Chapter 7, August can't do this anymore

Recap:

Hello book clubbers. Last chapter we got to experience a lovely assortment of bullshit; we saw Zero rehab the foot he never told us he broke in the first place, witnessed him act as a self-help guru to facilitate the scripted reconciliation between Meri and Janelle, and we got to watch it all crash and burn for the fourth or fifth time when Meri found out, unexpectedly, that she'd be filming a ten day vacation and the couple broke up. The banana also made an appearance and we got to hear about both how that got the Zero all hot and bothered, and how super sorry he was for ever making it public knowledge. Wink.

Chapter 7:

We’re now in August; spoiler alert: it’s the last month of our favorite couple’s relationship. Oddly, it’s one of the shorter chapters in the book; there’s really very little substance here, but on we press. The 1^st is the day before Meri’s ten day trip to Alaska; they meet up to say their farewells and, of course, have sex. Zero laments, “this was our first huge break from each other,” despite the fact that he's always traveling and we rarely hear about them physically seeing one another, but whatever, it's a huge deal that they're apart.

Suddenly he’s a supportive boyfriend and tells her that she doesn’t have to contact him much, “I just wanted her to have fun.” Alright, where was this guy last chapter. With Zero’s parting benediction, Meri is off to the airport and Zero is off to church. Whenever Zero would travel, Meri had a nauseating tradition of texting him 100 times and leaving dozens of voicemails while he was in flight, so that when he landed his phone would practically explode from having to deliver so many notifications at once. Zero decides to do the same for her; we get ten full pages of screenshots. Ten. Apparently, the author was just like- yeah screw this, I’m done writing, and now we get the privilege of sifting through this garbage. They’re all terrible messages- someone wishes someone happy anniversary, it barely matters who, there’s the whole I love you/I love you more back and forth, an I miss you/I miss you more exchange, and Meri talks about getting a rental car. The only thing mildly interesting from the entire thing was when Meri told Zero she wrote him a letter on the plane (wasn't anyone sitting next to her to see this?) and he tells her, instead of, I don’t know, mailing it or hand delivering it, to record herself reading it. Because, yeah that's cute and all, but he's going to need more compelling evidence to sell to tabloids.

What should have been Meri's reaction, but totally wasn't

Meri’s trip must have been making Zero feel like less of a special, important snowflake because suddenly he has a business trip scheduled and is traveling too. Which just makes the melt down he had when Meri told him she’d be traveling seem even more shitty and controlling; really why would you care where she went if you were going to be out of state anyhow. He’s off to, “[the] Nebraska office, Chicago office, New York city for a quick meeting, then on to Miami Beach, Florida. All in a week.” He’s accompanied by a young protégé named Mark and his best friend forever/pseudo investment partner Lindsay, who is only coming because, “I promised to take her shopping if she would show Mark how we scout buildings and businesses out.” Seriously guy, you are the boss- learn how to crack the whip. When your underlings don't meet your expectations you don't bribe them or fill out a worksheet. Anyhow, the time difference between Meri and Zero is about 4 hours while they’re on their respective trips, so talk time is difficult to schedule.

The Browns have arrived in Alaska and quickly get settled into their two rental homes- one is quite large and the other is much smaller and a few minutes away. The other three wives and the younger children stay at the bigger rental while Meri takes the elder Brown children and some of the “helper adults,” no idea who they are, to stay in the smaller one. Kody stays in the house with the other wives; apparently things had gotten so frigid for the couple that, “she said there was no discussion with him at all about coming to stay with her at the other house during the trip.”

She has a room to herself, with some of her bonus children situated next to her; she’s relatively free to talk to her beloved Zero at her leisure, with the only caveat of having to speak a little more quietly. Meri would take walks early in the morning and call Zero, who would be at lunch on the east coast, and they’d talk for about an hour; at night she’d call for a quick check in, but was usually too exhausted from the action packed filming, scheduled by TLC, to talk for much longer. Zero seems pleased as punch to note that once, while on the phone during the trip, Kody approached Meri to talk about something mundane and Meri told Zero, I love you, before hanging up. Kody looked suspicious and confused but didn’t ask any follow up questions. Zero says he couldn’t believe she did it but Meri just responds that, “He had no idea who I was talking to.” Thank you, that’s what I said before. It’s definitely ballsy but it’s not that huge of a deal. “Who was that Mare?” “Oh, that was grandma.” As long as he doesn’t grab the phone to verify, it’s pretty much mischief managed.

