Chapter 4, May-be it's time to make a move

Recap:

Welcome back to the Book Club! Last time we covered Chapter 3, which was lovely. Meri spent most of the chapter fighting with Kody and she finally kicked him out of the home they share together. The Zero had heart surgery, but recovered remarkably quickly- heading back to work and continuing to rock Meri's sexual world almost immediately. The couple had their first fight after phone sex but decide it was more of a misunderstanding than anything. Zero's looking for a house for Meri so they can move on to the shacking up stage of the relationship already.

Chapter 4:

We’re now moving into May and, honestly, everyday is like Groundhog Day for Meri and the Zero. Meri is still battling it out with Kody, telling him to get his stuff out of their home, while plotting her escape. The Zero is unjustifiably miffed that she won’t simply walk out on her marriage of 25 years for a guy she met on Twitter two months ago; something tells me the background noise of their entire relationship is “Why aren’t you leaving him? When are you leaving him? Why aren’t you leaving him now?”

On their two month anniversary, yes they’re that couple, Meri calls Zero and wishes him a happy one. The Zero claims that he’d been “grumpy” the night before and had been bitching on Twitter like a whiny teenager about the state of their relationship. He laments, “I knew we were at 2 months together. I felt like she was not doing anything we had started talking about in April to get her loose ends tied up.” 

 

Get it in gear Meri

Of course, Zero doesn’t answer his phone when Meri calls and she is forced to grovel before his voicemail inbox, “Baby. I see your tweet and I just want to tell you please don't give up. Okay keep your promise to me. Keep your promise to us. I'm not going anywhere. I'm making steps. Okay. I'm here and I love you. And if you love me and if I love you I think everything will be fine. … Okay? Happy Anniversary today.” And you just want to shake Meri by the shoulders and tell her to screw this guy; a real man wouldn’t be pressuring you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with and throwing immature bitch fests. 

The Zero is impressed by her groveling skills, “She would say all of these wonderful things and I would melt and forget to be mad at her. The love we began with was nothing compared to the love that continued to grow.” Kay. Zero comments that they’re so in tune with one another that it felt like their souls had always knows each other. He asks her how she can have two soul mates, a veiled shot at Kody, and she responds with some tripe about how you can have many and that she considers all her children, as well as Kody, to be soulmates… even though, by definition, that’s totally not what a soul mate is. She sets Zero above them all though, saying, “I was the man of her destiny and she believed that God made me show up into her life the moment she was feeling so unloved and unwanted” God or a pronounced mental disorder, sure.

So they just finished that adorable conversation about how they’ve destined by a divine power to be together forever and they start texting one another and it all goes to shit again. Zero’s ego is soothed, sure, but it occurs to him that he’s still not getting his way- Meri hasn’t left yet and he doubts that she will. So Meri is forced to beg on his voicemail again, “Baby there's no giving up allowed on my watch. Okay? I'm here and I swear I'm taking steps to you. You are what I want. You are what I need. … We both knew this and I don't want to ruin you or ruin me. Your business or my business. And I know that's what we're taking care of with doing things the way that we are.” Does a day go by where this guy is not riding the struggle bus? He sounds like ounces of fun.

So they have another conversation about her leaving and she repeats the same things she’s said 50 times already; seriously, I think I could recite them all without looking by now. She can’t with the show currently filming, she can’t risk jeopardizing the family’s place on the show, and she can’t until she prepares her family- all completely valid reasons for staying where she is.

Zero’s had enough of it and, “I mouthed off a lot.” What a gentleman. She tells him that, “she doesn't throw temper tantrums in front of me because she's afraid I won't love her anymore;” in other words, she doesn’t speak up because she’s completely freaking terrified of his reaction. Irrationally, this makes Zero even angrier and he responds, “don't you dare hold back anything from me. I'm not him.” Meri erupts and starts crying and yelling, telling him about how emotionally scarred she was by her relationship with Kody, and begs for, “more compassion for her situation,” while she tries to get her life in order.

The Zero is strangely pleased by the prostrated side he’s managed to coax out of Meri, “She was crying and yelling. She just exploded on me. And I loved her for it.” Seeing her vulnerability, he starts praising her for letting her emotions flow while simultaneously planting the idea that he is the path to her salvation, “You tell me what you think and feel always. Because I am unconditional love for you. I have never judged you. I am too in love with you to go anywhere.” She starts sobbing intermittently; he starts crying crocodile tears every time she starts up again, “I can't help it. She is the soft part in my heart.” What a total mind fuck.

