; sure, everyone should be listened to. “She deserves to act crazy and yell at you,” he continues. Wait… what? I’m sure Meri is a lovely person and all; I’m not sure how anyone can earn the right to yell at another person though… She deserves to yell at me? Why do I deserve to be yelled at? I don't even know Meri. “She deserves you to love her when she’s done having a temper tantrum,” he finishes; I guess there was implied consent that just by reading this book you’ve given Meri Brown the express right to assault you verbally in any manner of her choosing. Congrats everyone!

Zero proves he has some balls of steel when he offers a parting farewell to Kody. Zero recommends that he work on things with Meri, that he even prays he will, and that, “you need to really put in the time to love her as you first loved her or it's time to let her go.” To which I'm sure Kody is thinking, cool bro, no one asked you, while imagining kicking his teeth in. And if he isn't, well, I am. Zero insists Meri is worth it and says that it she stays with Kody, “I bless you both,” Hey, now it's Kody's turn to get a congrats! A Zero blessing is just as good as the Pope's, maybe even better. He politely lets Kody know that, if Meri should decide to leave, “I will always take care of her if one day she chooses me." Zero thinks it should be obvious to Kody, from the book, that he loves Meri a great deal, “I really loved her with everything I had.”

He says farewell to her family, and advises them to “let her be who she is.” Be praises them for doing, “a great job getting her this far,” whatever the hell that means. He tells them that Meri loves them all very much; that the kids are her life. He lets them know that he thinks, “she was never going to leave you.” Great, then maybe you should have walked away when you realized that, you know, before you acted as a catalyst for this irreversible trauma. He offers another farewell to Meri’s fans and tells them that Meri didn’t do anything wrong by having an affair; she just fell in love. Zero says Meri loves her fans and will take time out of her day to be accommodating of their requests; “She is really all that you think she is and more.”

At last it’s Meri’s turn, “Wow, baby, how do I say goodbye to you?” Zero says that he can’t ever say goodbye, and won’t, because she’s still in his heart. “Legend says, true love finds a way,” Zero writes; I’m not going to lie- it was at this moment that I groaned and asked my husband if this idiot was quoting Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. 

“Dr. Ian Malcolm?” he responded quizzically.

“Yeah, that’s the one,” I said.

“No sweetheart, that’s life. Life finds a way,” he replied, while giving me a look of insincere sympathy and patting my head. 

 Legend says...

He’s right of course, but I’m still a little bummed we’re not talking about the Legend of Jeff Goldblum; I have no idea what legend the Zero is on about and I just don’t care. Anyhow, Zero hopes that Meri will find his way back to him, “I will always welcome you.” Yeah, I bet you'd love another crack at that.  He says if Meri needs anyone to talk to or some financial help, since he’s a mega millionaire and hasn’t reminded us in the last page, he’ll give her everything he has. He prays that she works it out with Kody; “I hope that I was the bridge that brought you two back together.” Fuck face. If anything, you are the spark that set that bridge aflame. You have done your level best to ruin Meri's life in every conceivable way. In fact, you're still threatening to do more damage today; it was just two days ago, as of this writing, that you were bragging that you would release more sexually explicit voicemails. Meri's going to pick up the pieces of her life and move forward; it won't be in thanks to anything you did. Zero writes he loves her, thanks her for the time together, she’s his soulmate, his heart still “cries for her,” blah blah blah. “I miss you. Go get em baby!” And with that, I guess Meri straps on her helmet, bursts from the locker room and goes on to win the big game.

Zero closes with, “I pray for you all. Please pray for me too. I love ya’ll," and it's the last bullshit we will ever have to hear drop from his lips. Amen.

The final 11 pages are just photographs; I know there's been a lot of interest over whether there were any photos of Zero and Meri together so I'll give a little run down of their ludicrous content. There are 13 photos of Meri; they're mostly face photos and she's dressed modestly in all of them. One photo is of Meri's arm with the word "Samuel" scratched, I guess, on it- which could be what Zero is alluding to in the last Chapter when he said she had a "talent" for writing on her arm. One is of a short letter Meri wrote to Zero; it looks like it's photographed on her lap and was probably never given to him . There's a set of Disney photos- one of the gates and another of a park ticket. There's one exceedingly blurry photo of a stage show, which was never mentioned in the book before. We've got a random photo of the SLS Hotel in Las Vegas, also never mentioned in the book before, a shot from a parking lot of what looks like a cave on a mountain, and a shot of the Sherman Oaks Estates entrance sign, where Zero claimed to live. Have we grasped how pointless these are yet? As for the couple themselves, there is one, fairly obviously photoshopped, screenshot of a Facetime conversation between Meri and a younger guy that doesn't look very much at all like half-face Sam. Oh, and we've also got the famous half-face Sam photo as the final photograph

The book ends with a ";)" and it's so large that it honestly fills the page. It's either an unsubtle message to Meri or a gigantic fuck you to the audience- take your pick.

Closing thoughts:

I would like to sincerely thank all of my readers for sticking with me until the end of this. While it may not come across in my writing, I'm really not a confident person; I think it must have been temporary insanity to undertake this project in the first place being as shy  and introverted as I am. 

When I first began I had such low expectations; I braced myself for a slew of negative comments and I figured I'd get a couple hundred page views, at best, total. 22 posts later and I've received nothing but glowing comments and thousands of page views a day. It's been an honor and a pleasure to be able to turn something so awful into something readable, enjoyable and funny. I'm really floored and humbled by the reception and the kind words of encouragement I've received about my writing. I suppose it was always a dream of mine that I'd given up, just because it didn't seem practical; maybe it's not so silly after all. Now, as I sit wondering where to go from here, I'm earnestly considering writing as a possibility. Thank you for that.

I'm very glad that I decided to do this; because of it I've met some of the nicest people that can be found on any corner of the internet. It's not hyperbole to say that everyone I've encountered has been intelligent, kind, funny, talented, and highly educated; usually some combination of all of these traits. It's like being in bizarro world that people with such remarkable characteristics are considered the trolls in this situation, when it should very much be the other way around.

And what of the Zero? I suppose I wouldn't be much of a book club if I didn't offer some parting thoughts on him. This experience has taught me new meaning of the word frustration; it's absolutely maddening at times to be unable to solve the case, as it were; to be unable to point definitively to one piece of evidence, that proves it one way or the other, and to have it all end. It's especially irritating when the perpetrator isn't even all that clever and has stopped being the slightest bit careful about what they do.

Personally, I say fuck it. I'm a very strong believer in fate and karma. There's a perspective about karma that I've always appreciated- karma has no menu, you are served what you deserve. When we think of justice, we tend to think very literally, in dollar signs and prison sentences; yet, karma just doesn't work that way- we do not get to select someone's just desserts. Maybe this is the punishment. Having to invent a lifestyle, family, and friends; pretend you've lived a life you never will, earned things you could never hope to achieve. Well, that's a hell that I just couldn't imagine.

Moving forward, I plan to fuck it; to let this go. I believe Karma is much better equipped to sort it out than I am. To those who do stay involved in this story, I can only say do not get discouraged. Don't ever feel like you're losing. I don't need to meet all of you personally to be able to say, very emphatically, that you are winning. Every morning, you get up and you don't have to pretend to be anything that you're not; if that isn't winning, I don't know what is.

Thank you.
 
 -Kate