Chapter 5, June want to explain this? [Part 1]

Recap:
Welcome back! Last time we met Zero was hounding Meri relentlessly to leave her husband; Meri was battling it out with Kody in group therapy. Zero got a tiger tattoo, Mariah got a dog, and Meri got... stomach bacteria. Fun!

Chapter 5:
As we open in June, our favorite star crossed lovers have begun to act recklessly, “All of May we had been using Twitter as an open love note. We no longer were being careful or cared what anyone thought.” Despite this cavalier attitude, something tells me we’re going to spend a lot of this chapter caring about what people thought. “I regret letting my feelings for her take away my better judgement,” laments Zero, because now the public has started to take notice of his antics.

Zero says that there are people on the internet that have nothing to do with their time and live to trash others for what they say and do, “I call them trolls.” What a special snowflake- he calls them trolls. Fuck face, the entire internet calls them trolls. You didn’t invent that, you’re not being clever. Oh heaven help me, “Because they don't use their real names or photos and they are mean.” Non Sequitur. A defining characteristic of a mythical troll is not that they don’t have photos. You could say “I call them trolls. Because they live under bridges and have a connection to stone,” sure. Otherwise it’s like saying, “Well you’re real nice and your photo is cute. I’m going to call you a lamp shade.” It’s especially egregious because the internet term “trolling” is actually debated to have arisen from the fishing technique and not the troll of folk lore anyhow.

 The more Zero doesn't

Enter stage left: Kendra Pollard-Parra. The no good trolls take it upon themselves to contact Kendra, good friend of *cough* Robyn *cough* and administrator of several Facebook groups devoted to Sister Wives and polygamy. Kendra’s devotion to the Browns had garnered her something of a reputation as being the family’s social media bulldog and had even earned her a brief cameo appearance on the show. The trolls piqué her curiosity about the handsome stranger in Meri’s life and she begins making inquiries on her forum. An unnamed acquaintance of Sam’s steps forward; says ‘oh yeah, I totally know that dude. He’s good people,’ and, illogically, gives her Zero’s friend, Lindsay’s phone number.

Enter stage right: Lindsay Jackson, a long time best friend and supposed business partner of the Zero. Though she is the Zero’s closest confidant, she isn’t aware of the affair the two are having. I can’t really figure out her role in Zero’s business conglomerate but he states that she had been tasked with, “working with Meri on my suppliment order” and taking Meri to the Cirque du Soleil show, O. His business is a counterfeit pants operation if I’ve ever heard of one. Zero describes Lindsay as being, “very...I don't know if there's a cuss word strikeout button on this software, so let's say she's colorful.” Her hobbies are booze, gambling and “trying to figure out the remote.” She’s a quiet person in small settings; paradoxically, in public ones, she’s a college frat boy. Zero remarks that her usefulness lies in being, “the one person that can shut down the trolls.”

With the stage fully set and everyone’s popcorn ready for the social media smack down of the year, the Zero decides to go off on an arbitrary tangent about his business philosophy. Seriously, why? Things were finally going somewhere. Apparently, even though he describes Lindsay as an investor the previous sentence, “I'm self-funded and don't take on investors for any of my projects because I don't need investors.” Alright. Investor but no investors. He says his businesses are so successful, “because I fold my profits back into the construction business so I can take on bigger construction projects.” He’s pretty much describing retained earnings, a staple of every business ever, but whatever- it’s his unique idea. “That's how I've grown all of my companies so fast,” and no, empirically, businesses that subsist on retained earnings only and refuse to raise capital from investors or debt instruments grow at a substantially slower rate than those that do not. Zero prides himself on cutting any costs that don’t benefit the community, “If we do a party it's an office party with a sheet cake.” Fucking fascinating. I wonder if there’s a Bill Gates biography out there that describes his philosophy on sheet cakes; maybe then we can get an accurate read of Zero’s business acumen by comparing the two.

Sheet cake... 

Actors resume your places. Even though Kendra has Lindsay’s phone number and is itching to find out more about Meri’s new friend, she’s hesitant to call. The Zero describes Kendra as being afraid of his fun loving bff. Lindsay had found out that Kendra was given her phone number and, instead of being rational about it, maybe waiting for her to call, she took it upon herself to hack into Kendra’s Facebook groups. Kay, that’s illegal. You might have a hard time finding a lawyer who gives a rat’s ass about your Facebook account, but it’s still illegal. Lindsay wreaks havoc, deleting unfavorable posts and threatening Kendra to stay out of Zero’s business.

Kendra finally gets up the nerve to make the call and asks Lindsay to leave her, and her group, alone. Reasonable. Zero and Lindsay are partying at the Paris Casino; Zero actually walks in on Lindsay screaming at Kendra to, “shove her facebook group… up her backside.” Lindsay asks Zero if he wants to talk to Kendra; Zero says he didn’t even know what was going on and said no. “I had never heard of her before and neither had Lindsay,” confused face- didn’t you just say Lindsay hacked her Facebook account. I believe the lady is now intimately acquainted with her. Anyhow, Lindsay and Kendra start an adult, “text and phone calling war. All day long. All night. Even messages early in the morning.”

Zero calls Meri and asks if she knows who Kendra is; Meri responds that she’s a friend of the family, a sometimes business partner, and that she likes her quite well. “Immediately I felt like Meri had been hiding this the entire relationship and felt threatened by it.” The fuck? Why? “So I told her we are over with, that her friend Kendra was going to out us and I was going to lose my family, my friends and my businesses.” What an extreme reaction. One wonders whether he is more upset that their relationship is becoming public or that someone is poking around about his identity. Devastated, Meri calls Lindsay crying and asks if she can meet her at a baseball field by her house to discuss what just happened.

