Chapter 6, Fireworks in July? I’ll show you fireworks

Recap: 
Welcome to yet another meeting of The Bullshit Book Club. Last chapter we met Zero's friends, Lindsay and Kendra, and got to witness a social media slug fest over some things that were said on Facebook. Meri and Zero's pretty careless public dalliance attracted media attention and the first article was published about them. Zero blamed Meri, of course, and broke up with her briefly. Meri announced her intentions to leave the family, at the sister wives' weekly therapy session, and planned to move into the house Zero "purchased" for her. Zero asked Meri to accompany to France for business, and then smashed her hopes and dreams by taking her to Utah instead. They returned from their excursion more in love than ever, only to nearly break up again two sentences later... can't wait to see what mind fucks are in store this chapter.

Chapter 6:
We open in July, “We made it 5 months now.” Nope, it’s four months. March – July, definitely four. Counting is hard. On Independence Day the Brown clan left for St. George, Utah, which the Zero identifies as *cough* Robyn’s *cough* “area.” Meri stayed behind, presumably because her detachment from the family had reached critical levels. The two spent the holiday together and Meri wanted to see some fireworks so, “we had sex that night and I showed her some of my own fireworks.” Egotistical. Gross. Anyhow, Zero thinks that their relationship is back to normal.

Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”

Zero states they had become, “greedy for each other,” wanting to spend as much time together as possible. I guess Zero “traveled” a lot in May and June so they didn’t see each other ever, I mean, a lot. For their "5th month anniversary," seriously bro it's four, saying five over and over won't make it happen, Meri calls and leaves the most dispassionate message I’ve ever heard, “Hey. Just wanted to call and tell you I was thinking about you and I don't want to interrupt your work I know you are busy. But I just miss you and love you and feeling greedy for you today. Anyway. I hope you have a fabulous day and I will talk to you as soon as you are able.” There's no mention of an anniversary at all; it's as romantic as any message I've ever left for my husband when I ask him to pick something up on his way home from work. However, Zero thinks it’s the sweetest thing ever and brags that, “That's how it was for us. Even a simple call me back turned into a mushy love message.”

Zero launches into a lengthy passage about how this is the best relationship he’s ever been in. Seriously, his other two relationships must have been a real shit show. As usual he mocks the rival for his beloved’s affections, telling us that he allowed Meri to show him all the love that Kody refused. Apparently whenever Meri would try to be affectionate Kody would tell her, flat out, to knock it off, “He said that it would cause problems.” If I remember correctly from the show, Kody discourages all of his wives from being overly affectionate to him so that it won’t create any sisterwifely jealously; eventually this causes Meri to cease being affectionate in private as well. Since Zero would very much like to be the anti-Kody, she tells Meri, “Stalk me! Cling on me! Who doesn't want a woman loving up all over you all of the time?” He theorizes that, “When you feel something, share it. You will get a great reaction and make someone feel very secure in your love for them.” Everything is an, if I do x then I get y proposition with this guy, I swear. He claims, “It wasn't hard to make her happy. She is so easy to love. She really is.”

We’re back to talking about having children; Meri tells him how devastating it had been for her to miscarry her second child. Meri doesn’t want to have another child through any artificial means, including surrogacy, and says it will be God’s will if he chooses to bless her with another child. Also, she feels she’s done with having any children with Kody but would love a passel of Zero babies. And I really don’t want to be a Debbie downer but Meri’s been told by fertility specialists that natural conception is nearly impossible for her; this is evidenced by 25 years of unprotected marital relations and only one child. Meri is also 45 years old; menopause has to be a few short years away. Someone really needs to help Meri be at peace with the idea that she’s not going to be having any more children, Brown baby or otherwise.

Zero’s not the man to help her be rational though. “I told her I did not want kids. Then I said I'm open to kids. Then I prayed on it and thought why not.” Never mind the fact that 'well I really don't want kids, but I don't have any plans Tuesday night, so sure,' is really terrible justification for having children, it's now established that they would be having them.They plan to, "be married soon. Within a year. That way we could immediately start trying for kids.” He tells her that he’s open to adoption as well; suddenly, “I was open and really had a calling to adopt … I just wanted to adopt.” The hell. Two sentences ago you didn't want children at all and now you have a calling? Call me cynical but isn't a calling something you've had for, oh I don't know, more than five seconds. “She loved the idea and was okay with it." Sure, I LOVE that idea, but you know, maybe, whatever. Makes sense. Zero says Meri’s a terrific mom,  “a great combination of tough but loving,” and that she’s the perfect woman he’s been praying for over the last 10 years. Not one to be out shined, Zero assures us he’s pretty perfect too, “I would spend all day making sure she felt [loved]. It's all about the small things. And that's what I'm the best at.”

