Chapter 4, May-be it's time to make a move

Recap:

Welcome back to the Book Club! Last time we covered Chapter 3, which was lovely. Meri spent most of the chapter fighting with Kody and she finally kicked him out of the home they share together. The Zero had heart surgery, but recovered remarkably quickly- heading back to work and continuing to rock Meri's sexual world almost immediately. The couple had their first fight after phone sex but decide it was more of a misunderstanding than anything. Zero's looking for a house for Meri so they can move on to the shacking up stage of the relationship already.

Chapter 4:

We’re now moving into May and, honestly, everyday is like Groundhog Day for Meri and the Zero. Meri is still battling it out with Kody, telling him to get his stuff out of their home, while plotting her escape. The Zero is unjustifiably miffed that she won’t simply walk out on her marriage of 25 years for a guy she met on Twitter two months ago; something tells me the background noise of their entire relationship is “Why aren’t you leaving him? When are you leaving him? Why aren’t you leaving him now?”

On their two month anniversary, yes they’re that couple, Meri calls Zero and wishes him a happy one. The Zero claims that he’d been “grumpy” the night before and had been bitching on Twitter like a whiny teenager about the state of their relationship. He laments, “I knew we were at 2 months together. I felt like she was not doing anything we had started talking about in April to get her loose ends tied up.” 

 

Get it in gear Meri

Of course, Zero doesn’t answer his phone when Meri calls and she is forced to grovel before his voicemail inbox, “Baby. I see your tweet and I just want to tell you please don't give up. Okay keep your promise to me. Keep your promise to us. I'm not going anywhere. I'm making steps. Okay. I'm here and I love you. And if you love me and if I love you I think everything will be fine. … Okay? Happy Anniversary today.” And you just want to shake Meri by the shoulders and tell her to screw this guy; a real man wouldn’t be pressuring you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with and throwing immature bitch fests. 

The Zero is impressed by her groveling skills, “She would say all of these wonderful things and I would melt and forget to be mad at her. The love we began with was nothing compared to the love that continued to grow.” Kay. Zero comments that they’re so in tune with one another that it felt like their souls had always knows each other. He asks her how she can have two soul mates, a veiled shot at Kody, and she responds with some tripe about how you can have many and that she considers all her children, as well as Kody, to be soulmates… even though, by definition, that’s totally not what a soul mate is. She sets Zero above them all though, saying, “I was the man of her destiny and she believed that God made me show up into her life the moment she was feeling so unloved and unwanted” God or a pronounced mental disorder, sure.

So they just finished that adorable conversation about how they’ve destined by a divine power to be together forever and they start texting one another and it all goes to shit again. Zero’s ego is soothed, sure, but it occurs to him that he’s still not getting his way- Meri hasn’t left yet and he doubts that she will. So Meri is forced to beg on his voicemail again, “Baby there's no giving up allowed on my watch. Okay? I'm here and I swear I'm taking steps to you. You are what I want. You are what I need. … We both knew this and I don't want to ruin you or ruin me. Your business or my business. And I know that's what we're taking care of with doing things the way that we are.” Does a day go by where this guy is not riding the struggle bus? He sounds like ounces of fun.

So they have another conversation about her leaving and she repeats the same things she’s said 50 times already; seriously, I think I could recite them all without looking by now. She can’t with the show currently filming, she can’t risk jeopardizing the family’s place on the show, and she can’t until she prepares her family- all completely valid reasons for staying where she is.

Zero’s had enough of it and, “I mouthed off a lot.” What a gentleman. She tells him that, “she doesn't throw temper tantrums in front of me because she's afraid I won't love her anymore;” in other words, she doesn’t speak up because she’s completely freaking terrified of his reaction. Irrationally, this makes Zero even angrier and he responds, “don't you dare hold back anything from me. I'm not him.” Meri erupts and starts crying and yelling, telling him about how emotionally scarred she was by her relationship with Kody, and begs for, “more compassion for her situation,” while she tries to get her life in order.

The Zero is strangely pleased by the prostrated side he’s managed to coax out of Meri, “She was crying and yelling. She just exploded on me. And I loved her for it.” Seeing her vulnerability, he starts praising her for letting her emotions flow while simultaneously planting the idea that he is the path to her salvation, “You tell me what you think and feel always. Because I am unconditional love for you. I have never judged you. I am too in love with you to go anywhere.” She starts sobbing intermittently; he starts crying crocodile tears every time she starts up again, “I can't help it. She is the soft part in my heart.” What a total mind fuck.

As if that interaction wasn't creepy enough, the Zero offers a self congratulatory paragraph, “This was the first time she laid everything out there and I didn't leave her. I stood right there and took it and didn't punish her with silence. This is one of the proudest moments of my life.” What is this fuckery? Do you want a cookie?  “It was a beautiful moment. Even if I got yelled at for 20 minutes. One of the best 20 minutes of my life.” The best 20 minutes of your life? We're trying to turn a completely manipulative argument into a beautiful moment? Fuck this piece of shit book.

