Chapter 1, Page 2

Onto page 2! Hopefully with the "prologue that wasn’t" out of the way we can get into the juicy details everyone has been waiting for.

“Everyone seems to think that I met Meri on Twitter in March of 2015. That’s not true.” Uh, I didn’t think that, mainly because I know very little about this whole sordid tale, but still. Clearly everyone didn’t think that…  “That’s not true. We had met a lot sooner than that and had a few casual conversations. Nothing serious.” Yeah everyone, they met “a lot sooner.” Still on Twitter, maybe you got that part right, but sooner damnit! Ha.

The Zero then proceeds to do some really interesting linguistic gymnastics to explain that he knew who Meri was, but definitely not on some creepy stalker level, before talking to her. The Zero saw two seasons of the show; the show is currently in season 6, so see, he’s barely seen anything. “I was familiar with the basic concept but wouldn’t consider myself a fan.” See, he’s just got a vague grasp on the situation- makes sense, I could believe this. 

He should have ended his diatribe there because then my bullshit meter starts going off. “I recorded most of the episodes and on my off weekends when I had time to get stuff off of my DVR, I would sit down for a tv binge.” Most of the episodes? When I set up a recording on my DVR the options are something like ‘record all episodes’ or ‘record new run episodes.’ My DVR doesn’t have a ‘Hey, record most of the episodes’ setting. And if, for some reason, you manually recorded individual episodes every week as the mood struck you well, then you are a super fan, because setting up a recording for anything is a pain in the ass.

Also on my bullshit meter, “I didn’t know everyone’s names, didn’t know they had lived outside of Las Vegas and wasn’t really sure how many kids there were.” Uh, bullshit. I’ll let the name thing slide since there are so many of them and they're all yoonique spellings but I’m not willing to believe you don’t know how many of them there are. Someway, somehow on every single damn episode, one of the Brown adults will enumerate to some unsuspecting passerby unlucky enough to come into contact with his brood (florist, bemused hiking Eskimo, cake baker, Non-English speaking artist) just how many wives Kody has and the current tally of Brown offspring. It is absolutely impossible not to know. 

Bag his groceries? You're going to hear about it

“I admit I thought Meri was the most beautiful one of the wives.” This made me pause to do a quick mental game of Fuck, Marry, Kill Polygamy Edition (Fuck, Marry, Marry, Kill if you’re curious) to see if I agreed before moving on; I did not. But really, if you’ve formed this sort of opinion while watching to show, you could probably be classified as a fan.

Apparently, the Zero came to Meri’s rescue publically on March 1, 2015. It was the evening of a particularly revealing Sister Wives episode in which details of Meri’s legal divorce from her husband were being featured on the show and she was receiving some typical social media flack. “She said in that time she had been harassed online, made fun of, tormented, and been called a lot of things. All while keeping quiet.” This made me feel badly for Meri. People suck; I’m not even sure how her conduct, at that moment, would have prompted harsh criticism. 

Meri was engaging in some live Tweeting with her fans and the Zero took the opportunity to respond to things and joke around. See, this is another indicator that you are a freaking fan. Just admit it. When you try to engage the stars of a show you watch anywhere, you’re a fan. Accept it. 

“I was joking around. I thought it was asinine for people who didn’t even know her to get so upset over things that don’t even concern them.” Kay. It’s a two way street. You don’t know her either and you felt strongly enough to act but, oh whatever, moving on.

“She began to comment back to the jokes or things I had been saying. We spent all night going back and forth. And at the end of the evening she added me on her Twitter. I didn’t even realize it until the next day. After she added me she sent me a couple of private messages, which became our early way to communicate with each other, called Direct Messages. I replied back a few times. I thought to myself, well that was cool and went to bed.” At this point I had to stare at my browser URL to make sure I hadn’t actually tabbed over to my 18 year old sister’s blog. How old is this guy? –checks- 42? Seriously? 

 

Things a 42 year old and my teen sister have in common  

“As far as I was concerned that was it. That would be the extent of our communication. I didn’t realize the next morning she would continue to contact me. She wished me a happy birthday, it was my 42nd birthday that day.”

More bullshit. Total bullshit and Auntie Kate is going to tell you why. I had a really weird long friendship with a gal that I was convinced was some sort of sociopath; when it was over I picked up a book called The Sociopath Next Door. It totally opened my eyes to this sort of behavior. A Sociopath is able to succeed by relying on, and manipulating, the reactions of good people. For instance, a sociopath can usually say or do whatever they want because a good person will either dismiss it or internalize it- i.e. “Well I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way” or “I’m sure they only did that because of me.” Now a sociopath knows full well that a good person is obligated to behave a certain way on a Birthday- they’re sort of bound to be nice and shower you with some extra attention. You can bet full well this douche bag anticipated the contact on his “Birthday.”