Zero says they were in the habit of talking only about themselves, not the Brown family, which is an understandable way to isolate your victim; as such, they didn’t talk much about the details of her trip while she was there. He says pointedly, “I didn't ask. It wasn't something I wanted to know about.” Huh, okay. Way to be supportive and involved in your girlfriend’s life. Meri probably doesn't want to hear about all your beach volley ball frolicking with Mark on your business trip, but she still asks, because she cares. Not only does he not care about her day to day life, but he also remarks that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her career on television either, “I never got caught up in the fact that she is on tv. I didn't care. It's not something I understand so I wouldn't ask her things … It didn't interest me. She interested me. That's all I focused on.” So family is out, vacations are out, work is out... what aspect of Meri is actually left to focus on.

Zero and Mark playing beach volleyball- visual approximation

Since this trip is slated to be the content for the final episodes of the show’s season, Meri has another conversation with the producer about laying the groundwork for leaving the show. Zero says that Meri had already broached the issue with the family, “everyone knew she wanted to leave, but no one knew it was because of me,” but she still hadn’t dropped any hints on camera. They decide to schedule a dinner for all of the adults with the intent of Meri dropping the bomb randomly while they’re all making polite dinner conversation. Seriously, if I remember that episode correctly, one of the adults remarks that it’s been a fabulous trip and they’re so glad they’re all together and Meri is like, “Yeah it was great… but let’s never do it again, ever. Really, never. I want out.” Delicious televised awkwardness. Meri tries to explain to the family what’s going on with her but manages to be pretty vague, saying, “she wasn't happy and they knew that. She said she told them maybe she wanted to go do something else.” Kody sits there dumbfounded and *cough* Robyn *cough* pretty much cackles with glee and offers to pack Meri's bags for her. Even though it went okay, Meri seems pretty shaken by the conversation and she warns Zero that, “I really needed to be sweet to her over the next few days. She was leaving everything for me.” Good luck there. “So I was,” I'm so sure.

Meri returned home to Vegas and the couple is, “madly in love all over again.” Zero finds out that, on the night of August 16^th, Mercury would be visible in the night sky and he directs Meri out to the backyard while they’re on the phone together. Apparently, seeing Mercury is actually sort of a big deal; I didn’t know that until I wrote this review. I guess its close proximity to the sun makes it nearly impossible to see; it’s a teensy speck that’s occasionally visible immediately after sunset or sunrise. Even Johannes Kepler, father of the laws of planetary motion, never managed to catch a glimpse of it in his lifetime. Sorry, drifting to more interesting topics again. Meri lies in the grass while the Zero tells her about the different constellations and answers her questions. Zero says he finds that, “the sky at night is the most romantic.” I agree. It is. So, why aren’t you out enjoying it with your girlfriend who lives 5 blocks away? Apparently the lack of physical closeness is so commonplace for the two, understatement, that he doesn’t even offer any excuse for this occasion. Oh no, the end is nigh, “It was the last night we would ever share completely and totally in love."

When Zero awoke the next morning, “Meri had completely changed.” Meri, say it ain't so. He doesn’t say it explicitly, but it sounds like she left him a message saying that they needed to talk.  Though he has little reason to be, after their blissfully happy night together on the phone, Zero is immediately suspicious, “I didn’t like her tone or where this was heading.” Zero claims that Meri insists he take “time to figure out what [he] really wanted” and that she said she loved him and, “had done everything for both of us that she could and really wanted to be with me.” Meri, you silly girl, he wants you, and your skin. That's definitely clear.

Whaddya say, Mare, ready to commit?

She reiterates that they need to talk and Zero says flatly, “I refused. I did not understand at all.” The hell? Why would you refuse this? The love of your life, about whom you're really serious, wants to talk to you; you're confused but that confusion could be cleared up through communication. Talk to the woman. They eventually talk on the phone and Meri, though she requested the call and would logically have a lot to say to him, refuses to answer his questions about what had happened. “She wouldn't tell me. She refused to explain this to me,” moans the Zero and he insists that she will only say that he needs to figure things out and they’ll talk later. He’s broadsided by this and the couple doesn’t speak at all until August 23^rd. It doesn't make sense for Zero to let this much time pass without trying to reach a resolution.