 Zero in a nutshell

Zero announces that he broke his foot, despite never mentioning it in the book before, a “few months” prior; “it was mangled.” Wait, what. A few months, so I would assume at least 2, maybe 3 months; that puts this injury back in May at the latest. How does someone, a month into their recovery from heart surgery, break their foot? I doubt it was from doing anything physical. And mangled? Mangled. That’s pretty significant… like mangled in an industrial accident, an incident with farm equipment, what? You’ve been really active in the months prior- how are you taking your mangled foot on business trips, how were you going to go to Paris. None of this makes any sense whatsoever. Suspending my disbelief, Zero’s foot is healed enough to begin rehab with a physical therapist. Meri is apparently a really active walker and she suggests that the Zero join her to help with his rehab process. Despite everything, his foot still doesn’t feel the quite the way it used to; he wonders, “Is there such thing as bone memory? I know muscle memory.” It just feels like a cutesy attempt to distract you from the fact that the entire proceeding paragraph is bullshit.

On July 9^th he receives a “calling from God” to help Meri. Really, “It wasn't planned I woke up with an urge to open her life up to something.” He texts her and tells her he has an activity in mind for them and Meri, who was probably hopeful that it would involve actually meeting face to face for the first time, readily agrees. Zero praises himself for, "never being boring" and tells the audience that he found a worksheet on a web-site run by self-help author Byron Katie. P.S. Byron Katie, if you’re reading this, your work is haphazardly copied and pasted here in what, undoubtedly, violates copyright law. Anyhow, the worksheet has you investigate your feelings towards a person with whom you’ve experienced conflict and asks typically bullshitty self-help questions like, “In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need them to think, say, feel, or do?”

Zero tells us that when Meri found out what the activity was, “She was not happy.” Ha! You totally thought you were finally going to meet him, didn't you? He urges her to fill out the worksheet with *cough* Janelle *cough* in mind and he says he’ll be doing his for his secretary in Oklahoma whom he, “was having trust issues with.” Really? Do you know what every other business tycoon on the planet would do if they were having trust issues with their secretary? Fire them. Fire them, find someone else, and continue to count their millions. I doubt a single one of them would invest the time in filling out some bullshit worksheet. You're the boss pal; you’re running a business, not a feelings factory. Meri decides to be a sport; they fill them out together, tear them up afterwards, and feel all better themselves.

  Better equipped to survive the corporate jungle

Coincidentally, Meri’s producer calls her, that very afternoon she’s completed her worksheet, and tells her it’s time to film the resolution to the discussion she began with *cough* Janelle *cough* way back in March. Meri had told her she would think about whether or not they could begin to work on their fractious relationship together; it was time to give her answer. Meri tells Zero that she’s going to say yes and that, “it was only because of our relationship and how we have pushed each other to be kinder, more loving people that she was going to do it.” He credits God for working through him, not even joking, and I guess it’s nice that he acknowledges someone else for a change. He gets all weirdly judgey though and says, “God woke me up with that in my heart and I want to be with a loving, forgiving woman.” So… was this about helping Meri at all or just about forcing her into a mold you’ve created for your own benefit. Zero tells Meri she needs to hug her sister wife and she balks from the idea. Zero won’t be disobeyed, “I got mad and told her, Meri you have known her longer than him, she's your sister. Your real sister, start treating her like it.” And I don’t know whether this is referring to the fact that *cough* Janelle *cough* is both Meri’s sister wife and sister-in-law twice over, since she was once married to Meri’s brother, and Kody’s father ended up marrying her mother, or what. It’s such a screwed up family, but they’re not real sisters so I’m confused.

