Chapter 3, April flowers bring what? [Part 2]

Recap: 
Our first portion of Chapter 3 was pretty much a snooze fest. Although, I suppose that's to be expected because our Zero just had heart surgery for an unnamed ailment; he's pretty much out of commission while he heals. The Zero and Meri went to psychics, separately, and are convinced that they've been given a cosmic green light to be together forever. If only they could free Meri from that pesky marriage of hers...

Chapter 3:
Apparently, whenever the Zero and Meri talked on the phone she would spill all the details about what Sister Wives was filming that day; she eventually tells him that things are beginning to break down on set. Meri tells him that she has stopped talking while filming, that she would just sit and listen while everyone around her participated as usual. “She felt that it would be dishonest to keep pretending she was happy with him and she didn't want to say anything to start a discussion about her relationship;” Meri even goes so far as to tell a producer that she was through having any direct discussions, or answering any questions, about her relationship with Kody on camera. As a result, the Zero gallantly accuses Meri of the show being a fake; she argues that they just don’t discuss their lives to a great depth on the show, and that it’s “about making this special family look normal to the viewers.”

 Sister Wives- visual approximation

Though they’ve only been together a whopping month and a half, and the relationship already displays a host of issues from jealousy to mistrust and co-dependency, the Zero decides it’s time to start looking for a house to buy for Meri. They had decided that Meri coudn't possibly live in the Zero’s palatial condo, because her family would need open access to her in order to come check on her after the divorce; it would be awkward for the Zero to be there and he can’t condescend to do anything mildly uncomfortable. They feel it would be best for them to date for awhile after she leaves Kody’s compound; Meri having her own home would be the best way to facilitate that. The house Zero has in mind is only 2 blocks from his own home, in the same gated community. He figures he could sell or rent it when she’s finished using it or, you know, the whole thing falls apart. So while it’s an overwhelmingly stupid idea at least there’s some logic at play here.

On April 18^th our young couple has their first real altercation. Supposedly, after the pair had sex, which Zero probably shouldn’t be doing two weeks after heart surgery, they were talking and Meri made, “a comparison about something that I misunderstood.” The Zero feels that Meri somehow compared him unfavorably to Kody and it enraged him to the point that he simply got up and left. There’s no explanation whatsoever of where the Zero left. Really, where were you both? If you’re saying you’re at Meri’s house I’m calling bullshit- that place might as well be Fort Knox. There are 4 other adults and 17 kids running around, someone would easily see you coming and going in a gated cul-de-sac; I would assume they never went there. A hotel? Your own house? And how are you leaving? You just had surgery. You can’t drive. I’m really confused.

 Zero's cardiologist- visual approximation

Anyhow, after he leaves Meri rushes to call him and diffuse the situation; she leaves a skin crawlingly desperate voicemail, “Babe come on. What is going on tonight. Why are you struggling? My gosh I was not saying that being intimate with you is my worst it's my hair. It's a mop. Oh my gosh honey. Don't. Please honey. You are really having a hard time with something tonight and I wish that you would talk to me. Honey I'm here for you. I'm here. I haven't gone anywhere. I keep trying. Honey please. I love you. I don't know what's going on.”

The Zero is unmoved and sends her calls straight to voicemail two more times. In the second message Meri attempts to explain her side of things further by saying, “You really misunderstood what I was saying. I meant laying here with you is very vulnerable, especially with my hair looking like a mess.” She finally gives up in the third message, “Um, I love you and I know you need your space. Please just come back to me okay … It makes me sad that I hurt you. It was completely non-intentional.”

How any of what Meri is apologizing for could be misconstrued as an insulting comparison between the Zero and Kody I have no idea. When the Zero finally listens to these messages the next morning, he says, “I realized I am an idiot.”

He said it, he finally said it

Seriously, did our Zero just display an ounce of self-awareness. I'm stunned, this is real progress for such a creepy, narcissistic asshole. Actual character development. Anyhow, the pair talks it out and decide that they simply need to communicate better. The Zero stresses that, “It wasn't a fight. At this point we had no fighting at all. Just a misunderstanding.” Baby, isn’t that some wonderful news? It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It wasn’t even a fight that we just had, just a misunderstanding. I guess now that we’ve cleared out Jeopardy’s stockpile of rapist questions we’ve moved onto the Things an Abusive Spouse Would Say category.