To hell with it

On May 11th the Zero heads down to an unnamed tattoo parlor to see the best damn tattoo artist on the planet, the only one he’d ever trust to let him work on the fine canvas that is his magnificent body. “Him and I have created some really great looking pieces from my stick figure drawing talent. He always comes back with a much better stencil than I can imagine. And he's worth the money,” and if you’re thinking to yourself, wow that guy sounds amazing, where can I go to get some work done, prepare to be disappointed- Zero won’t tell you his name. Ostensibly, it’s to protect his identity and I nearly took that at face value before I was like hey, wait a minute, it’s just because someone might call the artist and ask about the Zero. There is no zero. That would be bad for the Zero. Almost didn’t catch it; that’s how much this book can screw with your head.

The Zero tells us that he has 15 tattoos, which I guess are worked into one solid back piece. It sounds like a bunch of smaller tattoos are worked around a gigantic cross, because, Catholic. His son’s name and due date, the one he’s mentioned offhandedly in one lousy sentence so far, is also there; tonight he’s adding a tiger to the mix, because, manly. Can he even get a tattoo at this point? He just had his heart surgery a month ago; seems like a dick thing to put your body through after it was kind enough to work so hard and heal after something major. Isn't the risk of infection totally not worth it in your weakened state? Anyhow, he starts blathering about how no one would ever guess he’s a tattoo guy, how his family doesn’t know, and how he loves tattoo art; because he’s a special snowflake and thinks this sort of thing makes him interesting.

 Fact: tattoos make you brooding and deep

May 12^th Robyn goes to see The Age of Adaline with *cough* Robyn *cough* and Zero rambles about how terrifically romantic Meri is, “I love that romantic part of her. She was always so open about her ideas of love and how she liked the history of love stories.” Meri’s favorite movie is Serendipity so the Zero buys it on dvd, because this is 2003, and watches it a “dozen times,” because it’s so fabulous. This guy. Zero is like a wish you made with a magic genie for your boyfriend to be more romantic, except you made the mistake of wording your request just a little bit wrong and you get… this. No thanks.

On the 14^th Meri heads up to Utah to pick up her daughter from college because she had decided a couple weeks beforehand that she wanted to come home for the summer after all. The Zero spends a few sentences trying to play it off that it’s so great that Meri and her daughter are close, but he’s really irritated that this interloper is coming between them, “And that's why at the end of April and the beginning of May I was struggling with the affair so much.” He thinks with Mariah in the house they won’t be able to sneak around like they had been; Meri, of course, has to pick up the pieces whenever the Zero isn’t feeling like king of the castle and she assures him that everything will be fine.

Zero’s still moping though; “I did the worst thing by starting to shut down on her.” Oh your daughter is home for the summer? See you next year. Really Meri, another sign this is not the dude for you, or anyone. Zero says he wanted to step back so that Mariah could settle in and readjust to living at home again, “I know college changes you each year and this time she was bringing back a dog to live with them.” A dog? Hard core. You always hope, when you send your kid out into the world, that they’re going to do right and then they come home, mixed up in this kind of crazy shit. 

 There goes the neighborhood

Out of respect for the dog’s privacy, Zero will only say that it is named for a television character; that it is not house broken. Meri is tasked with caring for the thing, like every parent whose child has brought home a dog ever, and spends a lot of time in her backyard with him. Whenever Meri is outside she would take the opportunity to call the Zero; usually one or more of the children would be in the yard while she did so. The Zero launches into a passage, that’s probably only included to needle Kody, about how Meri asks *cough* Robyn’s *cough* youngest child if he wants to talk to Batman and puts him on the phone with the Zero. Zero remarks how cute and funny the kid is, but really the subtext of all this reads, Hey Kody, I talked to your son- I was that up in your wife and your family. It’s really just creepy.

Meri starts to get a little sentimental about the children; she says she didn’t view any of them as step-children and that she considered them all her own children, even if she had been feeling a little disconnected from the younger ones. Ever since the family moved into four separate McMansions, it had become harder to feel connected to all of them. She asks Zero, since he’s a friendless orphan, if it would be possible to spend the holidays with her family when they begin their life together. He tells her that she may but that, again, he won’t be participating in anything that involves them. This is sociopath for, sure go see your family, but I'm going to make it so uncomfortable for you by bitching and moaning that I'm unhappy, like I've done every paragraph in this chapter, that you stop going altogether and your isolation is complete.

Of the wives, she states that *cough* Janelle and Christine *cough* probably won’t miss her at all, even though they’ve all been together for 20 years. I guess approaching each new wife like the consummate mean girl, didn't really endear Meri to either of them very much. She says she’ll miss *cough* Robyn *cough* the most because they’ve managed to forge a real friendship; that she’s been the only one to check up consistently on Meri while she’s been with the Zero, while she's clearly been hiding something. Everyone seems to know that something is up with Meri, but Kody just thinks that she’s depressed.

Around the middle of May some of Meri’s heath issues come to a head; since February she’d been struggling with some stomach issues and had barely been able to eat. Her doctors had been stumped for awhile; Meri had been really fearful that it might be something serious like cancer. Thankfully, it turns out to be a strain of Helicobacter Pylori, common bacteria found in 50% of the human population that takes up residence in the digestive system; usually it causes no symptoms but for some unlucky individuals it starts attacking the stomach lining. Meri receives treatment and she’s back to normal.