In the end, Meri agrees to work on the relationship with her “real sister” and even ends up hugging her and telling her that she loves her. The producer is ecstatic and tells her, “that it was a Christmas present and what a great moment it would be for the show.” Meri says there’s still a lot of work to be done and issues to overcome but she’s pleased nonetheless. Zero is stunned when Meri tells him what happened and calls it, “a beautiful moment of healing.” When Meri thanks him he, uncharacteristically, continues to give God His due saying, “that's God. That's how God works. He uses us for His message and His love.” And if you were somehow won over by his religious modesty, don't worry, he sabotages his efforts completely by ending the paragraph and pointing out that she was wearing a black and white sweater he purchased for her during the scene. He says he was “told” that she wore it frequently throughout the season, “I've seen photos of her in it now and I think she looked great. I don't know what all the fuss is.” Way to taint the moment and remind us that you've marked your territory.

In mid July, "things were so good. We were shameful how much we were in love." They're both excited that filming will be ending soon so that Meri can flee the Brown family compound. She's getting restless and keeps telling Zero that's she's ready to go, that she, "had other dreams." Meri really wants to go to school full-time, work on some unnamed projects, do volunteer work, and spend more quality time with her daughter. When Meri asks if they can take some trips with Mariah in the future and Zero responds that, "we better, how else will she see how cool I am when I'm her stepdad." While I'm cringing from the second hand embarrassment Mariah must be feeling, she should take heart- these ladies have really dodged a huge bullet here.

Meri's stomach issues are back, even though Zero sort of suggested they were taken care of back in May. On July 14th she went in for a "medical procedure" that the Zero doesn't name but, after a quick consult with Google, was probably a stomach biopsy. Ouch. *Cough* Christine *cough* drives Meri to her appointment and the Zero amuses her on the way by telling lame, bad jokes, like he knows any other kind, over the phone. When Meri hangs up she says "I love you" in front of her sister wife and Zero thinks it's a huge deal, even though she could have been like 'Oh that was my grandmother on the phone,' if there had been any questions about it. Meri goes home to recuperate and *cough* Christine *cough* dispatches one of her children, every hour, on the hour, to Meri's McMansion to see if she needed anything. Having a fleet of children to do your bidding is probably the best, and only, selling point of polygamy. Meri's test results come back and, we knew this already, it's Helicobacter Pylori; all she has to do is take some pills and the ordeal is over with. Hopefully, this is actually the last time we hear about it.

Stomach bacteria- the sequel

As with every other point in the relationship, whenever things seem to be going pretty well for Meri and Zero a huge shit storm is sure to follow. July was no exception; “The middle of July is when things went from incredibly happy to we are not going to make it.” Good grief, what fresh mole hill are we going to transform into a mountain now. The fallout from the Josh Duggar cheating/pornography addiction scandal had hit a fever pitch; TLC was forced to pull 19 Kids and Counting from their lineup. Presumably in an effort to help fill the programming gap, the network approached the Browns and offered them an all expenses paid vacation, to any location of their choosing to extend the filming season. The Browns undoubtedly made some cash register Ka-Ching noises and eventually selected Alaska as their vacation destination. When Meri tells Zero of their plans he is furious and tough “I was not angry at her. I was angry at the show being extended;” as usual, Meri takes the brunt of his fury. “I blew up … It was never ending with these tv people. They were always asking for more and more. We I said some very mean things to her … I told her it was over with.” This is the second or third time they've broken up in only four months, but hey, who's counting.

Zero and Meri duke it out on the phone for “6 hours.” Zero’s angry that, with the time difference, they won’t be able to call each other as much and that Kody might end up sleeping in her bed on the trip; above all, he just comes off as a jealous control freak. Meri pleads that this is a once in a lifetime trip, considering all the Brown children will be going, and that she really would like to see Alaska. She assures Zero that she’ll work out all of the small details he’s uncomfortable with but Zero, “was a complete ass to her for a few days and then I got over myself. I admit I was not very kind.” Meri, tell me you're paying attention here- he's being a controlling abusive freak over a trip, your entire life is going to be hell  if you stay with him. He finally gives in and tells her to “just go,” with the same intonation and subtext a woman uses when she says, “just go,” and they have some make up sex. Zero takes the opportunity to pride the both of them on their excellent communication skills, “We had no problems talking things out …That's how we made it through her telling me about the Alaska trip.” Your mate taking a freaking week long vacation is not something you have to "make it through." This is just so unhealthy I can't even.