They resume talking and texting on that date, and Zero randomly announces that he got a new Las Vegas phone number because, “this time I was staying permanently there.” Which I’m really confused by, since the couple planned to stay there, temporarily, until they left for Chicago in November. “I made all of my arrangements for my life and got everything moved to my Las Vegas house and office. I was staying,” so either he plans really poorly for the future or he’s already written Meri off as a loss, take your pick. Meri’s behavior is still markedly different on the phone and she insists upon meeting up with Zero to talk things over. “I refused.” WHY? Why would any logical person refuse this? Zero says he wants to talk about what’s going on, I guess without meeting, and what happened but Meri, “wouldn’t soften up.” Good Meri, stick to your guns- he's acting sketchy. Zero’s in emo kid hysterics over the situation, “I cried the entire week away from her. We went from completely over the moon in love to absolutely cold hearted no love the next morning.” Yeah well, you're in luck, she wants to see you- run to her you, idiot. You bragged about having the code to her gated cul-de-sac a couple chapters ago, go stand in her lawn, hold a boombox over your head, and crank up the Peter Gabriel. 

He’s completely at a loss and allows another week to pass by without contact. On the 30^th he finally calls her and the two agree to meet at Tropical Smoothie, I can't even read that without sniggering, on September 7^th at 6 p.m. Tropical Smoothie. I don't know even what it is that makes it sound so ridiculous to me. How different of a movie would Casablanca have been if Bogie had gone to bid Ingrid Bergman farewell at a Tropical Smoothie. They actually talk on the phone that evening and Zero begs her to explain what is going on, “Why couldn't I talk to her? Why couldn't I contact her? … Why wouldn't she let me talk to her anymore? What had changed?” So... Meri's asked Zero to stop contacting her. Amazing how that little detail slipped his mind when he was telling us what happened weeks ago. Meri just says I love you and stays firm, she’ll see him at Tropical Smoothie. Zero gets weepy again, “I cried nonstop. I tried to work but I wasn't doing a very good job. I was just going through the motions."

Zero having a little work cry- visual approximation

September 7^th arrives and Zero shows up five minutes before the appointed time. He waits, though he doesn’t say for how long, and Meri never arrives. “I sent out a tweet to nobody in particular that said at least I tried. And that was it. My heart was broken.” Kids today. Something horrible happened to me and I urgently need to do something adult to fix it, I know, I'll tweet about it.

“What the heck happened to us?” Yeah, no really. What happened Zero? I had to go back and make sure I hadn’t inadvertently missed a page that would make any of this understandable. Breaking it down, Zero would like us to believe that Meri went to bed in love and woke up crazy. Really, she would have to be to be able to swallow this. 'You need to take time to figure out what you want' is an ultimatum women give their unemployed boyfriend, who has been squatting on their couch for the past seven years, and looks like he’s going to be physically ill whenever the subject of marriage comes up. Meri is on the opposite side of the coin; her millionaire boyfriend has suffocated her since day one, has agreed to marry her and have babies, and has bought her a house and car. It’s immensely clear what the Zero has in mind; there’s nothing to figure out. Rationally, Meri wouldn't be making such a demand.

Something very specific happened for Meri to wake up and say this. Though Zero tries not to say so, and glosses over the fact, but it was significant enough for Meri to tell him not to speak to her anymore. Something made her angry, doubtful or disgusted enough, maybe even all three, for her to cut off all communication until they met in person to resolve the issue. Hell, she didn’t even care if it took months for the meeting to take place; she was that adamant about no contact. That’s heavy. Zero’s testimony of, “By gosh, by golly, I just have idea, even today, why it ended,” is absolute bullshit; this book club has had enough of it to last this lifetime.

Angry mob is angry

On the other hand we have Meri’s testimony- that she fell in love with a man, who ended up to be the fictional creation of a female catfish, found out about it, and immediately broke off contact. Well, even the Zero’s bullshit testimony with its’ massaged and omitted facts supports this perfectly. After a lovely evening, Meri was tipped off that her long distance lover was actually a female. She’s horrified and even though it sounds crazy to her, she’s had doubts about his larger than life personality and lavish lifestyle before; this is the final straw. Not wanting to let the love of her life go without finding out the truth, she calls him and insists on a meeting; it’s the only thing that can lay the issue to rest and set her mind at ease. He’s evasive, plays the victim, and appeals to her emotions but this only heightens her sense of alarm; she demands they meet finally, telling him that she would like to be left alone until then. I personally doubt that there was ever an appointment to meet at Tropical Smoothie; if there was, I have a pretty good idea of who didn’t show up.

So, I leave it to you- fair jurors of Kate’s courtroom. By preponderance of the evidence, which testimony is, more likely than not to be, accurate and truthful? 

See you next time in Chapter 8- where the Zero will cry some more and be helplessly confused about the situation.

-Kate