 Ooh, stomach bacteria...

On the 20^th, Meri calls the Zero in tears and tells him that he’s just had an upsetting time at the weekly group therapy appointment with her spousal partners. Kody had been explaining their therapist that he felt ganged up and attacked by his wives; that everyone was always complaining about him and he was tired of it. Prime occupational hazard of polygamy my friend. While Kody is speaking Meri is on her phone playing a game of 2048 because it’s her “coping mechanism” or because she’s completely checked out of the family, pick your poison. Kody notices and is like do you see this shit, and starts telling the therapist that Meri is always on her phone and she’s even showing up late to filming now.

Meri feels singled out, or senses that an inevitable conversation about why she’s always on her phone might follow, choose your own adventure, and she writhes in her seat as she tells him that he’s hurting her feelings. He says that he doesn’t want to listen to her anymore and she bolts from the therapy session. A short time later she calls back, requests to be put on speakerphone, gives excuses for her erratic behavior, and tells them, “She said she didn't want to be attacked in the place where they are supposed to be safe.” Zero’s sort of stunned all this went down and, “I called right back and offered to go kick his ass.” Aha, so he can type ass after all. Selective modesty. Zero is pretty pleased though, when he stops to reflect on the issue, “Again this just proved to me that she was honest about the marriage really being over between them.” 

Chapter 4 Zero- visual approximation

He engages in some more Kody bashing and claims that Kody thinks everything is Meri’s problem and that Meri is punishing him by withholding sex. Zero says that Meri doesn’t want to have sex with him because she’s treated so badly and because he doesn’t take care of her or some junk. Plus, “she had found out with me that there's more to it than just the physical act because I say I love you to her during.” Never one to miss an opportunity to stroke his own ego, Zero states, “when the woman you love is saying how good you are and how sweet and loving you make the intimacy that's a great sign that she's very satisfied and happy.” Please, please, stop trying to make me picture your sex.

Zero ends the chapter, and May, with a perfect example of why this book could have really used a damn editor. He tells Meri that he really wishes he could send her some flowers for their “4 month anniversary.” When she tells him that he may, he sends some out a few days early, on May 30^th. Well here’s the thing- their 4 month anniversary would be in July not June; when he includes a screenshot of Meri thanking him for the flowers in May, she tags another “twitter friend” of the pair that’s never been mentioned in the book before and asks if she got hers too. “I love this fun Twitter friendship,” she raves. He includes another screenshot, immediately after the first, from July 2^nd where Meri wishes Zero, and the same random we’ve never been introduced to, a happy four month friendship anniversary. So… apparently this whole relationship has just been some twitter friendship ménage à trios? I’m really confused.

The flowers Zero sends Meri are red Carnations. Really, Carnations. I’m not a materialistic person, but if I was dating a multimillionaire, I think I’d have a modest expectation that I'd be getting a small taste of the good life. Maybe it makes me shallow, but I think I’d be a little disappointed if the flowers weren’t delivered by a trained, skydiving monkey. Carnations. The most expensive flower, available for commercial purpose, on the planet, is the Juliet Rose. It’s often called the “£3 million rose” because that’s how much it cost its breeder to cultivate it after 15 long years. I would imagine that the cultivator would take lesser flowers, like the Carnation, shred them and use the pieces to fertilize the soil of the Juliet Rose. The Carnation, in other words, is what other, more impressive, flowers, eat. All I’m saying.

Zero congratulates himself for making it through May, “Looking back now I can't believe how we did it. I guess when you love someone enough, you find a way. Is it almost June? Wow. Things really shake up in June. I can't wait to tell you all about it.”  

We did it folks, see you next time in June.

-Kate 

 

 

Chapter 3, April flowers bring what? [Part 2]

Recap: 
Our first portion of Chapter 3 was pretty much a snooze fest. Although, I suppose that's to be expected because our Zero just had heart surgery for an unnamed ailment; he's pretty much out of commission while he heals. The Zero and Meri went to psychics, separately, and are convinced that they've been given a cosmic green light to be together forever. If only they could free Meri from that pesky marriage of hers...

Chapter 3:
Apparently, whenever the Zero and Meri talked on the phone she would spill all the details about what Sister Wives was filming that day; she eventually tells him that things are beginning to break down on set. Meri tells him that she has stopped talking while filming, that she would just sit and listen while everyone around her participated as usual. “She felt that it would be dishonest to keep pretending she was happy with him and she didn't want to say anything to start a discussion about her relationship;” Meri even goes so far as to tell a producer that she was through having any direct discussions, or answering any questions, about her relationship with Kody on camera. As a result, the Zero gallantly accuses Meri of the show being a fake; she argues that they just don’t discuss their lives to a great depth on the show, and that it’s “about making this special family look normal to the viewers.”