Even though Zero assures us everything is fine between him and Meri, this marks a point where the relationship seems five seconds from, if not already, over for the rest of the book. At the end of July the couple stops following each other on Twitter because of the number of articles coming out about Meri’s affair; as soon as this happens Zero claims people started saying he was a “catfisher.” Zero acts charmingly befuddled about the definition of the word for a few seconds before deciding, “I knew damn well that wasn't me. I had been with Meri and it wasn't an issue.” Of course you have. He brushes the idea off quickly; he’s mainly just obsessed with the Twitter issue, “I didn't like it at all. Because I missed seeing our special messages but she was right.” And despite Meri being right, he still begs her to add him back “a few times,” but Meri says it’s too risky and that’s the end of a four month Twitter relationship. Sorry Twitter love, I guess I was wrong back in Chapter 5.

Start getting excited people, “On July 29th the famous banana made its appearance.” That morning, while Meri was fetching a little snack in her kitchen, the couple was talking about “a sexual experience a woman can do for a man,” while texting each other. Meri coyly remarks on the length she finds appropriate for a banana, and flirtatiously fishes for measurements of the Zero’s member. Things you'd totally say if you've seen your boyfriend's penis, right. Zero says defensively, “I'm not going to write how big my penis is because it got answered in her text message, so figure that out. Of course she had seen it.” A screen cap of the text is provided on the next page; funnily enough, it doesn’t prove anything the Zero just says it did. Meri says a foot would be a good length, which is, statistically, not what experienced women want at all and, while good in theory, just ends up hurting like hell in practice. There was actually a study done in the UK where women were presented with different penis shaped “models” and asked to select their ideal size; overwhelmingly, women selected models that were only about 6.5 inches in length. The more you know. Anyhow, in response to Meri’s almost absurd length fantasy Zero simply says, “I mean if that’s what it takes I guess I could do that for you,” which is just hardly a confirmation of size. Meri says, “I thought you said yours was pretty long,” subtext, I've only heard about your penis size from you- I have absolutely zero personal knowledge on that account.

Sadly sexier than anything in this book

Meri then sends him her banana photo, “That is her with the banana in her mouth … It's real. And it's her. It drove me crazy.” He says that they’ve been having sex two to three times a week and that she knew this photo would rev his engines. Mmm, so... sexy, yes. “I looked at it about 100 times at least that day. Very, very sexy. I loved it.” He hints that she sent him a lot of sexy photos over the course of the relationship and insists, “I did not ask for them … I did not force her to.” Which is the sort of weird, unsolicited assertion someone makes when they're trying to save their own skin. He sent her photos too because, “It's kind of what you do nowadays when you are dating,” but states he refuses to include any in the book. I guess he figures he's already thrown Meri under the bus, forcing her to take one for the team, why should he have to suffer any embarrassment too. He describes himself as more blunt than flirty when it comes to matters in the bedroom and that the fact drove Meri wild, “she loved how much control I had over her in the bedroom. I told her she could tell me what to do anywhere but the bedroom. In there, I'm in charge." Zero is Christian Grey in the bedroom, and now you know.

He takes some time to point out subtly that the banana photo made Meri a crappy person because, “The reason why this was such a big deal on the internet because this was the morning of her daughter's birthday. And her mom was talking to me like that … it's absolutely unheard of for a polygamist woman to be acting like that." This little revelation seems completely unnecessary and petty; it's probably equally hurtful to both Meri and Mariah. Seriously ladies, to repeat myself, huge bullet dodged. This guy could have been real and you'd be stuck with stepdaddy dearest. In retrospect, Zero feels guilty about posting the photo to his blog in the first place, “No matter if it's true or not I never should have shared it. I do feel bad about it now.” Which is absolutely just hollow bullshit, because not only is the thing still available on his blog, but he’s also doubled down by including it again in the book. 

Feels bad... oh wells 

 

On July 30^th Meri is getting her things together for her trip and Zero, while he told her to go, is whining and doing his best to make her feel awful about her decision. She hints that she really won’t be able to call him much since they’ll be filming non-stop; she says they have to film this way to be able to pull 48 minutes of material from a 2 week period. I always knew these people were boring and this absolutely confirms it. Meri says she’ll do the best she can to keep I touch; Zero ups the ante by moodily suggesting she not call at all. No doubt completely numb to the antics of the sulking Zero by now, Meri simply tells him, “she would work it all out and to quit whining.”

So ends July. Zero says it was, "very sexual and it was our naughtiest month together." It sort of was; personally I could stand about 90% less sexual detail in the next chapter.  "Little did I know by the end of August we would break up. It makes me cry right now even typing that. Let me tell you what happened." Hopefully the Zero will be done crying into his designer pillows when we return in August.

-Kate