As if that interaction wasn't creepy enough, the Zero offers a self congratulatory paragraph, “This was the first time she laid everything out there and I didn't leave her. I stood right there and took it and didn't punish her with silence. This is one of the proudest moments of my life.” What is this fuckery? Do you want a cookie?  “It was a beautiful moment. Even if I got yelled at for 20 minutes. One of the best 20 minutes of my life.” The best 20 minutes of your life? We're trying to turn a completely manipulative argument into a beautiful moment? Fuck this piece of shit book.

To hell with it

On May 11th the Zero heads down to an unnamed tattoo parlor to see the best damn tattoo artist on the planet, the only one he’d ever trust to let him work on the fine canvas that is his magnificent body. “Him and I have created some really great looking pieces from my stick figure drawing talent. He always comes back with a much better stencil than I can imagine. And he's worth the money,” and if you’re thinking to yourself, wow that guy sounds amazing, where can I go to get some work done, prepare to be disappointed- Zero won’t tell you his name. Ostensibly, it’s to protect his identity and I nearly took that at face value before I was like hey, wait a minute, it’s just because someone might call the artist and ask about the Zero. There is no zero. That would be bad for the Zero. Almost didn’t catch it; that’s how much this book can screw with your head.

The Zero tells us that he has 15 tattoos, which I guess are worked into one solid back piece. It sounds like a bunch of smaller tattoos are worked around a gigantic cross, because, Catholic. His son’s name and due date, the one he’s mentioned offhandedly in one lousy sentence so far, is also there; tonight he’s adding a tiger to the mix, because, manly. Can he even get a tattoo at this point? He just had his heart surgery a month ago; seems like a dick thing to put your body through after it was kind enough to work so hard and heal after something major. Isn't the risk of infection totally not worth it in your weakened state? Anyhow, he starts blathering about how no one would ever guess he’s a tattoo guy, how his family doesn’t know, and how he loves tattoo art; because he’s a special snowflake and thinks this sort of thing makes him interesting.

 Fact: tattoos make you brooding and deep

May 12^th Robyn goes to see The Age of Adaline with *cough* Robyn *cough* and Zero rambles about how terrifically romantic Meri is, “I love that romantic part of her. She was always so open about her ideas of love and how she liked the history of love stories.” Meri’s favorite movie is Serendipity so the Zero buys it on dvd, because this is 2003, and watches it a “dozen times,” because it’s so fabulous. This guy. Zero is like a wish you made with a magic genie for your boyfriend to be more romantic, except you made the mistake of wording your request just a little bit wrong and you get… this. No thanks.

On the 14^th Meri heads up to Utah to pick up her daughter from college because she had decided a couple weeks beforehand that she wanted to come home for the summer after all. The Zero spends a few sentences trying to play it off that it’s so great that Meri and her daughter are close, but he’s really irritated that this interloper is coming between them, “And that's why at the end of April and the beginning of May I was struggling with the affair so much.” He thinks with Mariah in the house they won’t be able to sneak around like they had been; Meri, of course, has to pick up the pieces whenever the Zero isn’t feeling like king of the castle and she assures him that everything will be fine.

Zero’s still moping though; “I did the worst thing by starting to shut down on her.” Oh your daughter is home for the summer? See you next year. Really Meri, another sign this is not the dude for you, or anyone. Zero says he wanted to step back so that Mariah could settle in and readjust to living at home again, “I know college changes you each year and this time she was bringing back a dog to live with them.” A dog? Hard core. You always hope, when you send your kid out into the world, that they’re going to do right and then they come home, mixed up in this kind of crazy shit. 

 There goes the neighborhood

Out of respect for the dog’s privacy, Zero will only say that it is named for a television character; that it is not house broken. Meri is tasked with caring for the thing, like every parent whose child has brought home a dog ever, and spends a lot of time in her backyard with him. Whenever Meri is outside she would take the opportunity to call the Zero; usually one or more of the children would be in the yard while she did so. The Zero launches into a passage, that’s probably only included to needle Kody, about how Meri asks *cough* Robyn’s *cough* youngest child if he wants to talk to Batman and puts him on the phone with the Zero. Zero remarks how cute and funny the kid is, but really the subtext of all this reads, Hey Kody, I talked to your son- I was that up in your wife and your family. It’s really just creepy.

Meri starts to get a little sentimental about the children; she says she didn’t view any of them as step-children and that she considered them all her own children, even if she had been feeling a little disconnected from the younger ones. Ever since the family moved into four separate McMansions, it had become harder to feel connected to all of them. She asks Zero, since he’s a friendless orphan, if it would be possible to spend the holidays with her family when they begin their life together. He tells her that she may but that, again, he won’t be participating in anything that involves them. This is sociopath for, sure go see your family, but I'm going to make it so uncomfortable for you by bitching and moaning that I'm unhappy, like I've done every paragraph in this chapter, that you stop going altogether and your isolation is complete.