 Sister Wives- visual approximation

Though they’ve only been together a whopping month and a half, and the relationship already displays a host of issues from jealousy to mistrust and co-dependency, the Zero decides it’s time to start looking for a house to buy for Meri. They had decided that Meri coudn't possibly live in the Zero’s palatial condo, because her family would need open access to her in order to come check on her after the divorce; it would be awkward for the Zero to be there and he can’t condescend to do anything mildly uncomfortable. They feel it would be best for them to date for awhile after she leaves Kody’s compound; Meri having her own home would be the best way to facilitate that. The house Zero has in mind is only 2 blocks from his own home, in the same gated community. He figures he could sell or rent it when she’s finished using it or, you know, the whole thing falls apart. So while it’s an overwhelmingly stupid idea at least there’s some logic at play here.

On April 18^th our young couple has their first real altercation. Supposedly, after the pair had sex, which Zero probably shouldn’t be doing two weeks after heart surgery, they were talking and Meri made, “a comparison about something that I misunderstood.” The Zero feels that Meri somehow compared him unfavorably to Kody and it enraged him to the point that he simply got up and left. There’s no explanation whatsoever of where the Zero left. Really, where were you both? If you’re saying you’re at Meri’s house I’m calling bullshit- that place might as well be Fort Knox. There are 4 other adults and 17 kids running around, someone would easily see you coming and going in a gated cul-de-sac; I would assume they never went there. A hotel? Your own house? And how are you leaving? You just had surgery. You can’t drive. I’m really confused.

 Zero's cardiologist- visual approximation

Anyhow, after he leaves Meri rushes to call him and diffuse the situation; she leaves a skin crawlingly desperate voicemail, “Babe come on. What is going on tonight. Why are you struggling? My gosh I was not saying that being intimate with you is my worst it's my hair. It's a mop. Oh my gosh honey. Don't. Please honey. You are really having a hard time with something tonight and I wish that you would talk to me. Honey I'm here for you. I'm here. I haven't gone anywhere. I keep trying. Honey please. I love you. I don't know what's going on.”

The Zero is unmoved and sends her calls straight to voicemail two more times. In the second message Meri attempts to explain her side of things further by saying, “You really misunderstood what I was saying. I meant laying here with you is very vulnerable, especially with my hair looking like a mess.” She finally gives up in the third message, “Um, I love you and I know you need your space. Please just come back to me okay … It makes me sad that I hurt you. It was completely non-intentional.”

How any of what Meri is apologizing for could be misconstrued as an insulting comparison between the Zero and Kody I have no idea. When the Zero finally listens to these messages the next morning, he says, “I realized I am an idiot.”

He said it, he finally said it

Seriously, did our Zero just display an ounce of self-awareness. I'm stunned, this is real progress for such a creepy, narcissistic asshole. Actual character development. Anyhow, the pair talks it out and decide that they simply need to communicate better. The Zero stresses that, “It wasn't a fight. At this point we had no fighting at all. Just a misunderstanding.” Baby, isn’t that some wonderful news? It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It wasn’t even a fight that we just had, just a misunderstanding. I guess now that we’ve cleared out Jeopardy’s stockpile of rapist questions we’ve moved onto the Things an Abusive Spouse Would Say category.

At this point, the Zero totally admits that a portion of what he just described for the reader was not entirely true; I wonder if he even realizes it. As he reflects on the cause of the fight he says, “I was an ass for hanging up on her and I felt bad. I just heard it wrong and got upset. That was it. Big mystery finally solved.” I was an ass… for hanging up on her. He was not an ass for walking out on her,  because they were never in the same room when it happened. Applying logic, it sounds like what the pair was arguing about was phone sex; perhaps the Zero was trying to persuade Meri to use her phone’s camera to show him the action. Absolutely gross; I don't want to picture it either, but what else could this passage be talking about.

Seriously

April 21^st rolls around and this was the date of Kody and Meri’s 25^th wedding anniversary; even though things have reached a boiling point where Meri is no longer wearing her wedding ring, the couple is obliged to celebrate for the cameras and the family. TLC actually wanted to send the pair on vacation and Kody, never the one to turn down a free meal, was really on board with the plan. Meri refused and finally won her argument with her husband by pointing out that it would be extremely awkward to play nice on camera for the both of them.

Kody insists upon doing something for the occasion; instead of a lavish trip, he takes his wife to Smash Burger and to a coin shop to purchase an anniversary gift. Afterwards the entire family went to the “Duck show.” Absolutely no idea what that is. The Zero states he was “struggling” with the celebration and tells Meri, “out of respect I would not contact her at all.” Mmm, respect. That’s cute. Really, as a sociopath, what you did was withhold contact and affection knowing that it would make Meri both uneasy, while she should be having a good time, and desperate to prove her loyalty to you since your love is on the line. Will it work? Oh look, it does, “She started texting me and calling me all day to make sure I knew she was in love with me, not him.”

After the festivities conclude, the Zero swears that Meri spent the night with him. “We had sex and laughed about how that's not the right way to celebrate the anniversary.” Gee, do you really think so. Sensing the audience might have the brain cells to determine this is a really icky situation that casts him in a very negative light, he launches into another paragraph about how terrible Kody is, you know, to justify his own awful behavior. “He had been treating her very poorly. He was being mean to her.” See, he brought his wife's infidelity on himself. He says that Kody had not been abiding by the nightly rotation schedule established by the wives; usually he would skip Meri’s night altogether or sleep in a separate bedroom when he bothered to show up at all. Meri asks Kody to remove his things from their house; after an argument spanning 2 weeks he reluctantly agreed, telling her to contact him if she needs anything. Predictably, from that point on he would spend Meri’s night at *cough* Robyn’s *cough* home.

