Recap:
In the first six pages of Chapter
One, we were introduced to the Zero, a super Catholic ex-Boy Scout from
Nebraska/Texas with a troubled childhood and a predilection for dating the
physically or mentally ill. He’s a 42 year old business tycoon who enjoys
spending his free time at the gym, contemplating why everyone’s marriages are
failing, and lecturing others on the ideal way to raise their children.
Shockingly, this dream boat is often single; he found himself in a whirlwind
romance with a polygamist reality star, that he was totally not stalking, whom
he met on Twitter. We also learned that he is obsessed with humor and does a
mean stand up set with jokes ranging from determining which direction is left
to how stupid your sister is.
Chapter One Continued:
The cover we’ve grown to know and love
is now gone in the final version of Almost
Meri’ed; in its’ place is a black and white image of Noah Wyle staring
wistfully at the red and white title. I’m not even saying that sarcastically -
it’s seriously Noah Wyle, circa his ER days, in his Doctor’s coat and tie.
Weird. The Copyright page credits H.E. Chilton for this cover art, though that
seems like a smack in the face to the likes of Picasso to call this “art.” H.E.
Chilton, apparently, doesn’t exist according to Google, but maybe he used a
fake name because he didn’t want credit for something so freaking crappy.
NextPress Publishing takes the
dubious honor of producing the work; bizarrely, Google suggests that they
either existed several years ago or never existed at all. Maybe the actual
publishing company decided to pull an H.E. Chilton and not claim any
responsibility for this mess either.
The publisher copied and pasted the
standard legal jargon reserved for works of fiction
about “resembalance(s)” to actual people, events and locales being entirely
coincidental and changed the verbiage to non-fiction.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works, since a non-fiction work
is, by definition, about actual people whose description is both intentional
and factual, but, hey, good luck with your subsequent lawsuits!
The book is dedicated to, “to anyone
that has loved the right person at the wrong time.”
It's going to be a long review
The book begins with a “Foreward,”
some sort of unfortunate grammatical mash up of foreword and forward I guess,
by S. Allred, a former polygamist. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark
that S. Allred either doesn’t exist either or is also pulling an H.E. Chilton- by
failing to provide a first name she can’t be readily identified in internet
search engines. If she does indeed exist then she would be a member of the
Allred family-prolific leaders of a rather large sect of fundamentalist Mormon
polygamists known as the Apostolic United Brethren (AUB). She would actually be
kin to Christine Brown, more than likely a cousin, who was herself an Allred
and granddaughter of the AUB’s late leader, Rulon C. Allred. It seems like a
huge conflict of interest to write the foreword for your cousin’s sister wife’s
lover’s book about his affair with said sister wife but, hey, whatever floats
your boat.
Her story is pretty run of the mill
and nondescript- polygamy was hard; leaving it was harder but she’s healing.
The take away is that love and support is important for those who are facing
similar challenges. Which is all very nice, but has very little to do with a
trashy reality romance; frankly I find its inclusion to be really culturally
tone deaf and sleazy. Trying to class up your affair by appropriating the
cultural struggle of a group, with which you are not affiliated, doesn’t make
the book seem brooding and deep- it just makes you a dick.
For real
Anyhow, we’re back to the conclusion
of the Zero’s stand up set and the Zero declares that he’s not a particularly
smooth guy. Thank you Captain Obvious. He speculates that the reason he’s able
to get women at all is because, “The one thing that a lot of people say about
me, other than my daily devotion to God, is that I'm sweet. And that's what
does it.” You know what would be better than trying to ram the idea that you’re
this angelic being down the reader’s throats by telling them that you’re
amazing every five seconds? Showing them
that you’re amazing. Seriously, tell me some stories, give me some examples-
let me come to the conclusion that you’re a sweet guy on my own.
He describes the only three women
he’s dated in his life as having “blessed his life.” Really? Lisa micromanaged
you to the point of suffocation, you can’t say the second one’s name aloud
without feeling the need to rock in a corner somewhere, and Meri, a married
polygamist, humiliated you with a very
public rejection. “Blessings,” kay. Proof God may hate you.
He then launches into a pretty
nauseating passage modestly
describing his numerous Godlike qualities that he bestows on the fairer sex. “I
do the small things throughout the entire relationship. I never stop trying to
impress and show kindness. I am very compassionate and encouraging. If my lady
is excited, I'm excited. When she has done something she is proud of I cheer
her on. That's who I am. That's who I have always been.” Honestly, can we get this man a trophy? That's what he's looking for right? Why else would he feel a compulsive need to tell me that he's liquid Jesus at every possible turn.
There you go pal
Sweet as he is, he wonders how
someone like him ended up in a relationship with a reality star; he quickly
surmises it’s, “because she wanted it as much as I did.” Whoa. I’ll take things
a rapist would say for 500, Alex. Not cool bro, not cool.
The Zero says he quickly became Meri’s confidante; she
was shouldering a lot of issues stemming from both the show and her marriage
that few in her inner circle knew about. Apparently the pressure of living in
the public eye and having every aspect of her life open to criticism was
proving difficult; the Zero felt her sense of normalcy was gone and that she’d
never get it back, even when the show had ended. Which, yeah, sure, but Meri
Brown isn’t exactly a Kardashian and Sister Wives isn’t a super popular show-
once it’s off the air for a year or two she’s not going to be recognized
anywhere. She’s going to be just fine.