Of the wives, she states that *cough* Janelle and Christine *cough* probably won’t miss her at all, even though they’ve all been together for 20 years. I guess approaching each new wife like the consummate mean girl, didn't really endear Meri to either of them very much. She says she’ll miss *cough* Robyn *cough* the most because they’ve managed to forge a real friendship; that she’s been the only one to check up consistently on Meri while she’s been with the Zero, while she's clearly been hiding something. Everyone seems to know that something is up with Meri, but Kody just thinks that she’s depressed.

Around the middle of May some of Meri’s heath issues come to a head; since February she’d been struggling with some stomach issues and had barely been able to eat. Her doctors had been stumped for awhile; Meri had been really fearful that it might be something serious like cancer. Thankfully, it turns out to be a strain of Helicobacter Pylori, common bacteria found in 50% of the human population that takes up residence in the digestive system; usually it causes no symptoms but for some unlucky individuals it starts attacking the stomach lining. Meri receives treatment and she’s back to normal.

 Ooh, stomach bacteria...

On the 20^th, Meri calls the Zero in tears and tells him that he’s just had an upsetting time at the weekly group therapy appointment with her spousal partners. Kody had been explaining their therapist that he felt ganged up and attacked by his wives; that everyone was always complaining about him and he was tired of it. Prime occupational hazard of polygamy my friend. While Kody is speaking Meri is on her phone playing a game of 2048 because it’s her “coping mechanism” or because she’s completely checked out of the family, pick your poison. Kody notices and is like do you see this shit, and starts telling the therapist that Meri is always on her phone and she’s even showing up late to filming now.

Meri feels singled out, or senses that an inevitable conversation about why she’s always on her phone might follow, choose your own adventure, and she writhes in her seat as she tells him that he’s hurting her feelings. He says that he doesn’t want to listen to her anymore and she bolts from the therapy session. A short time later she calls back, requests to be put on speakerphone, gives excuses for her erratic behavior, and tells them, “She said she didn't want to be attacked in the place where they are supposed to be safe.” Zero’s sort of stunned all this went down and, “I called right back and offered to go kick his ass.” Aha, so he can type ass after all. Selective modesty. Zero is pretty pleased though, when he stops to reflect on the issue, “Again this just proved to me that she was honest about the marriage really being over between them.” 

Chapter 4 Zero- visual approximation

He engages in some more Kody bashing and claims that Kody thinks everything is Meri’s problem and that Meri is punishing him by withholding sex. Zero says that Meri doesn’t want to have sex with him because she’s treated so badly and because he doesn’t take care of her or some junk. Plus, “she had found out with me that there's more to it than just the physical act because I say I love you to her during.” Never one to miss an opportunity to stroke his own ego, Zero states, “when the woman you love is saying how good you are and how sweet and loving you make the intimacy that's a great sign that she's very satisfied and happy.” Please, please, stop trying to make me picture your sex.

Zero ends the chapter, and May, with a perfect example of why this book could have really used a damn editor. He tells Meri that he really wishes he could send her some flowers for their “4 month anniversary.” When she tells him that he may, he sends some out a few days early, on May 30^th. Well here’s the thing- their 4 month anniversary would be in July not June; when he includes a screenshot of Meri thanking him for the flowers in May, she tags another “twitter friend” of the pair that’s never been mentioned in the book before and asks if she got hers too. “I love this fun Twitter friendship,” she raves. He includes another screenshot, immediately after the first, from July 2^nd where Meri wishes Zero, and the same random we’ve never been introduced to, a happy four month friendship anniversary. So… apparently this whole relationship has just been some twitter friendship ménage à trios? I’m really confused.

The flowers Zero sends Meri are red Carnations. Really, Carnations. I’m not a materialistic person, but if I was dating a multimillionaire, I think I’d have a modest expectation that I'd be getting a small taste of the good life. Maybe it makes me shallow, but I think I’d be a little disappointed if the flowers weren’t delivered by a trained, skydiving monkey. Carnations. The most expensive flower, available for commercial purpose, on the planet, is the Juliet Rose. It’s often called the “£3 million rose” because that’s how much it cost its breeder to cultivate it after 15 long years. I would imagine that the cultivator would take lesser flowers, like the Carnation, shred them and use the pieces to fertilize the soil of the Juliet Rose. The Carnation, in other words, is what other, more impressive, flowers, eat. All I’m saying.

Zero congratulates himself for making it through May, “Looking back now I can't believe how we did it. I guess when you love someone enough, you find a way. Is it almost June? Wow. Things really shake up in June. I can't wait to tell you all about it.”  

We did it folks, see you next time in June.

-Kate