Meri is relieved once Kody leaves and seems to feel that it’s out of sight, out of mind, despite the glaringly obvious need for some sort of resolution between the two. Seriously, you didn’t just break up with your high school boyfriend- he’s your husband and you’re living in a home both of your names are on, in a cul-de-sac smack dab in the middle of all his other wives; you need to reach some sort of formal conclusion. Anyhow, Meri is glad she has more freedom to talk to the zero and that’s about as deeply as she thinks about the situation for the time being.

Oddly, Kody proves to be less of a douche bag than I had taken him for; he doesn’t cast Meri off without a second thought. The Zero says archly that he showed up at Meri’s house daily, “Checking on her and grabbing different things from her house.” Meri, “laughed and said how stupid he was for trying to find out what was going on with her now after so long of not even caring.” And yeah, it is a little late, but really, some effort is more commendable than none whatsoever- it’s not really funny that he’s being an adult and trying to deal with the situation while Meri is just ignoring it and talking to some joker on the phone.

There ya go, Kody

Meri apparently was having a serious case of mid-life crisis and she, “She wanted to wear whatever she wanted. She wanted to go and do anything she wanted. She was tired of filming schedule that wouldn't allow her to take more classes than one at a time. She said she was just tired of all of it.” She starts telling her producer more candidly that she’s preparing to leave the show. He tells her that they need to film some more couch sessions to hint to the audience that it’s a possibility- so that fans aren’t completely stunned and confused when she’s gone next season.

The house the Zero made an offer on is still in the inspection process; things seem very up in the air for the couple. He muses that despite their first misunderstanding, “we were still going strong. After all of this, what on Earth would happen in May? Time to find out.” Can't wait.

-Kate

Chapter 3, April flowers bring what? [Part 1]

Recap:
Welcome back book clubbers, hope everyone had a great weekend. I didn't have to spend any time thinking about this book so mine was pretty spectacular! During our last review, the Zero and Meri met and began a relationship that was moving faster than the speed of love. Within a week of meeting each other, they two met and started a sexual relationship. By the end of the first month, they were spending their weekends at Hobby Lobby while talking marriage and babies. It's getting pretty serious folks.

Chapter 3:
This one is entitled, “April flowers bring what?” and already I’m irritated. The phrase to which this is referring is, obviously, “April showers bring May flowers,” based on the meteorological tendency for April to be particularly rainy; thus, create plant growth the subsequent month. It’s often used to metaphorically describe periods of sadness and strife that result in happiness and joy. So why the hell is the phrase wrong here. Is this intentional? Spoiler alert: there are no flowers in the chapter; there is a lot of fighting though… Keeping the phrase as is seems appropriate. Is this supposed to be funny? Is the author stupid? Am I stupid for not seeing the brilliance at play here? Anyhow, the bullshit book club will be breaking this chapter up into 2 parts for your reading pleasure.

We begin with an argument between the Zero and Meri over what date should be considered as their anniversary. Meri believes it should be March 1^st, the Zero feels it should be the 2^nd, and the reader, of course, could not give a shit. No surprise, the Zero wins; March 2^nd it is and thus, the couple has officially made it through one solid month together. The Zero gloats, “things were so good. We were really, really happy together.”

A whole month? Good for yooooouuu

The Zero lets us in on a little behind-the-scenes information about Sister Wives’ filming process. Usually the show is filmed from 10am to 6pm; with the intent of finishing early before any of the children would return from school. It seems Meri was on call to film her portions, but if she wasn’t needed for much then she had a great deal of freedom to call and text her love interest. The Zero maintains that even on days when she would be filming longer couch sessions; she would race to call him during her breaks. Based on the lack of content the viewer sees in a typical season you would guess that the entire thing was filmed in a single afternoon, but you’d be wrong; Meri is actually a busy woman.

Zero becomes really paranoid about the microphone Meri is required to wear while filming; he instructs her not to call him or even take his calls while she’s wearing one. Meri tells him that she always makes sure it’s off, but Zero knows best and insists, “I told her I thought the thing would still work or something and that was not something I would compromise about.”

And seeing as this is the first week of April 2015, who wants to bet that the Zero had just finished watching the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst. As a budding serial killer himself, I can just imagine the look of terror on the Zero’s face as the closing scene rolled; and picture him as he frantically reached for the nearest scrap of paper to scribble, No microphones ever!!! How great was that documentary. Sorry, with all the dullness my mind is desperately drifting to more interesting topics.

The reluctant Meri of the previous chapter is gone; as a result of the worsening situation with her husband and the blatant manipulation of the Zero, she’s succumbing to Stockholm Syndrome. Seriously, she’s devolved into something of a Stage 5 Clinger, by the Zero's account, and spends the entire chapter trying to figure out where the Zero is or what he’s doing, and begging him not to leave her. Zero claims he received 59 voicemails from Meri in April; nearly two a day, which seems like a lot from someone who lives a couple blocks away from you. This guy must be lousy at picking up his phone. He tells the reader that most of their calls were spent plotting how to get Meri away from her husband and the show. He knew it was wrong but he was, “running on love. And my love for her was endless.” Uh huh.