Anyhow, the Zero, a complete stranger off of Twitter,
is all up in Meri’s finances and worries about her security once the show is
over. He calculates that they’ve been living a lifestyle that they would be
unable to support when the TLC money dries up. No kidding, there’s 5 adults and
none of them have real jobs, there’s over a dozen children needing college
educations, and they’re living in 4 McMansions they financed with cutthroat backdoor
mortgages. I imagine they're on a shoe string budget even with the money from the
show.
Meri is a total martyr and, unsurprisingly, abides by
the plyg mantra of “keeping sweet,” a submissive obedience to one’s husband to
produce domestic harmony. She rarely speaks up or defends herself and does what
she can to clean up Kody Brown’s image on the show, ignoring his emotional
outbursts and immaturity. The Zero is stunned to hear this, saying it didn’t
match up with the three episodes of the show he’s watched and has already told
us he barely paid attention to. And I'm not sure what show this dude has been watching, but this pretty much matches up to every second I've ever seen. Kody Brown is always being a complete idiot while one, or more, of the wives grins with vacant dead eyes. Hell, this is a man who can relate on national television, with zero fucks given, how he very nearly didn't marry Christine because he was so disgusted by the way she ate some nachos. No surprise here.
Pretty much
So the Zero, smelling emotional
vulnerability in the wind, tells Meri everything she wants to hear. “Everyday I
told her I thought she was perfect. I told her how beautiful she is and how
much she needs to just be herself with me. I asked her to stay open to me. And
she did.”
They fall in love and the Zero says
it was God’s will, because if it wasn’t that would probably create some religious
ramifications that the Zero, as a perfect being, shouldn’t be bothered to deal
with. Adultery is one of the Ten Commandments friend, there’s no loophole there,
but nice try. The Zero found “unconditional love” and Meri found “… solice and
a way out of her life that she felt stuck in." He feels, "We both got what we wanted out
of our affair.” Like, you both got what you wanted out of the affair… briefly?
Meri’s love proved pretty conditional and, last I checked, she’s still stuck in
the exact same spot she was before, albeit with a lot less solace than she
could have possibly imagined. Way to be short sighted.
He thinks they had a very real
connection and that they were able to move on once the relationship ended
without any animosity. He muses, “If I had no empathy or was filled with anger
I would not be still trying to protect her.” In fact, he cites this as the very
reason he’s writing the book, not as a trashy tell all cash grab or an obvious
attempt at revenge, but an opportunity to give her, “a ticket out of a life
that no longer matches her heart.” Exactly. It's just like when the mama bird yanks the newly hatched baby bird from the nest and starts screaming, 'Fly damn you!' He's just trying to teach Meri to fly.
He begs the reader to love and
support Meri because that’s “all she needs” to escape from her polygamy cage,
you know, the opinions of total strangers who read her lover’s lurid tell all.
The Zero admits that he tried his damnedest to help her but, “I wasn’t good
enough … I wasn’t enough.” Which is quite possibly the understatement of the century- you weren't even a real person.
Despite claiming to be over his
relationship with Meri, he demonstrates in the closing paragraphs, that this is
clearly not the case. “I pray everyday for Meri and her daughter. I even pray
for that family.” He lives with a “once in a lifetime” love in his heart that
is just bursting; he had to immortalize it in print because, “I wanted us to
live on forever. This is the only way that I can make that happen.”
The fuck is wrong with you?
It’s so
obvious that he had to write the book
and asks the reader “How could I not?” Uh, pretty easily if you're a normal person? Maybe
with some intensive therapy, medication or electroshock in your case? I don't know pal. Seek help.
Anyhow, with chapter 1 concluded,
the Zero promises to introduce us all to “… this amazing woman I met.” Cannot
wait.
-Kate
-Kate
You nailed it right down to how great this " zero" is.. How sickening this thing Is.. Cant wait till chapter 2. Keep them coming my friend!
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it right down to how great this " zero" is.. How sickening this thing Is.. Cant wait till chapter 2. Keep them coming my friend!
ReplyDeleteLove the review Kate! Spot on!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, read it 4 times, it deserves another 4 times tomorrow, cant get enough of your wit, youre amazing 😊😊
ReplyDeleteAmazing. Best thing I've read on this topic by far. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteYour reviews are way better than the book! Ofcourse, I didn't buy the book because I knew it would be exactly as you described! A self glorifying snooze fest served with a heaping side of bullshit!
ReplyDeleteThis really is a great review!! Kudos to you & thanks for sharing it..☺
ReplyDeleteThis really is a great review!! Kudos to you & thanks for sharing it..☺
ReplyDeleteYour reviews are great...you write what alot of people are thinking. The only thing this "ebook" proved is that Jackie can turn her ridiculous blog of bullshit into 10 chapters of even bigger bullshit. Truthfully I don't think she was ever planning on producing an "ebook"..it was probably going to be another scam but after collecting whatever money she collected from her preorders she got scared that people were making claims of fraud to the FBI and getting refunds from PayPal. I don't believe a word of this ebook ...I believe that meri had some sort of online relationship with someone she believed to be a man named Sam but I do not believe she was telling him she " loved" him a week into their relationship nor do I believe the had sex or even phone sex. That whole banana thing probably wasn't what Jackie made it look to be. The book proves nothing.. Just more oneside bullshit
ReplyDelete