At this point, the Zero totally admits that a portion of what he just described for the reader was not entirely true; I wonder if he even realizes it. As he reflects on the cause of the fight he says, “I was an ass for hanging up on her and I felt bad. I just heard it wrong and got upset. That was it. Big mystery finally solved.” I was an ass… for hanging up on her. He was not an ass for walking out on her,  because they were never in the same room when it happened. Applying logic, it sounds like what the pair was arguing about was phone sex; perhaps the Zero was trying to persuade Meri to use her phone’s camera to show him the action. Absolutely gross; I don't want to picture it either, but what else could this passage be talking about.

Seriously

April 21^st rolls around and this was the date of Kody and Meri’s 25^th wedding anniversary; even though things have reached a boiling point where Meri is no longer wearing her wedding ring, the couple is obliged to celebrate for the cameras and the family. TLC actually wanted to send the pair on vacation and Kody, never the one to turn down a free meal, was really on board with the plan. Meri refused and finally won her argument with her husband by pointing out that it would be extremely awkward to play nice on camera for the both of them.

Kody insists upon doing something for the occasion; instead of a lavish trip, he takes his wife to Smash Burger and to a coin shop to purchase an anniversary gift. Afterwards the entire family went to the “Duck show.” Absolutely no idea what that is. The Zero states he was “struggling” with the celebration and tells Meri, “out of respect I would not contact her at all.” Mmm, respect. That’s cute. Really, as a sociopath, what you did was withhold contact and affection knowing that it would make Meri both uneasy, while she should be having a good time, and desperate to prove her loyalty to you since your love is on the line. Will it work? Oh look, it does, “She started texting me and calling me all day to make sure I knew she was in love with me, not him.”

After the festivities conclude, the Zero swears that Meri spent the night with him. “We had sex and laughed about how that's not the right way to celebrate the anniversary.” Gee, do you really think so. Sensing the audience might have the brain cells to determine this is a really icky situation that casts him in a very negative light, he launches into another paragraph about how terrible Kody is, you know, to justify his own awful behavior. “He had been treating her very poorly. He was being mean to her.” See, he brought his wife's infidelity on himself. He says that Kody had not been abiding by the nightly rotation schedule established by the wives; usually he would skip Meri’s night altogether or sleep in a separate bedroom when he bothered to show up at all. Meri asks Kody to remove his things from their house; after an argument spanning 2 weeks he reluctantly agreed, telling her to contact him if she needs anything. Predictably, from that point on he would spend Meri’s night at *cough* Robyn’s *cough* home.

Meri is relieved once Kody leaves and seems to feel that it’s out of sight, out of mind, despite the glaringly obvious need for some sort of resolution between the two. Seriously, you didn’t just break up with your high school boyfriend- he’s your husband and you’re living in a home both of your names are on, in a cul-de-sac smack dab in the middle of all his other wives; you need to reach some sort of formal conclusion. Anyhow, Meri is glad she has more freedom to talk to the zero and that’s about as deeply as she thinks about the situation for the time being.

Oddly, Kody proves to be less of a douche bag than I had taken him for; he doesn’t cast Meri off without a second thought. The Zero says archly that he showed up at Meri’s house daily, “Checking on her and grabbing different things from her house.” Meri, “laughed and said how stupid he was for trying to find out what was going on with her now after so long of not even caring.” And yeah, it is a little late, but really, some effort is more commendable than none whatsoever- it’s not really funny that he’s being an adult and trying to deal with the situation while Meri is just ignoring it and talking to some joker on the phone.

There ya go, Kody

Meri apparently was having a serious case of mid-life crisis and she, “She wanted to wear whatever she wanted. She wanted to go and do anything she wanted. She was tired of filming schedule that wouldn't allow her to take more classes than one at a time. She said she was just tired of all of it.” She starts telling her producer more candidly that she’s preparing to leave the show. He tells her that they need to film some more couch sessions to hint to the audience that it’s a possibility- so that fans aren’t completely stunned and confused when she’s gone next season.

The house the Zero made an offer on is still in the inspection process; things seem very up in the air for the couple. He muses that despite their first misunderstanding, “we were still going strong. After all of this, what on Earth would happen in May? Time to find out.” Can't wait.

-Kate