He informs the reader that he and Meri had a nauseating code to discretely reference their sex life; whenever they would discuss a “business agenda” or board meetings” they would be talking about sex they’d had. In typical Zero fashion he finds this hysterical, “we would laugh and laugh and laugh. It was so much fun.” On April 2^nd, Meri left him a voicemail example of this, saying, “I need to apologize for pushing my business agenda this morning. And, um, ask your forgiveness.” The Zero reflects, "That morning we were able to sneak in some very good sex. I remember it as soon as I

listened to that voicemail again. Wow." Why is it that every time the Zero describes sex, I start to get the impression that he's never had sex. Really, who talks like this?

 Oh yeah, this guy 

Zero reveals that in “early April,” he had heart surgery. I knew that laughing thing wasn’t normal! Those were totally mini cardiac events; I’ve been to Webmd once or twice, I’m practically a doctor. He doesn’t really say what his heart issue was but states that his body was “shutting down,” which perplexes him because he says he works out religiously, walks frequently; he even follows a strict vegan diet.  He blames his bum ticker on increased stress at work, from having to work long hours, oh, and on Meri. He says that for all of March he was either up late talking to her or, “sneaking around for sex.” Their relationship is literally killing him, but things are great other than that.

Recovering from heart surgery is a huge deal; I would imagine the rest of April is about to get pretty boring from here on. Really you can’t travel for 2-3 weeks, return to work at those 6 businesses you own for at least 4-6, or even drive for 3-4. I would imagine sex is almost completely out of the question for several weeks as well. So everyone breathe easy, we're probably not going to get any more gory details this chapter.

The Zero takes this opportunity to tell us that once he flew in to see Meri for the Disneyland trip last month, he never left. Seriously, I guess he just called his office in Oklahoma City and was like ‘Hey I’m screwing this reality star now, so… yeah. See you never. Bye.’ That must be nice. This makes me wonder how much stress this dude really could have had- all I see is sex, Disneyland vacations and trips to Hobby Lobby. He says he flew in and out of town a lot for “business things,” though. During these trips he would notice that, “we would start bickering a little bit about small things.” Fortunately, “we'd call each other on it and attribute it to missing each other.” Ah, co-dependency.

On April 12^th, Meri attends a cardboard boat race that was being filmed for the show. The event had a small carnival feel; as such, there was a psychic booth there. Meri feels “called” to do a reading; the psychic tells her that she’s living a dual life and that a tall, kind and smiling, man is the man she’s meant to be with, that they will have children together and she’ll be very happy. The Zero, “dang near dropped the phone,” when Meri told him; shocker, the Zero associates these positive attributes with himself, saying, “that's me.” They’re both amazed that the psychic's reading managed to encapsulate of all his godly qualities and are encouraged that they’ll be together forever because no one else knew about their affair, not even the Zero's best friend forever, Lindsay. It just had to be legit.

Now, I believe in psychics and astrology too, even though I’m smart enough to know better; I blame it on my Irish heritage, we’re a superstitious lot. I believe there have been numerous instances in human history where individuals have known things through a sixth sense that defies any sort of logic and that there are such gifted individuals today, helping police solve cold cases or assisting the government a la the Stargate Project. These rare gifted specimens, however, are not typically found hawking their services at cardboard boat races. Your run of the mill psychic is usually just a cold reader- someone who employs basic observational techniques to gauge information about who their client is and what they want to hear. There’s nothing remotely special about Meri’s psychic. A frumpy middle aged woman approaches your booth? Well, most  women want to hear about a man. Talk about a man. 92.5% of women date men taller than themselves. Tell her that he’s tall. If her countenance seems to brighten when you mention a man, you tell her how happy he’s going to make her and how they’re destined to be together. And done.

 Her readings are 99.9% accurate

Anyhow, the Zero is inspired to visit a psychic of his own a few weeks later; I’m assuming he had to be wheeled from his sick bed and driven there. His psychic told him that he’d marry the woman he was with, that the woman was an intuitive herself, and that his, “happiness is tied to this woman and can not be broken.” See how wrong mall psychics can be. She offers to tell him more but, “it was going to cost another $150 and I had heard enough.” Isn’t $150 to a mega millionaire the equivalent of five cents to us common poor folk? Way to be cheap bro. The Zero is convinced his psychic is right too; because he says that Meri does indeed have, “special powers,” that she could tell the future to an extent and see visions of what will happen. Kay.

In mid April, the honeymoon phase pixie dust is beginning to wear off and Meri starts complaining to Zero about how he never answers his phone. He claims that work has him busy from 6am to 10pm, because he has business calls he has to take from both coasts, and that April is his busiest month since it’s tax time. Something tells me his cardiologist would be really, really displeased to learn he was working so hard less than two weeks after his heart surgery. Seriously bro, you’re supposed to be taking it easy- your chest was just ripped open after all.