It’s a good thing Lindsay met up with Meri in person, because she records Meri’s conversation for the Zero to hear; if they had talked about this on the phone, well, that would have been illegal. The Nevada Supreme Court ruled, in Lane v. Allstate, that an individual must have consent of all parties to record a telephonic communication, even if they are a party of the communication. Yup, a conveniently good thing. Meri cries to Lindsay that she didn’t know what Kendra was up to and that she’d do her best to sort her out. Lapdog Lindsay plays the recording for her master and they delete it.“There is no copy of it anywhere,” the Zero assures us.

Meri calls the Zero and she’s forced to leave a long, groveling message, you know, the usual. She seems really confused and lost by the entire situation, saying, “I understand that and I know you don't think that I'm taking responsibility. I'm not quite sure what the responsibility is, I'm telling you everything that I know about Kendra. I don't even know exactly what is going on. I mean I told you everything I know which is not anything … I don't know how many times I need to tell you obviously quit separating from me. Quit separating from this. Just knock it off. Be frustrated for me, at me for not telling you all the information but I don't know what information I'm supposed to tell you.” Meri, really. It's not your fault.

The Zero considers this their first “real fight,” even though every time these two talk there seems to be an argument. Zero holds Meri responsible for Kendra’s actions because he’s convinced that, by her close relation to the family, Meri was both aware of, and sanctioned them. Lindsay hacks the group again and gained access to Kendra’s email account; now we’ve crossed from a legal grey area into the realm of DEFINITELY ILLEGAL. This can be treated as a misdemeanor or a felony; you can be charged with anything from identity theft to wire or computer fraud. Enjoy your stay in prison.

Probably not a good idea to admit this stuff in a book

Lindsay makes copies of any incriminating messages she can get her hands on and shows them to Meri. They spend an hour going over everything together and Meri is outraged at whatever the hell she found. Meri tells *cough* Robyn *cough* that she needs to get a grip on Kendra’s leash; through her influence any messages in the group containing Zero’s name are deleted. Lindsay continues to threaten Lindsay telling her to, “shut her (fill in the blank) mouth or else.” So, recapping- threats, hacking, clandestine meetings in baseball fields, and recorded private conversations... easily the biggest overreaction to some housewives talking about you in their Facebook group ever. I can't tell if this is Sister Wives or an episode of the Sopranos.

So, it isn’t explained, but I guess Zero is satisfied with the resolution and takes Meri back. Seriously, it was a dumb thing to be angry about- you guys are waving around sparklers next to a powder keg, what did you think would happen. And they’re relieved it’s taken care of? Um, sure, you managed to stamp out one errant spark you created- there’s still going to be an explosion eventually. Zero says the rumor mill is beginning to pick up, “We didn't shut the internet down or anything like that. But a lot of people I have never even talked to before decided I was breaking up a marriage. And they let me know it too.” Good. You were.

Zero’s unhappy with the state of things and, “I was being an ass.” Aren't you usually? For God only knows what reason, “Meri stood strong and decided it was worth continuing the Relationship.” So Meri sets about cleaning out her home and getting ready to move. While she’s sorting she discovers a box of books belonging to Kody and tells him to take them; “She laughed because she said the look on his face was a little of shock.” That guy's marriage is falling apart. Funny. Meri decides she’s done being called Meri Brown and even changes her voicemail message to leave off her last name altogether and Zero notes that it was, “Very sweet of her to be considerate of my feelings.” It definitely is, for the whole fraction of a second before you read, “I had said it was weird listening to her voicemail message as Brown,” and you realize he pretty much told her to change it.

It's a fairy tale relationship

 

Her home is move out ready by the end of June; she starts plotting how she can extricate Kody from her financial situation. The mortgage and some smaller bills are in both Meri and Kody’s names, as well as a checking account that is mainly for Meri’s personal use. Meri acts somewhat shady; she heads down to the bank to see what can be done and she is informed that Kody would have to sign off on the account to remove him. She gets pretty much the same story from the mortgage company; worse, once Kody is removed from the loan she would have to refinance the house entirely if the balance couldn’t be paid at that point. Her finances seem a little bleak, which makes me think it's possible that a lot of the friction in June stems from the fact that Meri's turned out to have much less to her name than Zero had calculated.

Zero offers to pay off her house and sell it to her daughter for $1, which is a stupid idea because what is a college student supposed to do with a half-million dollar property? How is she going to cover the taxes, the upkeep, and the eventual capital gain she'll probably have pay on it. Meri just says they might have to consider it. While they’re mulling that over, Zero buys the house he was eyeing for Meri. He also supposedly bought her a new car and leaves it in the garage. “I also went down to Chase bank and opened up a new checking account. I put it in my name, then I transferred $50,000 into it.” I have no idea how an account in his name helps Meri- does she have access to it? Is she supposed to withdraw funds from her account and put them into the new one? Strange.

They plan for Meri to move in, let the dust settle, date awhile and pack up to move to Chicago by Thanksgiving. This confuses me and just makes their plan seem even more illogical. Why buy a house if you're just going to live there for four months, an apartment would be a better option. Meri feels, illogically, that Kody’s going to be just fine with this plan, “She felt that their friendship part of their marriage would make him realize that she wanted something different for her life and that it's okay.” Not surprisingly, Zero, who feels that Kody is Satan incarnate, is going to be a “giant ass” and cause problems for them because of the embarrassment it’s going to cause him.

We'll close here. Up next- half a dozen more arguments and an impromptu vacation. Don't miss it... kind of with I could...

-Kate