 Teachings from the school of Catfish

“I didn’t get back to her until I was home from work that night. She had messaged me a few more times. I finally got time to sit down and read them. I started answering her comments. All of this was in private D.M. but are now posted on my blog.” Mmm, sort of bullshitty, sort of sounds like the Zero is trying to pin the relationship all on Meri’s eagerness but whatever. Blog? Again, you’re clearly catering to a specific audience that knows what the devil you’re talking about. What a gentleman to post private things like that.

They start talking about life and personal stuff and joking around, because, if you haven’t grasped this, humor is THE most important thing to the Zero, despite the fact that I really haven’t seen much that’s been all that funny in this writing. Meri asks about his lack of girlfriend and, wait for it, try to guess… he had just gotten out of a bad relationship months before. Standby cliché of the century.

“I even asked her advice on women, what their real wants and needs are in life. What about happiness and how to balance everything.” Seriously? This guy is 42? You haven’t figured that out? And you’re clueless to the point that you have to ask a reality star on Twitter? Kay.

It’s still the day of the Zero’s birthday and his engrossing conversation with Meri causes him to lose all track of time. “I was supposed to meet my best friend Lindsay and a few of my friends at a restaurant that night to celebrate my birthday. She called and texted and I ignored it. I finally sent her a text and said I’m not coming, sorry.” 

Okay. This makes you a serious asshole. There’s no excusing this. People took time out of their day, drove somewhere, probably bought you gifts and waited around for your ass all while you were sitting on Twitter. They were doing something nice for you and you couldn’t even answer your phone to tell them you weren’t in an accident or something? Then you just say “Ha fuck you, not coming.” Ass.

And just in case you were still making excuses for the Zero, he goes on to say his text pissed his friend off and she responded that she’d throw his cake at his doorstep. He opines, “She likes to kid around a lot.” You know who says that? A narcissistic ass. 'Oh look at her, with her cute feelings. She couldn’t possibly have a genuine gripe with me. I’m perfect.'

 Calls it like I sees it

So the Zero and Meri keep talking and as the conversation draws to a close he drops the suggestion that she should call him. He tells her goodnight and gives her his phone number; she subsequently calls him 10 minutes later.

At this point there’s still been no dialogue in this book. Literally not a single set of quotation marks. It’s a strange decision not to have your characters perform any speaking and just give you a recap of conversations instead. It’s making for insanely boring reading. For example, they had a perfect opportunity with what could have been a cute first quote for a more concrete relationship between the two of them. “Ten minutes later at 2:31am she called me. The very first thing I said to her was Look at you calling a complete stranger off of twitter.”

That’s terrible. Really awful. Proposed edit:

I suggested she call me to wish me a happy birthday before bidding her goodnight and giving her my phone number. Not ten minutes later, before my head could even hit the pillow, my screen illuminated and an unfamiliar number appeared. My mind raced with possibilities. Surely it couldn’t be and yet, I quickly eliminated the idea that this was mere coincidence. 

Rare courage seized me and I answered, “Look at you calling a complete stranger off of twitter.”

Didn’t that make it so much better and entertaining? Characters were developed. Was it even good? Balls no, but it took me 5 seconds and you think an “author” could devote similar time to their work.

So they talk briefly, and of course it’s funny. He then asks her why she had to be married, you know, without any quotations or dialogue. She gasps and apparently told him later it was so romantic of him to say that. Personally, I find it a dick thing to say to a married person. The Zero said on the last page he liked women who “make me a better person,” or some horse shit. Really? This is how they inspire you to be a better person? Gosh, this lady is so nice- I think I’ll repay her by trying to get her to sacrifice her values and leave her husband. Right.

The next day Meri, according to the Zero, begins to stalk him hardcore. She texts him all day long while he’s at work; I couldn’t tell you what he does for a living because the author hates exposition. Somehow during the course of the day they manage to talk “more” and “about an hour each time.” Which really, seems like a long time to talk on the phone, especially when you have some sort of “work” to do. Maybe it’s a generational thing though- I do nothing on my phone but text.

 Applies to 42 year old "men" too

They’re flirty. Blah, blah, blah and the Zero thinks something is blossoming. “I thought she would make an excellent new friend. Someone that is so far away from my religious beliefs, that she would be very good to learn from.” I honestly can’t even with this. I don’t even know how to relate to someone who views people with such an opportunistic mindset. Hey it’s nice to meet you, if all else fails I could use you for scientific study. Nope. Don’t get it.

The Zero concludes this page by talking about his love of theology and reading. You know, because he’s such an special snowflake and no one else could possibly like those things. He even reads at night when he has insomnia! One in a million.

Impressed Willy Wonka

Closing Thoughts:

That was a really long one; it’s stunning that so much snark can be gleaned from just one page! I’m really starting to dislike the Zero; there’s so many icky things about his personality when you bother to look a little deeper than the superficial details the author chooses to provide.

-Kate