So he placates Meri by giving into her request for love letters, she had told him, “it would be fun to go to the mail and get a love letter.” So he writes her letters and once she would get them she would race home and, “jump in “our chair” to read it,” and read it aloud to him on the phone and cry. Not even joking, he says she cried and said she loved receiving them. These two really know how to have a good time. Zero is characteristically pleased by his efforts, “I write some darn good love letters.”  

Kanye thinks you might be egotistical

Contemplating the Zero's arrogant stupidity seems like a good place to pause and end this meeting. In our upcoming second portion of chapter 2, we'll be covering our favorite couple's first real fight misunderstanding and more details about Meri's disintegrating relationship with Kody. Cheers until then.


-Kate

Chapter 2, Marching into something good [Part 3]

Recap:
We've covered about a week of the Zero and Meri's relationship in the first part of our Chapter 2 read through; they've finally met face to face! They even had sex, described with all the warmth and energy that you'd use to recount your last pelvic exam. Our star crossed lovers have made plans to head to Disneyland- the romantic-est  place on earth? We'll see.

Chapter 2:
So Meri and Mariah drive to Disneyland the next morning; I guess the Zero and Meri find time to sneak in a quickie, again, beforehand, not sure how that works. Mike and the Zero fly out to meet them, but not really them exactly, because Mariah never meets them or seems to know that the Zero is there. Supposedly, Meri sneaks off to meet the Zero periodically and leaves Mariah all by herself.  The Zero says, “She was swarmed with fans off and on and it made it difficult for her to really enjoy much time with her daughter.” You total asshole. Making her sneak off to hang out with you didn’t make it hard for her to spend time with her daughter? Talking to some fans did? This guy has no perspective. So supposedly the brief moments they shared were fun, but they were also weird because Mike was glowering over their shoulders the whole time; in the end he doesn’t even get to say goodbye to Meri before she left. Some date.

Meri was enchanted though and sent him a quote, which the author so thoughtfully includes a screencap of, that says “You are not a match. You are a goddamn wildfire.” The Zero writes, “That made me grin because I really am.” What the fuck. If your life had a face I would punch it.

Afterwards they both say “I love you,” for the first time, on the phone I guess or something, it’s not really clear but since all of their relationship is long distance it’s a fair guess. This would all be cute but the Zero decides to be a narcissistic ass again and says,“I can kiss you. And you can slap me and push me away. For dishonoring you. I am very good looking.” He doesn’t even stop there, we get an entire paragraph about how good looking he is, how he knows it, how he hears it all the time, and how he knows that Meri is so attracted to him.

Deeper than the Zero, let that sink in

Meri asks if Mike, since he totally saw her and all, will cause problems for the couple by running his mouth about them to whoever will listen- tabloids I guess. The Zero “reassures” her by telling her,“No he will not. He has bitten me in the backside before. He won't this time.” Because that makes total sense, oh yeah he's screwed me over tons of times over the littlest things but now that there's a potential cash payout involved he'll totally be cool, but Meri just tells him she wants to bite him in the backside and we’re back to sexy town.

Meri announces that she has to go to Utah pretty soon and invites the Zero along but he has half a dozen reasons why he couldn’t possibly go and I’m sure I could think of at least one myself… Before she leaves he urges her to, “Come spend the night. I will be alone. Lay with me. I won't touch you. Just hold you.” She says no and that, “there are boundaries. There have to be. Oh Sam.” How interesting that someone you already had sex with would say that- usually once you have sex all the boundaries go out the window because that line has already been crossed. It’s almost like… you didn’t have sex. Weird.

She leaves for Utah and it’s pretty uninteresting- they call and text. She’s supposedly clingy and say she fantasizes about what it would be like to introduce him to her family; they even talk “babies and marriage.” Fucking seriously? There’s no date for her trip, but at best it’s mid March, it’s been a week. A week and we’re talking marriage, that’s super reasonable.

The Zero takes this sweet conversation as an opportunity to introduce his creepily irrational jealous side. He says, “It sucks because I know when you get home at some point you will be in bed with him. Making love to him. It kills me. I'm just one guy that loves one woman. And you end up in bed with him.” Okay guy I’ve known for a week, tell me how much it bothers you that I have sex with my husband of 25 years, because clearly you own me. 

 Because aliens

Meri rushes to soothe his ego and tells him that when she fantasizes about the future she sees the Zero there and not Kody. They start talking about how she’ll leave the family, because it’s been a week and the Zero needs to lock this shit down already. She tells him she can’t risk leaving while the show is still airing, because it would kill the cash cow of a show that’s feeding and clothing 23 people.

On March 10th, Meri calls the Zero to tell him that her brother, Marc, passed away. Poor Meri, the hits just keep coming for this woman. The Zero offers to pay for his funeral and she refuses; I’m sure that’s supposed to be sweet of the Zero or something but I don’t find it appropriate at all. Unless she was somehow hinting that there was going to be a financial problem it’s not very sensitive to throw your money around, trying to impress your love interest, over something so personal. Just be there for her, really, it’s not an opportunity to score brownie points.

So freaking strangely, the Zero ties this event to the first voice mail he receives from Meri the same day. Meri leaves him a very rambly message in which she says, “Um listen. I know, I know you've had a really rough day and I'm really sorry about that and I wish there was something I could do to help you. You know. I just need you to know that I love you and I care about you and I care for you and I just. I'm just really concerned about you right now.” The Zero warmly remarks that it was so sweet of Meri to think of him while she was grieving the loss of her brother.

Yes, it is sweet; it’s also really odd. Meri seems like a pretty rational person- sure she got a little starry eyed over some hunk who strolled into her life, but she’s definitely someone who responds rationally to things. That is not the message of a woman who’s calling to ask about her friend’s bad day- that is the message of a rational woman who is very seriously concerned about someone who has given her a rational reason to be so alarmed. So this reader wonders, what the hell did this douche bag tell Meri was so terrible about his own life to make her more concerned with his plight than her own grief. We may never know.

Anyhow, he tells the reader that he still has almost 300 voicemails from Meri, and that he won’t post all of them- just 194 of them. He won’t share any more of them because, “They are special to me.” Sure, special in exactly the same normal way a serial killer takes trophies from his victims. Special.

You ain't gotta explain Zero, he gets ya

That same freaking night her brother dies, they’re discussing how Meri can leave the family and the show again. She pretty much tells him that she can’t think of a way without speaking her peace and likely hurting a lot of people; supposedly, she asks him if he could help her find a way. He tells her that it’s okay if she wants to stay within the family circle and go to visit them, after she leaves, but that he doesn’t want any contact with them. To which I’m sure Meri was like, thanks ass, but I really wasn’t concerned with how the situation would suit you, a guy I've known for a week. Just kidding, she probably sighed, “Oh Samuel,” or some shit.

He takes another opportunity to damage Kody’s reputation and tells the reader how badly he was treating Meri; how Meri was only staying for Mariah’s sake. Meri didn’t feel loved and he, “he treats her like his assistant to get the things done he needs done.” And I kind of side eyed this one. At least she got to be the exalted special first wife for the entire relationship, how do you think *cough* Janelle *cough* feels? Kody’s pretty much said, point blank, that she’s just there to do their taxes and she doesn’t even get to be special, but whatever.

Zero tells us that Meri is neglected and that no one takes care of her. She seems like an able bodied woman, not past the prime of her life to me, but I guess she’s actually helpless. Her “strong sons” have to come to the McMansion to fix or lift things for her, when the Zero feels that should be Kody’s job. Now, I don’t dislike Meri but really. Fiddle dee dee. She has to have her strong sons wait on her in her personal Shang-rila, oh dear. She had to have her own private McMansion and wet bar, maybe more people would be around to give her the help she so “desperately” needs if she hadn’t sequestered herself in a gilded cage away from the family. You reap what you sow.

The Zero thinks pretty harshly of Kody and states, “that guy is a douchebag! I would probably do something about it if I ever met him around Las Vegas … He really needs a good you know what kicking just to get him off his cloud.” A good you know what kicking? Seriously. Personally, I think that if you can screw a man’s wife and threaten him with bodily harm you should probably be man enough to type the word ass. Call me old-fashioned.

But that's none of my nevermind

Zero dishes some gossip that when Meri and Kody’s legal divorce was finalized she went on a cruise with a friend of hers; they called it her divorce party. Meri bought Kodester a watch while on the trip and almost didn’t give it to him because she was so disgusted with him.

We’re now at March 12th, t-e-n days after the first phone call; the Zero is still in Vegas I guess but it’s not really described why. Meri leaves him a message and they had plans to go to Hobby Lobby. “I love that store. I can so many decorating ideas walking in there.” Well, on the one hand he's a narcissistic, mysogynistic, controlling stalker... but on the other he does love trips to Hobby Lobby, designer pillows and talking decorating. I'm so conflicted. The line just might form behind me ladies.

Every male at Hobby Lobby ever

Around the middle of March, Zero says the pair of them were feeling pretty guilty about the affair. “At this point we were having sex on a regular basis. It was usually 2 or 3 times a week. And sometimes it was 2 or 3 times a night.” He pins this on Meri, again, and says, “if she had told me no I would have backed off.” Right, because you’ve proved very adept at recognizing when Meri is telling you ‘no’ and responding appropriately.

At the end of March, Meri is attending the wedding of a crew member on the show and she’s in a quandary about what to do with her unruly hair. In a move seriously lifted out of the 50 Shades trilogy, Zero has his assistant make her an appointment at a salon, expenses on him. Really, it’s 50 Shades- I can say that and I’ve only read bits and pieces, everyone knows. Mega billionaire, misogynist, abusive hunk Christian Grey makes Anastasia a litany of appointments at salons and gynecologists because he’s a romantic scary control freak. Anyhow, Zero pulls a Christian and even advises Meri to have it cut shorter to reveal her neck, “because I was so obsessed with it.”

Mercifully, March is over and it’s the end of the chapter. “I met and fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. What could possibly go wrong in April?” Let's hope it's everything.

 Have a good weekend folks, the book club resumes next week with Chapter 3, Meri's Revenge. Kidding, it's some bullshit play on words about April. 

-Kate